u/Armadillo7484

Have you been in my position with good advice/point of view for me, or my boyfriends position with good advice/point of view to help me?

I'll make this quick and straight forward as I can, I also want to preface that my current boyfriend has never given me any reasons of doubt or been dismissive, defensive, or mean to me.

Another thing to preface is I was once in an emotionally abusive relationship with an addict for 3 years who I loved, but obviously ended up failing and ending and it was a huge learning lesson for me, and took me a bit to get back to being myself after. With getting back to being confident and happy again I thought I was invincible but I'm realizing now I still have conditioned threats in my body and its pissing me off that my brain is doing this.

Now as of recent, I've been with my current boyfriend for about 8 almost 9 months, im 30yo F, and I'm super stoked on him and would love if it continued to work out and become something for the long hall. A few weeks ago I had a brain spiral of feeling like something was off b/w us and I think it was largely influenced by hormones and stress of school as I've gone back to school and am taking 2 big science classes. I was stressed studying for exams, hormonal and feeling like something felt off with us when I came over to his place. It really put me in a funk/spiral, feeling super inadequate, insecure, melancholy, etc. (I've also recently been told by other women around me that their periods turned different hormone-wise in their 30s and can be more intense). I overanalyzed everything for a few days; his affection towards me, his tone, etc. I couldn't stop investigating and looking for answers and inconsistencies with his words-actions (as this was a big thing I delt with in my abusive relationship). I eventually moved passed it all after a few days and made it clear to him that he's amazing and I was stuck in a weird mental battle and he never was mean about any of it. I just felt bad for temporarily making things sad, confusing, tiring. I thought about the other two short term relationships id been in prior to him and how i never got to that point with either of them so whats the deal now? I think It's just tied to how much emotion and feeling is invested in this relationship as I didn't feel as strongly in my last two. So I'm on alert for the rug being ripped out from under me.

Now fast forward to last night, I happened to look at instagram at a post he did back in January just for fun/boredom. Also to note, he's not a big poster, or big presence on it which is cool and I like that. I look at the carousel post that originally had two pics of me in it, one with me in my moto helmet when we were still friends and rode our motos together, and the other pic of me was a lil pic he took when we were dating and drove backroads in the mountains/forest. I noticed the forest picture was deleted and it immediately set off an alarm system in my head (I know this is a past alarm system as my ex used to downplay me in his social media; posting me then taking it down, not mentioning me to people, etc.) So it made me feel sweeaty and sick. I looked at his highlight albums on his profile and there use to be two albums, one is deleted, that one had a pic of me taggin me and heart emojis that hed once put on his story (already dating in this pic) and highlighted into a new album, but now that is deleted. That deleted album had some other pics in it of just fun boy stuff and it wasnt like it was dedicated to me or anything. but all of it together made me feel uneasy. So I txted him asking about it, just saying I noticed it was both gone and wondering why. I didn't accuse or anything like that, and I didnt blow up but I wanted to be direct and ask. hes currently on a boys trip he does every year, which I'm super stoked for him about and have no insecurities about, and maybe now I feel bad that I asked about it while hes on a boys trip instead of waiting. last night when i asked he responded appropriately; not mean, was supportive, and apologetic. He said he didn't delete the post picture and doesnt know why/how. and he deleted the highlight album prior to a big interview in case of backgrounds because there was one pic he didnt want seen during that process. That's understandable, but I cant help but wonder why he didnt just remove that one pic from the highlight? Unless its just simple boy brain? I also cant help but think the pic deletion in his post is weird because he said "maybe it's archived," but to remove a pic from a carousel post, you have edit it and remove it, there is no archive, i dont know how that accidentally happens? My brain went straight to thinking if he's trying to not look like he has a girlfriend, or what?

Any insight or if you've had similar experience on my end or the other and could provide logic to a spiraling brain. I feel like my body is on alert for something that's still conditioned in my boy. We txted today and he apologized again asked if I still feel stressed about it, and I told him I feel a little weird because of an old alert system that has nothing to do with him, and that I believe him. I'm dropping it for now so it doesn't ruin his trip, but I cant help thinking how it feels weird. idk, tell me I'm overthinking and its not a big deal, but I just want some strangers opinions i guess.