My dad told me when I was diagnosed a year ago, “do you really think your boyfriend is gonna wanna stay with you and put up with all this mess? If you don’t get it together and stop being stupid, he’s going to leave you.”
Mind you, his genes is how I ended up with “all this mess.” 2 of his brothers and his only nephew prematurely died because of “all this mess.” I could scream it makes me so mad.
How could that title possibly be related to band? Well, my band room now has German roaches….. I saw some crawl out of a case on Friday and found out no one has sprayed or treated my room yet. This morning I had them crawling on my band room door and all over tables. I can’t do this. What am I supposed to actually do? There’s no food in this room. Can they get inside the instrument cases? How do I safely treat the cases?
I will preface I am a teacher. I’m about to be in my last week of school before summer break.
I have been in an alleged manic episode for a MONTH now. Everything is magical except for the terrifying hallucinations. I got on an AP after un-medicating myself causing the manic episode to begin with.
I’m a week into the AP and my hallucinations initially slowed down, but ironically the AP causes sleep disturbances so my sleep has been around 6 hrs (my baseline is 9-10 hours) and the hallucinations are slowly creeping back.
I had a hallucination in the middle of class today. The kids were watching a movie and I was supervising the kids. As I was looking around, one kid looked like they had like a manikin or doll head instead of their real head and it scared tf out of me. I jumped really dramatically, but thankfully none of the kids saw as they were locked into the movie.
I’ve honestly never had a hallucination in class before and I’m so thankful this was my last day with kids.
Why is my AP making my sleep worse & bringing back my hallucinations and other manic side effects after initially curbing them? My dr had to beg me to start this medication and then for it to make things worse at first?
My partner thinks it’s my ‘illness’ wanting me to quit my teaching job and become a tattoo artist. I feel like my designs could be so unique and sought after that I become famous and rich. I am a decent self-taught artist and I did 6 different blackwork flash sheets today and they’re all so good despite it being my first time drawing in that style. At what point is it mania versus being creative and ambitious to be great? I’m so close to buying a tattoo gun and fake skin and get this ball rolling, but he’s being very discouraging and saying it’s a phase. I just know I’m meant for more.
“I haven’t been sleeping.”
“I can relate. I think about everything when I’m trying to sleep sometimes.”
“Yeah and then how it sounds like a crowded room of people all talking at the same time in different voices that is so loud I can’t possibly sleep?”
“No?..”
“Oh.”
A month later
“Any luck with your sleep?”
“I actually went to the doctor. They diagnosed me with something and gave me medicine for it that will in a way help with my sleep.”
“You can’t trust those doctors. Tell me they didn’t diagnose you with Bipolar.”
“How do you know? Why would you say that?”
“Your 2 uncles and your cousin were all ‘diagnosed’ with Bipolar. And don’t you try to blame it on your family either. The doctors will tell you it’s your family’s fault. It’s your own fault.”
“Why wasn’t I ever told about this? Why were their diagnosis’ kept a secret from me?”
“Because it’s not real.”
“So my uncle having a manic episode and being killed by police because he thought someone was after him wasn’t real? My cousin ending his life during a depressive episode wasn’t real? My other uncle dying from drinking gasoline during a manic episode wasn’t real?”
“I don’t know what to tell you. You just can’t trust those doctors.”
I haven’t spoken to my mom in over a month. Every time I would get on the phone with her, even her just saying hello would piss me off and enrage me. So, I just stopped answering. I feel like my bosses have recently been plotting against me, and somehow, I feel like shes in on it. She says she isn’t but I’m genuinely scared.
She doubts my diagnosis and refuses to even educate herself.
I have a rocky relationship with her to begin with due to some serious trauma she put me through w/ a stepdad back when I was a teen. She’s been wanting to pretend like it never happened and to be a good mom all of a sudden, and it’s hard to just allow that to happen.
I am terrified to see my mom for Mother’s Day. I feel sick even thinking about it. I don’t know what to do because I feel like a terrible daughter but I genuinely feel afraid. She both terrifies me and enrages me, and this is extreme level is rather new.
I am looking to see if there are any reputable mental health support groups. It can be vague but also can be specific to Bipolar. I feel so alone in my suffering, and I just want people that can understand and relate to what I go through while trying to function as a normal person in society. None of my friends understand and the family members that I would’ve been able to relate with this illness are all dead.
My weight is completely dictated by my episodes.
In my manic episodes, I lose 20+ lbs and workout for hours every day; my unmedicated episodes last months.
In my depressive episodes, I gain it all back and more and literally don’t move from the couch.
Why during a manic episode do I NOT want to take medication or for it to end?
I see other people say this and I roll my eyes, but I strongly feel this way and get it now.
My psychiatrist made the argument “don’t you want to stop hallucinating and blowing up on people and stop feeling afraid that you’re being plotted against?” She made a valid argument but I truly can’t see that right now.