u/Aphiograph

I don't know if I'm doing this right but to be honest, I'm young, and this is my first serious relationship. I love this girl so much amd we're coming up on a big milestone for our relationship soon. But sometimes I don't feel like her partner, I feel like her caregiver. She has scoliosis, and although there are things that might be able to help her a huge amount, they just aren't in the cards right now, so shes only getting worse. On top of her scoliosis she has POTS and shes being tested for narcolepsy and ehlers Danlos syndrome. I'm so glad that I'm with her and I love the moments that we spend together, but sometimes I miss how our relationship would be without all of this, even though it never existed, and its so frustrating to not be able to do a single thing for her. Sometimes it feels like my whole life has been reduced down to "wake up, get ready, take care of my girlfriend, go to bed" and I've never once blamed her for it but I can't help but dread it sometimes. I really can't stress enough how much I love this girl but I feel like all of this is sucking the life out of me, and she's so kind I wouldn't dare tell her all of this because she would probably feel so horrible she would leave me for my sake. I just feel like a shell of who I used to be, like a worker bee. The times when she isn't hurting have been the single best days of my life and I really do want to spend the rest of my life with this girl. But I don't know how much longer this will be healthy for me, I don't know if its ever been healthy for me. I care for her every second of every day but honestly sometimes it feels like she cares less than I do. I know what its like to have a chronic illness, I have one of my own (although much less severe, still debilitating sometimes) and I know how upsetting it is to not be able to do the things that other people are able to do, but she just wont stop pushing herself way past her limits. Shes not supposed to drink caffiene, she's supposed to avoid the heat, when shes in the heat shes supposed to wear shorts and a light top, so what does she do? She drinks an entire monster energy drink and then goes outside in a thick pair of baggy black jeans, why would you do that? Its just so frustrating, and then when she inevitably has a flare it all falls on me to take care of her, even when I can barely sit up myself I have to get up and fetch her a glass of water and massage her for hours straight and then comfort her, I know it might be selfish but when do I get taken care of? But when I bring this up to her, no matter how gently, she just shuts down and then apologizes for hours and then sulks for a couple days, and sure she fixes her behavior but I just want to be able to voice my opinion without feeling like i'm bullying my own girlfriend. I love her so so so so much but it feels like my entire life is secondary to hers and that I only exist for her. She makes me so happy but this feeling has just been trickling down on me and I felt so selfish for feeling this way but I just cant hold it in anymore. I barely even enjoy the time I spend with her anymore because all I see when I look at her is the next chore or massage or errand to run for her, and I hate that so much because I want to look at her and only see the girl that I love because thats who she used to be to me.