Family Responses
Hello everyone, I'm just looking for advice since I can't talk to many people in my own life right now. No pressure since I've got an appointment with my therapist in a couple of weeks. Just looking to articulate how I am feeling and receive any advice in the meantime.
Throwaway account.
Trigger warning - this topic is potentially triggering. I'm not including many details and will try to be neutral about it but did want to warn people.
I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse from an extended family member. It happened when I was quite young, and I didn't really understand it at the time. Just a lot of fear, anxiety, and later anger when I reached adolescence.
Began to remember/have an understanding of the disturbing memories as a young adult. Kept it quiet because I wasn't sure it really happened (kind of gaslit myself into thinking I imagined them due to anger towards this person) and I didn't want it to explode in the family, as my abuser was already dead. Sat on the knowledge for the last 10 years while I pursued therapy, psychiatric treatment, and medication independently for it.
A few years ago, I received information about my abusers past conviction related sexual abuse of a child prior to my birth. Seems much of the family didn't believe (despite a guilty plea). This confirmed for me that my memories were real.
Told a sibling about it when they asked directly after they learned about it. Recently, they accidently let it slip it to the rest of my immediate family.
My parents are shocked and feeling a lot of guilt and responsibility. They are crying a lot going through memories. Constantly apologizing for not realizing, and for trusting this individual (believing him when he told them that it was a wrongful conviction).
The thing is, I have been treating this for a decade. I'm in a much healthier spot about it. I've talked about it with professionals and trusted friends (main one out of the country atm). I've had a lot of support with it outside my family. This also makes them feel guilty that I never told them.
I've kept it quiet, even after it was confirmed for me in large part because I didn't want this exact thing to happen. It taints memories and perspectives.
They are devastated, but to be frank, I have neither the capacity or desire to match their emotional state. Telling them about it initially had an unpleasant impact on me for a few days. But I'm quickly recovering and trying not to let it take me to a dark place. But now, everyone is treating me like a wounded bird.
Things are good for me right now. They were not for a long time, but right now, I feel safe and happy. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to revisit it. I'm not sure I'll ever move on fully, but it's not normally something that impacts me day to day anymore.
They are wrecks, but I'm feeling the need (right or wrong) to distance myself from their emotion. I can be relatively calm about it, which makes me feel so strange. I'm not going to perform, and I'm not going to get emotional about it unless I feel the need to. Right now, I don't want to let those memories back in or have power over me.
I feel like I'm needing to comfort them, and even a little guilty that they found out. I know where thinking too much about this goes, and it's not something I want others to experience or experience again.
The memories aren't triggering me right now. It's everyone's reaction to it. Right now, though, I feel even more isolated. I don't want them to feel guilt when talking to me, I don't want them to think I'm broken or need to be handled with care. I just want it to be normal.
They need to go through the shock and grieving process, but I feel like in a much different place than them in it. There are lots of implications about their relationship with my abuser and how it changes their perspective of the extended family that they need to go through. I understand that. But this is frankly the last thing I wanted or needed.
With that in mind and with appropriate empathy, does anyone have advice on how I can tell them I just want it to be normal with us all? That I can't meet them where they are at with this, since I don't want to be dragged in again?
That I need them to stop calling multiple times a day to "check-in," and that right now, they are both actually in a worse state than I am?
They agreed to talk to a therapist about it. Hopefully, they can take something away, and we can discuss this in a better controlled setting, but right now, this is awful.