I don’t know what to do.
I am having difficulty figuring out if my boundaries are being violated or if I’m being unreasonable.
Situation: my wife 28f and I 34m have been married for 3 years and together for 8. I always knew she was poly and so the situation I’m struggling with didn’t start as a problem for me. She was away for 6 months for work and she found a female partner 38f they hit it off. A few weeks pass and her partner says “I love you” to her I guess by mistake and she calls me after to ask if it’s okay to say it back. I say that’s fine but I’d like to keep things non physical until I can meet her and get to know her. A couple weeks pass and after a blow out on the phone her new partner kisses her. My wife again called me the next day. It did feel bad but I was able to see how it was done to help her. A couple more weeks pass and my wife calls me and says “I’m going to kiss her and you will just have to deal with it” and that one stung. They did of course kiss and it’s been not so great ever since. A few weeks passed and her partner decided to get sexual with her. My wife called again the next morning to tell me. She also mentions that her new partner’s husband M45, said I love you over text. They had never met in person at that point. By now I just feel overwhelmed with everything and so I just say yes. They asked to be sexual and I said fine as if my feelings about it didn’t matter. I felt like she would likely just do it anyway. Her partner, husband, and her all decide to go to a hotel for a weekend. I didn’t even object despite how uncomfortable I was. Ever since then it’s just been her with her partner doing everything. She finally came home after the 6 months away and for the last 3 days she just constantly texts them when we’re supposed to be enjoying our time together.
I just feel so overwhelmed and steamrolled. I love my wife and I want her to be happy but it feels like she doesn’t care if I have boundaries and needs. Like I don’t matter anymore. I don’t want to put rules on her or constrict her I just want her to show me she cares about me too. She says she does care. She says I’m her everything vs them which is just a small part but I don’t feel these words match the actions taken. I want to tell her how I feel but I fear it’ll just drive her away into their arms instead of spending time here with me.