u/Artistic_Length_6135

To start off I (19m) started dating this girl (19) in Junior year. This was both our first relationship. It lasted about 2 years and I decided to end things with her 2 ish months ago because of her mental health and it really taking a toll on me.

Prior to the official breakup I blocked her on everything but she still managed to find a way to text me through Cash App. Before I could block her for good on there I received a message that shook my world. It read, “Unblock me or I’m gonna tell everyone you sexually assaulted me”. I was really hurt and confused because I had no idea what she was talking about. Things were bad and a lot of horrible things were said between each other as the relationship ran its course but I never imagined she’d say anything like that and accuse me of something like that.

I unblocked her and asked her what the hell she was talking about and to not say stuff like that. She said

“You did”

“You sexually assaulted me”.

I asked her to explain. She tells me how there was this one time where she stayed over and how I went down on her and she wasn’t fully aware and didn’t consent so I sexually assaulted her. Before getting defensive I sincerely apologized to her that that’s the way she saw things and how I’m sorry if it affected her but I wanted to tell her my side of things because that’s not how I saw that situation at all.

So I rewind to the day it happened. She was staying over for the first time in a long while (we became kinda long distance (about 2 hours of distance)) and during this time we were highly sexually. I mean every single day she was over it was sexual exploration type of sexual. One day I thought back on a something that’d been brought up multiple times before when we were in the heat. It was about how she’d really love me waking her up by going down on her. That was a fantasy that we’d often have, so that was something that I thought was reinforced to be okay.

So I went ahead with it and did it because I thought that it’d make her happy. While I was in the middle of it she woke up and was looking at me. I asked her if she liked it to which she gave me a very satisfied sounding “mhm”.

Throughout the two years together I always tried my best to make sure her comfortability was first before my own. I told her every single time we did something sexual that it was okay to say no and to tell me if she didn’t like something. Which she did do a lot. There were a lot of things she wasn’t into. I was completely okay with that. When it happened, it wasn’t even a thought in my mind that I could be sexually assaulting her because of all the reinforcement of it being okay. The fantasies, the way I knew she wasn’t afraid to tell me to stop whenever she felt like it, the positive response while I was doing it. It made me think it was just another normal time like any other time.

Fast forward to now. The reason I’m making this post.

We haven’t been dating for a while now and i haven’t talked to her since the last message she sent “I hope i fucking die and know it was all your fault”. (That’s where i decided to end things). But recently, you know. Loving someone so much, you wanna see how they are doing. I’d be lying if I said i didn’t have love for her anymore and care for her extremely. I checked her TikTok reposts even though I know i shouldn’t have and I saw something she reposted (which she later un reposted ) that made me feel like even more of a fucking scumbag. But it also made me angry. The TikTok caption said like

“Me in 20 years blocked after commenting ‘did you sexually assault her too’ on his wedding photos”

Like what the fuck is that?? Something that has mentally made me feel like shit for months and something I’ll probably never get closure on now, reposted like a sick joke!I did everything I could in that moment. Apologize, take accountability, and explain my side of things when she said that I sexually assaulted her. She told me that she understood and we both came to an understanding that I had no ill or malicious intentions when I did what I did. I told her how much I regretted it (because of this problem it was causing) and how if I could take it back, I would in a heartbeat.

Like the title says. It was a mistake (that I know I can’t take back) that’s haunting me and I tried to make right with it/her before things ended and I thought I did but seeing her repost something like that has made me realize that I’m gonna live with this horrible regret for the rest of my life. I get if whoever sees this thinks I’m a horrible scumbag. Please save it. I beat myself up enough over it.

I don’t wanna let a mistake define me in my mind for the rest of my life.

Please help. I need genuine advice on how to be better after everything and how I should even feel.