AITA for telling my best friend I can’t be her emergency contact anymore after she ignored me during my crisis?
Hi everyone, this is a throwaway because a few people in my life listen to the podcast and I don’t want this getting back to anyone before I figure out if I’m being unfair.
I (28F) have been best friends with “Maya” (29F) since college. We’ve always been the kind of friends who show up for each other, or at least I thought we were. For years I’ve been her main emergency person. When she had panic attacks after a breakup, I picked her up at 2am. When her car died, I left work early to get her. When she had a health scare last year, I was the one sitting in urgent care with her while her family was “too busy.”
I never kept score because I love her. But a few months ago, something happened in my life that really shook me. I don’t want to get too specific, but it involved my dad being taken to the hospital suddenly, and I was scared out of my mind. I called Maya twice and texted her saying I really needed someone. She didn’t answer.
The next day she replied with “sorry, yesterday was crazy” and then started telling me about a fight she had with a guy she was seeing. She never asked about my dad until I brought it up. Even then, it was one “omg that’s awful” and then back to her situation.
I tried to let it go, but honestly it changed how I saw our friendship.
Last week Maya asked if she could put me down as her emergency contact for a new job. Something in me just snapped a little. I told her I didn’t feel comfortable being listed as her emergency person anymore because when I needed her, she wasn’t there.
She got really upset and said I was punishing her for missing one call. I told her it wasn’t one call, it was the fact that I was terrified and she made me feel completely alone, then expected me to keep being available for her.
Now she says I’m being cold and transactional. Part of me feels guilty because emergency contact sounds like such a small thing, but another part of me feels like I can’t keep being someone’s safety net when they are not mine.
AITA?