Is this depression ?
I RESIGN
I resign, one day I decide to stop trying, to stop believing. I lie to everyone, I pretend to care, I pretend to look for a solution, pretend to look for help. Pretend wanting to put my life back on track. With finding a job, making friends, going out, and enjoying life.
It was just a hug con, a facade.
My real goal was only to keep them out of my business, because I give up on life, on trying to become someone.
My only plan is to enjoy myself until I can't. Enjoying myself means for me : staying at home, watching TV shows…
I was never serious about getting a job, the job that I had made me miserable, it was so hard to take. And maybe if I wanted to do something with my life I would bear with it but I resigned and I don't want anything in life, i don’t have a plan, want , need, career, or expectation. I give up all of that, even relationships. Now I'm just waiting for the end.
I don't want my life, I'm just waiting for it to stop, and while I'm waiting, why will I do anything that makes me uncomfortable?
So while I'm waiting for my life to stop, I'll just do the calm, peaceful, and enjoyable things. Which for me is watching TV-show, eating, sleeping, social media, listening to music…
It is like someone with a deadline disease, they know they are going to die and there is no point in trying, so they just do the most with what they have. They just enjoy. Well yes my version of enjoying it is very muted, but this is my peace.
And i don’t know how much time i actually have i was thinking until i don’t have any money. to be fair i was thinking that when i go down to 2000€ I will go on a trip to Japan, maybe Yokohama, stay a week there and then end it.
I am not sad about it, this is what it is, I accept it, and i don’t suffer in my day to day life. It is true that i cry a lot, but tv show make me forget my pain
I don't have the will to have a real life, to fight every day.
I don’t feel bad about it, it is not a sad thing, some people can hack it, some can’t. And well i definitely can’t hack it, and don’t want to and it is OK.
I guess time wise I was thinking 2 more full years, I'm ok with 26. But I didn’t really think it through, because most days I just live in the moment, I don't think about the future, my real future. Because i day dream a lot about the perfect job, perfect relationship, perfect place. But deep down I know none of that is happening to me. I know I will never be with anyone. Anyway, I don't think about the future because I don't really have one and because it is not really enjoyable to do. I’m a pure hedonist I guess. But the goal is not to sustain that lifestyle, it is supposed to come to an end. I don’t want to live like this until my 40. No, I think my 30th birthday. But i won't last this long, i dont really have a lot of money and my plan is again not to maintain this life.
So let’s go back to the lie. I had to lie to everyone so they could leave me in peace. I don’t want them in my business. They won't understand, they will want to “save” me. They will not understand that this is fine, this is ok.