Everyone thinks my ‘mask’ is my ‘true me’ and my real ‘true me’ - a cowardly fake.
My first t post ever on a social media :)
At 55, I was diagnosed with a high-functioning autism and ADHD.
Prior to that, I had a long successful international career including 9 years as a CEO. I am also a husband of 25 years and a father of four.
I have spent my life feeling, as long as I can remember, as a misfit and explaining it by that I had been born with depression (yes, always on Prozac). I, therefore, took an enormous effort to be accepted and to succeed. It did work out really well for me, although I have forever been sincerely and unknowingly complaining to others that I felt ‘like an actor working 24/7‘.
… Now I know it’s called ‘masking’. What helped me mask was that I mostly spoke foreign language at work (not at home…). Also, it forever prompted me to seek new places to live, as «acting » is easier with a new audience. I am totally exhausted by this masking, but I can’t stop doing it because too many people depend on me.
Over the years, people were regularly giving me well-spirited feedback about my «needs to improve» in the way I communicate. They, accidentally, were describing an autistic person. … Too black and white. Checks out when not speaking or not looked at. Long monologues on his favorite subjects. Not smiles, unless reminded to. Frozen glances. Questions everything. Blunt. Abrupt. No small talk? … In the same time, I was told I was charismatic, honest, reliable, inquisitive, having an encyclopedic knowledge, strangely funny. … When with others, I only felt relaxed after a couple glasses of wine.
Today, when I open up on my newly discovered identity, almost no one who has known me for years believes that I have an autism and most think that I hide my imperfections and laziness behind a false diagnosis. If I stop masking, to let the exhaustion go, my family will hurt the most, and they already do … But I am completely exhausted.
Feel free to reach out directly. I would not mind.