u/ArticleFit811

19F, HFpEF. Now, before anyone says anything, the point of this post is because I know this is bad, and I am going to tell my cardiologist. I just feel very embarrassed. I hate torsemide more than anything. It gives me such a sucky quality of life, and the reason I stopped taking it was because I couldn't go to work while taking it, because I couldn't be near a bathroom for extended periods of time. I haven't taken it in about two weeks, and except for a few days at the beginning, the whole two weeks I have been pretty much edema free in my legs. I haven't really noticed any other symptoms, maybe slight shortness of breath, but nothing bad at all.

It is just so easy when given two choices to choose the one that is better in literally all aspects. I feel genuinely so much better off of torsemide than I do on it. However, I realize that it is kind of important for, you know, living. So I am going to message my cardiologist, but I have no idea what to say. I don't have any excuse, and I feel kind of like a failure. I'm worried she's going to think all of these bad things about me, which sucks cause I really like her. What should I tell her? I know to be honest, but what else? What do I tell her as a why? Cause my why is seeming very stupid to me right now.

I'm 19F, which I'd say is a little young for this type of thing, but I've been struggling with what I'd call an existential crisis for a couple of weeks now and nothing is helping.

This is a little backstory as to why I might be feeling this way. We lived overseas, but are American. When I was 15, my sister got pretty badly sexually assaulted, and I was the first person she called for help. They never caught the guy. After that, my dad fell into this super deep depression, and eventually lost his job. My mom couldn't handle everything I guess, and she wanted to divorce him. So he left. And then after he left, we had to move over 5,000 miles back to America with nothing but two suitcases each. But the thing is, I was about to go to college at this point, so when my mom and my dad got their new houses, there was no place for me, no room. So I left and now I don't really have a home to go back to. I only have couches and guest bedrooms.

And now all I can think about is what I no longer have. A family, a home. And I know this sounds drastic, but every time I call my mom or dad or siblings, I can't help but think about how one day they will all die. One day everyone I love will be gone. And my family is all I have, they are the only people who genuinely love me, and it breaks my heart even thinking about how they will all be gone one day. And yes, I am well aware that that won't happen probably for a very long time, but the years are going faster and faster and I know that I will look up at 80 something years old and everything I love will be gone. And my siblings are all starting their own lives, and I am just so stuck in the past.

I'm working my first job (which is just a summer job. I finished my freshman year of college, but I got to go with my brother), and it is on the other side of the country. I just think that being away from everyone made me realize what home really is, and that I don't really have it anymore.

At the end of this summer, I get to go to my mom's house, then my dad's house and spend time with my sister for a few days, then what? I go back to school, where I have no friends to get a degree I don't want and live a life where all I feel is loneliness?

I'm like stuck in this limbo where I want to spend time with these people but all that does is remind me that they won't be here forever. I'm stuck mourning the past. I can't make myself appreciate what I once had because I so badly want it back. I don't want to move on.

I know a lot of people want to, but I want to go back home. I want to watch tv with my mom and play board games with my siblings. It all ended way too abruptly. I feel like I didn't get to finish my childhood. And everyone always says "you have to create your home," but that is a lot easier said than done. I just want my family back. I want to spend the rest of my life with my mom and dad, and my siblings. I am really not kidding when I say I love them more than anyone and anything in the world, and I know I will never be loved as much as they love me.

And please don't say "these feelings are normal." I get it. Just because it might be normal doesn't make it easier. And I know that all of this isn't possible. I have to grow up, but man life really sucks right now. I am so sad.