My loved one has a degenerative disease on top of many health issues. Their general health deteriorated significantly in the last year, and now they have to go through a lot of high-risk surgeries. It's always unexpected and sometimes it happens several times with just weeks apart. For reasons I won't get into, I can't visit. I'm terrified every time, but I can't do anything other than waiting for a message.
I'm learning to cope, I guess. I have this thing of counting days when they're at the hospital. Sometimes, I wake up and decide that I shouldn't expect any news on that day, so I force myself to find a distraction. But when they do wake up/message/get better, I'm breaking down and crying with relief. And then my brain goes "this will keep happening". When they undergo these surgeries, I don't panic as much anymore. The fear seats deeper. It's dull but overpowering and paralysing.
This person means so much to me, they're the best human being I've ever met. With my biological family, things are... let's say, very complicated, so chosen family is everything to me. I never had a connection like this with anyone, they saved my life in many ways. We're young. It's unfair.
There's no exact prognosis, but every time they go to the ER, I know the risks. It's becoming more frequent. I'm the only one of a few people who know exactly what's happening and I can't share the details with anyone around me because they don't want them to know. I fake a smile, reply "I don't know, they've been busy lately" and just hold my tears.
We plan a lot of things we'll do together, but "the thought" always creeps in. They live with a lot of chronic pain, it will get worse. And this is genetic as well, they have seen their mother go through this and know exactly what's ahead.
This is so insanely painful. Sometimes, during their hospital stays or recovery in intensive care, I feel like waves of fear and pain fall onto me out of nowhere right when I think I'm managing to get on with my day. Every time there's a medical success, the relief is followed by anxiety because deep down I know it's temporary. I feel guilty for breaking down like that when I'm not the one suffering the most, even if I know it's stupid. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this and sometimes I just don't have energy for anything or anyone. When I do laugh or enjoy something, coming back to my default state is brutal. Is getting used to this even possible?