My resentment toward JNMIL is affecting my marriage and I don’t know how to let it go
I’m struggling with a lot of resentment toward DH’s family and I feel like it’s starting to damage my marriage.
Over the years there have been many issues with JNMIL and FIL involving boundaries, guilt-tripping, lack of support, and making everything about their feelings.
One major issue was when DH took out a loan in his own name to help JNMIL financially. She still makes the monthly payments, but there were times she could have paid it off completely and instead bought a house and a camper van. I know technically she’s paying, but it still hurts seeing her prioritize those things while her son has a wife and kids and is carrying financial responsibility for her.
Right now neither DH nor I are speaking to JNMIL. She recently contacted me to “apologize,” despite DH asking her not to. I explained calmly why I was hurt: ignored boundaries, lack of support during important moments, and constant emotional guilt. But the conversation immediately became about her suffering and her feelings instead of accountability.
FIL smokes heavily. A few days ago he met our 7-day-old newborn and tried to hold her immediately after smoking. I said no because I don’t want my newborn exposed to third-hand smoke. This isn’t a rule only for him — we apply the same hygiene rules to everyone.
Afterward FIL messaged DH saying I have “weird attitudes,” that we should be “more flexible,” and that JNMIL is suffering because of the conflict. It felt like classic Flying Monkey behavior trying to guilt DH into fixing things.
For the first time, DH defended me and said: “My family, my rules.” Honestly, hearing him prioritize me and our kids instead of keeping his mother happy made me emotional because during my first postpartum experience I felt very abandoned by him emotionally when it came to his family.
This time he’s doing much better, but I still carry a lot of anger and resentment from previous years, both toward his family and partially toward him.
How do you cope with in-laws you genuinely cannot stand without letting the resentment poison your marriage?