Im destroying myself
I’m 18, and I have been on and off with a 26-year-old guy since November, and he really had a very big impact on me. I have talked to a lot of guys since the age of 15, and not one of them got me attached, but everything with this guy felt different. It was very toxic between us, and I have never yearned for someone the way I did for him. When he’s mean, it’s very painful, but when he’s nice, it feels like heaven.
I gave him everything he wanted, and I wanted to be everything he wanted, but he sometimes didn’t appreciate it, and I still fought to stay with him even though he pushed me away at the smallest inconvenience. This is a little backstory about our not-so-healthy relationship.
Anyways, I often smoke weed at the end of the day, and I’m not addicted or anything, but I love having that me-time for myself and enjoying the high while I watch something and munch. Last week, I couldn’t smoke anything because I’m in my end-terms month, so I wanted my focus to be very good. But this Friday, I wanted to treat myself and smoke since it was the weekend the next day.
My relationship with this guy has been very good the last month, and I was genuinely stress-free and happy, and he supported me through all my exams. I really love him and physically and mentally need him. It’s not healthy, but I can’t control my emotions.
So last Friday, I smoked some in the evening, and mind you, my tolerance was pretty low since I hadn’t smoked in like a week, so I felt the trip very strongly, and it felt very good.
Until he texted me.
Out of nowhere, he wanted to end things because he doesn’t think it’s going to work out between us since we keep being on and off, and it was tiring him and making him lose feelings.
When I tell you my whole world crumbled before me when I read that text. And I was genuinely very high, and the good trip turned into my worst nightmare ever.
I was trying to communicate with him and convince him that it’s going to be alright, but I was too stoned to explain my feelings the right way. He didn’t want to talk about it anymore because I think he already emotionally checked out and said to just let it go because it doesn’t feel right between us anymore.
He completely shut me out.
And I was losing it. In that moment, I lost touch with reality, and my heart was beating so fast I couldn’t even feel it anymore. My breathing was very heavy, and it felt like I was suffocating. I wanted the high to stop because my heavy chest couldn’t handle it anymore. I thought my heart was going to explode and that I would die.
What made it even worse is that I couldn’t cry, sleep, or calm down. I was stuck for two hours in pure agony, begging God to remove the high because I felt like I was dying from the heartbreak. My body was trembling, my head was hurting, and the only thing I could focus on was him. It was always him. The whole time.
He made me lose myself, and he probably went to sleep as if it was a normal day. He was so unfair to me after everything we went through, after every kiss, every touch, every look of love. How could a person who loves you break you like that?
I think after two hours, I blacked out and fell asleep, and when I woke up the next day, I was numb. I know this is going to sound dramatic, but I was traumatised. When I woke up, I didn’t feel a thing anymore — no sadness, happiness, or anger, nothing. And the weirdest thing was that my memories of him were very fatigued. I couldn’t remember his face clearly anymore or our memories together, even though normally I would recognise him from a thousand men.
The thing is, I didn’t have time to think about the situation because I also had my driving exam that Saturday. I needed to pull myself together and pass my exam.
I didn’t pass the exam, and when I went home, I was still numb, and everything about him was fatigued, but I was sad about failing my driving exam and started crying.
I was crying for two minutes about my exam, and after that, I broke down on the floor and started crying and screaming. Not because of the exam, but because I suddenly felt everything again. I don’t know how or why, but everything suddenly came back, and I was dying, but this time sober.
I don’t know if it’s possible to die from heartbreak, but I can tell you I was very close. What that man made me feel, I will never forget.
I decided to take a shower so I could turn the water on and cry so no one at home could hear me. I used to self-harm when I was younger, but I stopped for five years. That Saturday, I did it again after five years. I left a very wide, big scar on my leg so I could numb the pain in my heart and focus only on the pain in my body.
After a while, I calmed down a bit and decided to get out of the shower, only to feel my hair and realise that my hair was falling out. I was running my fingers through my hair, and big chunks of it were coming out. I don’t know why my hair was shedding this much out of nowhere, but I concluded it was from the shock.
Until now, my hair is still shedding more, but not like Saturday.
I’m not healed from the situation at all, and I still have half of my school exams left to do, and failing is not an option. I have been studying very hard for the last five years for this moment, and I can’t fail now.
Please, someone help me. I’m begging someone to tell me how to numb everything and just focus on studying.