Since I can remember I’ve always hated myself and I hated the fact that I couldn’t choose who I wanted to be, and I think at some point I started making up like stories and pretending I’m a different person with a different life. It started when I was 14 online I had a meme account and when I would talk to people I would pretend to be someone else who had a completely different life and it kind of became an obsession, I also preferred to talk to people on there than in real life because people at my school were so mean and judgemental.
Now 5 years later I still go back to being this other person in my head especially when I’m stressed, I think it’s some sort of coping mechanism. I think it’s also because I’ve never been able to talk about how I really feel as I’m ashamed, but as this other person I can and I’m not ashamed. Being vulnerable with my family or friends genuinely disgusts me.
When I pretend to be this person for a while it kind of fucks with my memory a bit, and I tend to dissociate more and not really interact with the world around me. Recently it’s gotten worse because I’ve been stressed about a toxic friendship and I have so many exams coming up.
I just want to know if anyone else has experienced something like this? I’ve never told anyone about it because I’m so ashamed, but it also feels like an addiction.