u/Appropriate_Duty7145

Well, tough question here. I’m not an expert in RT, obviously.

Lost my partner last week and now I’m grieving and at the same time feel guilty. He was sick, got diagnosed with cancer last september. We did love each other, but during our relationship he always has had serious health issues and was kind of a hypochondriac. The relationship was tough at times, and we’ve considered quitting several times.

During the last year, but also at some point during our relationship, I have to confess, I sometimes had thoughts along the lines of: hope it ends soon, it’ll be easier alone, stuff like that. Because the situation at that time was overwhelming, felt empty and emotional. As if I had to give and he could take…

Can you manifest someone dying?? I can’t shake the feeling that it’s my fault he’s gone so soon. Or that he got sick even…

I didn’t want to loose him, and certainly didn’t want him sick and dead. I did sometimes think we would be better of in a LAT- or separated relationship…

Feel like crap…

After 10months of fighting stage 4 lungcancer, today my husband of almost 10years has lost his fight.

It was intense, sad, unfair, heartbreaking and so tough to manage him, his needs, his care, our daughter (5yo), my full time job, our home construction work, my firefighting training and much much more… I’m tired, feeling guilty for living and enjoying life, feeling angry ‘cause our dreams shattered, feeling relieved, scared, alone…

I hated being a caregiver, I didn’t have enough patience with him and have often thought that he had to tough up. But during the last weeks he was different, more fragile and he obviously needed me. I could manage that, because he couldn’t. I hate being taken advantage off, he would sometimes imo. But by now he genuinely couldn’t. It was even sort of fulfilling…

Yesterday he was brought to sleep after months of failed chemo, elephant doses of morfine and esketamine, midazolam wouldn’t keep him calm, so the team decided, after an agonizing 24hrs, to give him propofol to sedate… It was a struggle, but you could see his body giving up… And now he has his peace hopefully… 💙