I miss the old version of myself… is this growth, or just adulting?
I’m turning 29 this June, and it’s been 5 years since I became the breadwinner after my father passed away.
Lately, parang nami-miss ko yung old version ng sarili ko.
Napapansin ko kasi ngayon, ang dali ko nang ma-irritate, mainis, and ang impatient ko na rin. Even small things affect me more than before, and minsan nahuhuli ko yung sarili ko na nagiging rude, especially sa mga kapatid ko. May moments na parang bigla na lang akong nags-snap, then after nun, guilt agad.
Napapansin ko rin siya sa work. Kapag may coworker na paulit-ulit nagtatanong, minsan naiirita ako. Siguro because when I need help, I make sure na ginawa ko muna lahat on my own before asking. I check guides, resources, links--ina-exhaust ko muna lahat bago ako magtanong. Kaya minsan may toxic thoughts ako like, “Kung nagagawa ko, bakit sila hindi?” or “Bakit parang gusto nila madali lahat, samantalang ako hindi naman naging madali?”
And honestly, aware ako na toxic yung thought process na yun. I know people learn, work, and handle things differently. Pero minsan hindi ko maiwasang maisip yun.
Lately, lagi kong tinatanong sarili ko: How do I change this? How do I become better, para yung sariling wounds ko hindi mapunta sa pag-hurt ng ibang tao na wala namang kasalanan? Pero at the same time, napapaisip din ako… Am I being too hard on myself again? Baka pine-pressure ko na naman sarili ko to always be “good,” “patient,” or “understanding.” Kaya kapag nakakaramdam ako ng inis, galit, or pagod, nalilito ako kung normal lang ba ’to or may mali na sakin.
I’ve also been asking myself… How do you become unapologetically yourself without feeling guilty? How do you stop shrinking yourself?
Minsan iniisip ko baka may connect to sa childhood ko. Growing up, tinuruan ako to always be good, makinig sa matatanda, umiwas sa conflict, and always be the bigger person. And as a kid, I really took those lessons to heart. Pero ngayon habang tumatanda ako, nare-realize ko na habang iniintindi ko yung ibang tao, parang nakalimutan ko na ako rin pala… tao rin ako. Ako rin, deserves ng respect, kindness, even from the people closest to me. Pero ewan, kahit mas aware na ako ngayon, parang yung mga sinabi ng lola ko dati nakatatak pa rin sa sistema ko. Parang na-misunderstand ko siya growing up as if kapag hindi ako laging “good,” hindi magiging okay yung buhay.
Nakakamiss yung dating ako. I used to be more patient, softer, calmer, and more empathetic. I always tried to see the bigger picture. Pero ngayon… minsan parang mas manhid ako, mas detached, or wala na akong energy to care the same way. Maybe part of it is growth. Maybe adulting changes you. Maybe natututo lang akong unahin sarili ko. But sometimes, lumalabas siya in ways I don’t like-- like being rude, cold, or easily triggered.
And that’s what makes me feel lost sometimes. Who am I now? Ano na ba talaga yung values ko?
I honestly don’t know if this is growth, burnout, unhealed wounds, or just me changing… but lately, I’ve really been trying to understand myself.
Thank you in advance for reading. I just really needed to let it out and feel heard somehow, and I’d really appreciate any wisdom or advice. I do have an ate and kuya in real life, pero parang mas ako yung naging panganay because I had to carry a lot of responsibilities early on… so maybe part of why I’m here is because I’m also looking for that kind of ate/kuya advice or wisdom. 🥹🫶🏼