Am I the ahole for taking my son away from my mother so I can put him in a sport class?
Hello Reddit,
I need some advice, time to rant because I really don't know if I'm in the wrong or just overreacting.
I (36F) have a 4 year old son with my husband (33M).
We live in a tiny country so all grandparents live around 50min to an hour away.
For the record my mother a sweet woman, a good mother, an adoring grandmother and will go trough fire for her family.
HOWEVER she has no boundaries, doesn't take a no and is a looooooot to handle.
The type I had to go to therapy for because it's to much but you can't complain because it's out of love not hate.
For context I have ADD, she has OCD (and undiagnosed ADHD in my opinion).
I like organized chaos and personal space. She likes things her way, clean, and no space.
Example of her behavior.
After a 12 hour nighttime drive to a summer house we decided to go to the swimming pool to cool off before unpacking. We come back all our bags are unpacked, in the closet. I get mad and tell her this wasn't ok. There were of course some spicy items in the bags which i got comments about.
The next morning she corners my husband at breakfast about my issues with yeast infections and how to prevent them after spicy time because she found my gyno cream and assumed I had one.
It's just in my standard go bag. My husband spat his coffee out over breakfast.
After some years in therapy and confronting her, this type of behavior became slightly less.
Though she still cleans my house if she's inside and I dare to leave her along for a split second to get something, even though it's not dirty but just not her standard.. then i got pregnant.
After giving birth, maternity leave and going back to work the baby spend Thursday evening till Friday or Saturday at 1 of the 2 grandma's that had time. (grandma 3 doesn't have time) Yes my son has 3 sets of grandparents. It was getting to much and by the end we were glad school started so we could be with him more ourselves. My husbands mother made no issues saying 'its your kid, he's welcome of course' and mine going. "I'll die and have no meaning in life if i don't see him every 2 weeks" her literal words.
Que in 2 years of school and me trying to get her to take him 1 time a month at most and losing. I had months where between the grandparents i didn't see my own child in the weekend.
It gets on my nerve. The other grandparents are a bit peeved about her hogging him every 2 weeks and not seeing him as much.
I tried multiple times to get her to see him every 2 months as does the other grandmothers but no she started crying, calling me mean and telling her that it's her only reason for living.
Mind you as the only grandparent already in her retirement she also gets him if he is sick and i have to work or during school vacations because we had to work. (not anymore we both lost our job but we are working on getting new jobs.
Add to that...
They have a second residence in another country (12 hours away) where they go to in the summer. IF you wonder but hey that's a long time noooooo. She will demand that she sees him when she leaves and when she returns even if they leave impromptu or not. Oh and she'll drive back or take the train to see her grandchildren or demand they stay with her alone over there. Basically demand we change our schedule to adapt to hers. I tried the 'It's not my problem you leave for a month' speal and got 'You are mean waaahwaaahwaaah' (I had to explain the concept of gaslighting to the woman).
If you think she needs a hobby.. She does; she plays an instrument, is in a harmony, reads to kids in French at school, cleans the streets and goes to a 65+ bike club. She is one of those can't sit still for 5 second people. She's 68.
Here is the issue.
I want to see my goddamn child on the weekend, and I want to be able to schedule more playdates with other children. I have friends with kids his age but due to only being available every 2 weeks i don't have many options to choose from. And that's not counting seeing the family of my husband or any other family obligations.
But most of all.
He's going to a Saturday sports event starting next september. Last time i suggested he would get a hobby she told me '4 is to young and I won't see him then. Don't take him away from me.'
So Am I the Ahole for putting him in a Saturday sports class on purpose to have an excuse to not have him go there all the time?
PS. My son loves her of course and I would make sure she still sees him of course just not as much.
If you wonder 'is it really that bad?' she scared a cleaning lady away because she kept cleaning behind her as she was there in MY house while babysitting! And she freaked out and cried on the phone when I dared to cancel one of his stay overs because my husband's mother had a surprise birthday party.