u/Apprehensive_Can6839

hi! its me. im back. i just had a doctor appointment today, but before i want to tell u a lil bit of context:

(TW for comments abt weight gain and just in case)

if u have been seing my posts since some time u might know i was going through EH and dealing with a lot of comments of my mom, etc. i had just started honouring it 6 months ago from the 11 months i had been in recovery. and for some time i was still a lil bit restrictive. so i had gained a "lot" of weight but i was still ravenously hungry and thinking abt food all the time cause i kept restricting for long, even in recovery.

today, i got weighed at my doctor appointment, and the FIRST thing she said was: "woah u gained a lot of weight since the last time we saw u" (1 month and 10 days ago), and they were GENUINELY worried abt that. u best believe i got triggered to infinity and started crying the second i got out of the room.

like, im not blind, i already knew i had gained a "lot" in the past month cause i had been eating thousands of calories (not going to say specific numbers cus i dont want to be triggering), but being told i did with such worry was honestly heartbreaking to me. i spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that gaining weight was not bad and trying to honour my hunger cause i was so tired of being hungry and thinking abt food all the time, and i had commited to recovering even if my weight stabilized at a "overweight" bmi (bmi is bullshit, i know, i just used it as a reference!! pls dont value ur worth according to it), but now i feel so ashamed and disappointed abt myself. almost as if i did something wrong.

i thought i was doing everything right, the past month is the time i had gained the most weight but also when i found the most freedom in food. did i really do something wrong? i feel so lost in my proccess. i really wanted to get to 1 year in recovery but its getting hard.

for the first time in my almost full year recovering, i built the courage to go for seconds when i wanted it!! my dad made a super delicious ham & cheese tart and i fucking loved it so u best believe only one portion was not enough to satisfy me. one of the reasons i started recovering was because i wanted to have the food freedom to get seconds of a meal i liked, and im slowly aproaching there :)

just got back from a session with my psychologist and oh. my. god. this went terribly bad.

i told her abt smth that happened with my mom (yk, the usual, her commenting on my food but wtv), and she said (and i quote); "if u ever feel like u exceeded (as in weight terms), u can go to a nutritionist just so she gives u a meal plan and u can lose a lil bit but not put ur life in risk"??!!?!?!?!? ARE WE FUCKING KIDDING? is this not horrible advice to tell to ur CLEARLY disordered patient who is recovering? i do NOT believe in the possibility of "healthy" weight loss coming from a disordered past so this triggered me sm, but much more than that im so pissed off.

i know i have been posting a lot recently but i just wanted to vent xd

i have already told her that things like this make me feel bad aand she should stop, and she did for some time but now she has started to say shit again.

for context, i am going through extreme hunger right now, and yes, im eating a lot of cookies, spreads, really anything with sugar!! and im not mad about that, i understand why my body wants it. but, she keeps saying that im eating "too much sugar", "im making us run out of food", etc etc. and i dont know how to cope anymore. i have tried to convince myself that i know my journey and i know what i need to do to get better and she doesnt (even tho she is supportive most of the time), and trying my best to not relapse. but i just want to know what can i do to stop caring about comments like these, or how can i make my mom stop