I feel guilty but I can’t stop thinking about her
I’m 24, Bengali, married with a 3-year-old son. My husband is genuinely a good man and supports me in everything but he’s never really been romantic or affectionate and I think for years I just ignored that feeling and focused on being a wife and mum.
About 6 months ago I started working at a gold shop and became really close with one of my colleagues (Pakistani girl around my age). She helped me gain confidence a lot because before I was really shy and insecure. We became best friends really quickly.
A couple weeks ago we both had the same day off so we went shopping together. I normally dress fully modest but she had me trying on co-ord sets, tighter clothes, dresses etc and kept hyping me up saying I looked like a Bollywood actress. Honestly I got overwhelmed because I’m not used to that kind of attention at all and I started feeling really good around her.
After being out for hours we went back to her flat because we were tired. She went to get changed while I was on my phone and when she came back she was wearing really tight clothes where you could literally see her bra through the top and everything showing her figure. I remember feeling awkward but also weirdly nervous and aware of her.
She sat really close next to me and put something on TV. At first I thought it was a normal movie but then it turned into girls kissing and touching each other. I asked her what she was watching and she just laughed and said this is what she likes watching to relax.
Then she asked me if I’d ever kissed a girl before. I said no and she kept moving closer to me, touching my hand, complimenting me, taking my scarf off and playing with my hair saying how beautiful I was and how lucky my husband is. I honestly can’t explain how much those comments got to me because I haven’t felt wanted like that in years.
At first I kept refusing but eventually she kissed me and the second it happened I completely froze because I actually liked it way more than I expected. I still had gum in my mouth and while we were kissing she took it from my mouth into hers and just smirked at me like it was nothing. That moment honestly made my heart race because it felt so confident and intimate. The kissing got more heated after that, she was whispering things to me while holding me close and I completely lost myself in the moment. I remember her hands on my waist and hips pulling me closer and the way she was looking at me made me feel genuinely desired. I honestly forgot everything around me for a while.
Things carried on for a bit and I let it happen because emotionally I think I was craving that attention so badly. Then she started moving her hand higher up my leg and tried putting her hand inside my co-ord trousers and that instantly snapped me back into reality. I pulled away straight away and said I needed to go home.
Since then we haven’t spoken and it’s been 2 weeks. I feel guilty and disgusted at myself but at the same time I can’t stop replaying it in my head because part of me loved feeling wanted and desired like that. I miss the attention, the softness, even her smell is stuck in my head and I genuinely don’t know what to think of myself anymore.