TW: racism, transphobia, and references to child sexual abuse
My mother-in-law is one of the most openly bigoted people I have ever met, and I honestly don't know how to deal with her anymore.
She's a white Brazilian living in the UK. I'm British of East Asian descent, and I've been with my husband for almost ten years. Unfortunately, my FIL and SILs can also be casually racist. Early on, I was worried that if I challenged their comments, DH’s family would resent or hate me. I would always ask him not to intervene. Over time, though, DH has encouraged me to stand up for myself, and together we now challenge these comments when they happen.
MIL has said "all lives matter," claimed black people "just make excuses" and have the same opportunities as everyone else, casually used the N-word multiple times in public, and insisted it's fine for her to say it. She stereotypes black people as aggressive. When we mentioned inviting one of my husband's Jamaican friends to our wedding, she laughed, asked whether he would "dance like black people do," and then started gyrating around in a mocking way.
She has also mocked Arabic place names, pronouncing them in an exaggerated accent and laughing. When DH called her out immediately, she denied she was making fun of the language. She has made karate-chop motions and stereotypical "Asian" noises in front of me when Japan is mentioned. She repeatedly asks if I'm Korean, even though I've corrected her countless times over the years that I’m not. She's also mocked Asian accents. When confronted, she cries, tells me she experienced racism for being Italian in Brazil and she became “stronger” through it. She tells me I need to "be stronger too" because she's "just joking," that I'm too sensitive, and that this is normal where she's from.
For our honeymoon, we went to China and Japan. MIL expressed serious concern about DH travelling to China because she views it as unsafe, then contrasted it with Japan by describing it as much more "civilised."
It doesn't stop at race. In front of her transgender nephew, shortly after he transitioned, she said being transgender was wrong and weird.
MIL is also deeply hypocritical. She frequently criticises immigrants despite being an immigrant herself. She idolises Trump despite never having lived in America, and she supports Bolsonaro. When challenged, she either claims ignorance about their actions or says she was "just joking," despite having voted for Bolsonaro.
MIL has also made random jokes about paedophilia at her grandchild's birthday party, in front of other parents and children. When we discussed Epstein's victims (on a separate occasion), she said they, or their parents, were only after money and fame so they are to blame. We tried to educate her that this was wrong but she got so riled up we had to just end the conversation there.
When MIL met my parents, whom are older, smaller in stature, and not as fluent in English, she repeatedly called them "cute". My mum later told me how embarrassed and uncomfortable that made her feel. When my husband and I explained that this was inappropriate and infantilising, MIL acted confused. Later, when we explained the Chinese tea ceremony we wanted at our wedding as a way of honouring our elders, she dismissed the tradition by laughing and said she knew what we were really after: money.
At this point, I have a lot of resentment and anger when I think about her. I also feel a lot of anxiety going to family events. I have drastically reduced spending time with her even though she lives 5 minutes away. I don't know whether to keep trying, go low contact, or simply accept that this is who she is. My husband always defends me, but she cries, denies everything, minimises it, claims not to remember, or insists she was only joking.
How do you deal with someone like this? My husband and I would like to have children, but I worry about the impact people like this could have on half-Asian children.