Is this dissociation? Feeling "unreal" and "perception dying", don't know what it is / to do
I am a 32yo intersex trans female, 5' 10", 60kg and white (UK).
My medications: immediate release venlafaxine, vitamin D3, only estrogen patches (2 years (prev) 1.5mg, 1 year (now) 4.5mg).
I don't do drugs, smoke or drink alcohol. I am vegan (7 years, 21 years vegetarian) with only D3 noted as a deficiency, likely because I mostly stay indoors. Besides possible Long COVID I have no known infections (I am also not sexually active). I've had chronic visual snow and autism since a child, and a genetically inherited cataract in my left eye.
History of venlafaxine:
I was put on sertraline 1.25 years ago followed by venlafaxine 1 year ago (change due to sexual dysfunction side effect) and that was because I had a chronic feeling of not getting enough air even though my heart and lungs came back ok. I took it as 37.5mg in tablet form. I was not given this med for anxiety or depression, though I have always felt "unease" and tension in my body so my doctor thought it might be good to try, and I was desperate due to the air hunger sensation I have, unaware of the side effects of these medications.
Primary issue:
About 3 months ago I developed this unsettling feeling where I feel like my brain isn't fully conscious, like my brain is messed up and my consciousness isn't fully there. Things seem unreal, and moving from room to room and task to task I feel like I just "woke up" or "teleported" like there's a lag between realising I'm in a different room kind of. This doesn't impair my ability to do things somehow, except sometimes. In fact doing things can help distract me from panicking from the feeling but the feeling is constant. This is now chronic and I feel like my brain is dying and I can't escape. It's like every few seconds or microseconds my brain has gone blank (like a blink) and it makes me hyperfocus on where and how my consciousness exists, It's like the experience I have is fading out of existence, or the universe, or I am becoming a philosophical zombie. But note these aren't just thoughts, it's the feeling - it's hard to put it into words.
Around then I was only taking 1 tablet a day instead of both of them, as they weren't helping with the symptom I have, as per my GP's advisory. I tried coming off them by skipping the dose or only taking half every 1, 2 then 4 days and I developed brain zaps. Now I'm having half a tablet a day as per GP's suggestion, since I'm trying to come off but am unsure if that doesn't make it worse.
I feel like something is missing like a loss of weight on my head, which I wondered may be if that's my brain feeling an absence from me not having a brain zap so much now as the weight reminds me of the sensation of brain zaps and that in turn reminds me of the feel of sleepy hormones in my head I'm on half of it daily just before noon. I was taking the half at end of the day but kept waking up feeling extremely unreal to the point I had panic, tachycardia and high blood pressure (possibly from the panic).
I'm not sure if it's the venlafaxine withdrawal or the drug itself that's done this to me, or if it's an evolution of the sensation I had before (air hunger) that may be because my brain not getting enough oxygen (Spo2 levels were ok).
Honestly I don't even know if venlafaxine is the reason and even if it is I have no idea whether something like this can get worse, be permanent or lead to seizures and/or death like somehow my brain's neurons themselves aren't right. I did also wonder if my loss of sight in my left eye might play a role in pruning my brain function on one side, since I do feel like parts of my brain aren't awake and are waiting to "zap" awake.
Thanks