How to handle not wanting partner to speak about you with other partners? Villainizing you when they talk about you.
So recently my partner and I have been butting heads, I'm apparently being controlling by requesting that they refrain from discussing things involving me with their other partner. I didn't say friends, I didn't say loved ones, I said other partner.
Why? Because We got into an argument which led to them asking me if I wanted to go through their phone, I'm not the phone searching type, but I was curious so I said yes, and they let me.
I typed my name in and a bunch of messages of them telling their partner things like I'm jealous , and how I want them all to myself. How I said things like "I don't want them to tell their partner anything about me because it makes me look bad."
Things I never said. Nor acted on.
"Their anxiety is controlling them right now it's just Valentine's day".
I had to hassle them to ask their other partner if they wanted to spend the day before or the actual day of Valentine's day together.
I wanted to avoid any issues, especially when communication and over sharing was something they were setting boundaries with, Due to them over sharing our sex life with their partner, their partner did not enjoy hearing about it and got upset.
I also felt uncomfortable myself and that's when I started requesting that they refrain from talking about me.
There were messages of them villainizing me to their other partner because we got snowed in together and I was happy that it meant they could stay longer.
Not because I wanted to keep them from their other partner.
I've pushed and encouraged them to go home more to spend more time with their partner and communicate more thoroughly. I encouraged them to call their partner even when we were together.
They confessed to me that they were projecting at the time and scared because that's how they feel about me.
They've been together for nearly a decade, and they're new to the poly dynamic. So I do feel like of course there are certain things they are very comfortable with and other things they're learning to set boundaries with along the way.
It just doesn't feel good of course seeing stuff like that be placed on my name. It did make my trust waiver. So yes I did make a boundary where I do not want them discussing me with their long term partner.
Am I being controlling? Is this normal or something? I'll assume it's not.