Confusion, hate, anger?
Yesterday I received my SAR (Subject Access Request) from Sheffield City Council relating to my childhood care files. I’m 37 years old and what I’ve discovered in the last 24 hours has completely turned my world upside down.
I discovered that when I was 8 years old, three days before my birthday, my mum tried to drown me whilst bathing me by holding my head under water. She then left the house distressed and walked the streets all night leaving me with my sister. The next morning she phoned social services herself saying she was scared she would harm me.
What’s hit me hardest is that this was all documented. She told them she was scared she’d harm me, it’s written in black and white, and yet they returned me to her care anyway. Multiple times.
I’ve had several care placements between the ages of 6 and 8. One of them, at 12 Morland Drive Children’s Unit in Sheffield, I have absolutely zero memory of despite being old enough to form memories of this place, just like I have no memory of her trying to drown me and from my understanding that’s my brain and nervous system suppressing memories that could cause me harm now in later life. So why do I have no memories from morland drive? What happened there that’s caused these memories to be suppressed to the point even visiting the building brings nothing back. I remember other placements clearly. That blank terrifies me and I’m still working through the files looking for answers.
I’m now connecting dots I never could before - behavioural problems throughout my childhood, police involvement, doors that closed because of my past, a complicated relationship with my mum who passed away last year, that I have no feeling towards
I always thought I was the problem. These files are showing me I was a child who was let down by everyone who should have protected me.
Has anyone else been through something similar? How did you process it? Did you pursue legal action against the local authority? And has anyone else discovered memory blanks around specific periods that the files have helped explain?
I have an amazing partner and family and I’m okay, just trying to make sense of it all.