37yo Woman looking for advice
I recently started exploring partner sex again after a 2 year period of celibacy after a bad breakup. I'm not looking for a relationship or a friendship, I'm just looking for casual sex so I met someone on a kink website (he's 46) and we've hooked up 3 times now. The two most recent times he's had erectile dysfunction. The first time it happened he disclosed to me that he's on a medication which causes ED.
Prior to us beginning the sexual relationship, he asked me if I had any health conditions which could impact our sexual experience. I said no, but he did not disclose his ED at this time so this isn't something that I knew about prior to starting the sexual relationship. On the receiving end, I get pleasure from other things that aren't PIV and during our hookups, when he's performing sex acts on me (oral, bondage/impact play, fingers) I have no complaints and can have multiple orgasms. But when it's time for me to pleasure him and he's not erect, I feel a lot of pressure and I honestly feel uncomfortable and bad about myself even though I know it's not because of anything I'm doing.
He says he wants me to do things to him like orgasm control/denial but that's really hard to do when he's not hard so I'm automatically not delivering on his requests. And if I'm being perfectly honest, I do not enjoy performing oral sex on a flaccid penis. It makes me feel self-conscious, and I simply don't know how to do it. I have lots of experience going down on erect penises, but not that much experience giving oral on flaccid penises and it makes me feel really bad when I'm down there for 20-30 minutes, my neck hurts, and everything is still soft. He tells me that things still feel good, but it still feels weird for me and I don't know if it's something I can shake.
Yes, I am having orgasms and being pleasured in that way during our sessions, but I also experience pleasure from feeling like I'm pleasuring my partner and when he's unable to get hard it makes it a less enjoyable experience for me unfortunately.
The most recent time we hooked up he pulled out a penis pump and a cock ring and that still only partially worked. I've never had someone use a penis pump during a sex session before, but I just rolled with it because I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. I'm unsure how to talk about this with him without making him feel bad. He's a great guy and if I was looking for something long-term or a romantic relationship, I think it would be something I could work through if he checked all my other boxes because in the grand scheme of an entire long-term love-relationship ED isn't a big deal in my opinion. But the thing is that isn't what I'm looking for, I'm just looking for casual, fun, a-couple-times-a-month sex. And my unfortunate, selfish reality is that my enjoyment of the experience is lessened because of his ED and I would certainly be able to find someone else who doesn't struggle with this issue. I know that no one owes me information about their health, but is this something you think he should have told me before we initiated a sexual relationship? Am I being rude or selfish for potentially wanting to find a different FWB because of this? If I decide to end the sexual relationship, how should I approach it? We'd likely still be seeing each other at events because we're both exploring the kink community so I would want to be as gentle and compassionate as possible.