u/Appaiscool

TW: SA

Dear - -,

I’m rather depressed. To be honest, for the duration of this depressive episode, all I could really think about was that I wanted to talk to you. I mean, you were always such a help to me. And I am not betting my chances on another therapist because; I am not ready to spill all my trauma (yes, I finally accept that it is trauma) to a new person. And I am not willing to go back to - - - - -, because that was the room where I had to have that last call with you (with her in the room!) and where we said bye forever (not suicidally), because that was it. It honestly felt like the opposite of closure.

I obviously still want you to be my therapist again, but I understand that may (is) not be possible. I’ve actually dabbled with that art-type therapy where I rip out a page and draw what I’m feeling because I think I can recognize that art does not wholly belong to my sister (oh yeah, she is a sister now…). After I finish those drawings, which always inevitably say, “fuck, I need therapy again,” I crumple them up, shove them in my drawer, and then cry. And it’s not even like I can have you be my therapist if I traveled to the Fran (that’s where you are, right?), because my mom would never let me, given how many times she has been there with my sister. That place carries a lot of bad memories, I guess. I don’t really care. But that place is not for me, yeah? Because that’s where the kids go who are really struggling.

I understand why you left, to have your son, and I hope you are doing okay. I really thought you would be coming back, though. I really, really did. And what is worse, I think, is the fact that you did technically come back, just not to me. And yeah, apparently because it was unethical? Because you did not think you could provide me adequate therapy with how your schedule was not definite? Is that just an excuse? I don’t think so, because you too were crying on that Zoom call. But I hope you do know now that that is the opposite of the truth. Even if your schedule was a little wonky, wouldn’t it have been better to just be virtual—not necessarily every week—rather than no therapy? I’m a mess.

I have also thought about how having you leave earlier, after only two years of working together, saved me from the future when I would inevitably have to say bye. But fuck that, honestly, because I was so vulnerable after Nina died (not to mention my uncle). It was the worst time to have to endure yet another loss. I am actually surprised I am still here, in a way. I’m not sure. If it makes you happy, I have two pretty solid friends now. I don’t know.

Maybe you thought I was fine with - - - - - because I was nice to her and trying to work with her. But I hope that you know, after that weird Zoom call where I was bawling my eyes out and refusing to look at the screen because I did not want you to have to see me cry, I went to only two more sessions with her. I realized that there were really two reasons I was willing to work with he when you were gone:

a) I wanted you to be proud of me.

b) It was all with the prospect of you coming back. It was supposed to be temporary.

I remember when those car lights flashed in the window of your office, and I dissociated right in front of you. You did not make me feel bad about it. And in fact, every following session, the blind was closed. Thanks for that. I never really got to say thanks for that.

I found MM’s, the one who SA'd me if you remember, Instagram account yesterday, by the way. He is into college before I am, recruited, and I don’t know how to feel about that. Especially because I cried just the other day about how I won’t get into a handful of colleges because of that one motherfucking SAT score. I know you were still on leave and my mom sort of told you what led to that score, but, to put it into my own words, that was when I officially realized I was never going to get to see you (or Suzie) again, and I could not focus on the math section. So yeah, rather than getting my 1500+ practice scores, I ended up with below a fucking 1300. And I also was not in my right mind to cancel the score. So now I will never be able to apply to a handful of schools. I don’t resent you for that, by the way. It just does make me sad to think about. And maybe it could help you fathom how much of a loss it was for me.

I hope you are doing okay, better than me at least—which is not a very high bar.

Oh, and happy (first) Mother’s Day? I hope that’s not weird to say.

Eye	SPH	CYL	AXIS
OD (Right Eye)	+0.25	-0.75	090
OS (Left Eye)	Plano	-0.75	080

Off-leash place to bring a dog where there will be other dogs?

A Letter that I can never send---to my therapist that had to leave unexpected