If you are seeking answers to “why?”, please read my personal story.
Hello,
I can’t guarantee that my post will help you but it might be worth the long read.
I copied my reply to another poster today, but my post deserves its own post. Thank you for reading, if you have a few minutes.
I can relate to your story well. I hear you. I see you! My post is long, but I have much information that may help you and others, possibly. I deserved answers for two decades; I found them in a book that I mentioned far below. I hope you will read to the end. Again, sorry it’s so long.
My son is 38; I know where he lives as he has his own home and a great career that he has worked hard for. (I was an elementary teacher and “learning” was my gift to my kids). It wouldn’t be right to invade his personal space, but I have sent birthday cards, gift cards inside holiday cards. Not one reply. He was alienated from me at age 11. His target parent did everything in his power to destroy me and our relationship. Everything!
I feel the same heartbreak as you. I am stuck in prolonged grief and loss. The loss of parenthood, being blamed and erased for what the real abuser did to him and his younger sister, slowly from his early childhood days. I wasn’t aware because I would not hate my ex more than I loved my children.
You are correct. People do not understand. People watch you and I grieve the loss of a living child but they aren’t curious or supportive to us in any way. To them, their easy answer is to blame us. It’s the death of a thousand paper-cuts, each damn day. The alienated parent is innocent! My situation is different to the norm.
My ex created an enormous daily amount of conflict in my own home, post divorce. He undermined absolutely everything I did by as a protective parent. Cub scouts, mental health services, seeing his emotional hurt in his very being.
I love my son and saw the major depression he was experiencing. His teachers reported this to me but I saw it too. I took him for in-patient help, suggested m his grade school counselor, but the father demanded he be released the next day. My son was craving his father’s attention and love, which is why he caused so much rule breaking and disrespect to me and his sister in my home. I had no trade books or resources to help me name this phenomenon in the 2000’s. None had been written yet. I could not help him as he desired to live with his father. I broke from the high conflict, and told him he could go. I couldn’t bear how large this had become!!! Father sent him to live with grandparents two hours north of me. My son felt betrayed. I felt betrayed.
Now both of my adult children have erased me from their lives. I highly encourage anyone interested in COERCIVE CONTROL, look up Dr. EMMA KATZ, on Substack. She is the world-renowned researcher who has scientific research about Coercive Control, Post Separation Abuse, and the Mother-Child Relationship. Her recently published book is sold on Amazon.
The pain and longing never goes away. But surrendering and pursuing radical acceptance is my way to survive and move on with my life.
Wishing you comfort in your journey,
AZ Desertgirl 🌵🌵