WIBTAH if I told my grandma to stop complaining about my mother?
TLDR: My grandma hates my mom, and complains way too much to me about it. I want to tell her to stop, but I don’t want my grandma to get upset with me because I am relying on her for help.
This is a complicated one. Sorry in advance if it’s a long read.
I(31f) come from a very wealthy family. My mother never really worked any job long term and has always been primarily supported by my grandparents and whichever spouse she had at the time (she’s been married 5 times)
My mother also was extremely physically and emotionally abusive and neglectful to me as a child, and despite us having money and assets- my mom was quite irresponsible with it. She would leave me alone at a very young age to care for my siblings for weeks to go on trips, travel to get plastic surgeries, and buy designer items while there was no food at home and utilities were frequently being turned off.
As soon as I was of legal age I moved out, and had three kids of my own. When they small I allowed my kids to have a relationship with my mother, despite her ongoing emotional abuse toward me as an adult. In the meantime my children’s father developed an addiction to heroin and became extremely abusive toward me as well, and leaving him left me completely broke and without any support system. Eventually my mother and I had a falling out, and I stopped letting her see my kids. Because this made her angry, she convinced my grandparents to hire an attorney for her, making false allegations that I was abusive and negligent toward my own children and she filed for full custody.
Because I was broke and could not afford an attorney to fight to maintain full custody, I entered into a consent agreement that left my mother and grandparents with full custody of my kids and me with only visitation on weekends. It has now been several years, my mother collects child support from my grandparents and my child’s father, in addition to government benefits that she only qualifies for because she is able to claim my children as dependents. My mother does not use this money to support my kids though, and I frequently have to pay for things for them for both my home and hers. I have had no relationship with my family during this time until recently, and have been financially struggling because I am supporting my three kids by myself and cannot claim them as dependents or receive child support.
Her and my grandmother have now had a falling out, and my grandmother has decided to get close to me again. Now that we have gotten close she frequently gives me money, and gifts, and takes me places with my kids which allows me to see them more often. The problem is that she rarely ever has any conversation with me that is unrelated to my mother. She calls me sometimes four or five times a day just to complain about my mom, and brings up things that I have long since moved on from. I don’t care to have a relationship with my mother, but I also don’t care to dwell on all of my mother’s negative traits or use my energy to gossip and speak ill of her. I have tried telling my grandmother that my mom is who she is, and is not going to change so there is not point is dwelling on it or allowing it to bother her so much. But she continues to complain endlessly about her anyway, and is somehow always surprised by my mother’s actions as if this is not how my mother has always been.
I don’t want to upset my grandmother, especially since she has been helping me and letting me see my kids more, but honestly I find it extremely draining to listen to her rants and negativity all the time. WIBTAH if I told her to stop and set a firm boundary? Is it even worth it, if it means risking her support and time with my kids?