u/Artuvian_Soul_707

I have 66 days sober and I do feel good about that. I haven’t wanted to use and stopped the kratom I used to get off the weed weeks ago. I also used Adderall for several months (not adhd) and finally stopped that two days ago. I clearly have very strong addictive tendencies. I have been finding it hard to be fully sober, hence the dalliance with Adderall. But that makes my mood shit and brings on negative obsessive thoughts. A part of me feels scared and sad about being alone. My husband travels for work and I do have friends but in the past I’d at least have weed to look forward to. Now I have no drug to entertain me and the thought of being with myself feels challenging. I know I’m being presented opportunities to heal and grow but shit I’m feeling low. I am truly still grieving weed. It’s multi layered and keeps peeling back.

Last night I really wanted to feel high and I knew I wasn’t going to turn to weed. I have 56 days and have been feeling strong. So I allowed myself to take some kratom (not something I need to do often) and this morning I was so exhausted, irritable, foggy, and just bleh. It made me realize that I would have preferred to be sober. The symptoms from the kratom sucked and it negatively impacted my mood and day. I now have more awareness within myself that it would be better to just stay sober. Yeah, sounds fun to be a bit altered but the consequences weren’t worth it. So a friendly reminder to anyone out there that cultivating sobriety is worth it and don’t let little blips get in your way of feeling good.

So I have 43 days free of weed and that feels really good. I don’t think about weed at all. It’s funny how as soon as it’s out of my system and I’m not in the habit I don’t care about it. I don’t have to be near it and that also helps.

Something that I need to be honest about in a space is that once I stop one addictive behavior, often it just goes into another substance. I won’t drink again, been sober for 15 years, so not many choices. This time I started using Kratom. It’s like the Addict inside cannot tolerate only being sober. So I allowed myself to use it as I got off weed but now I am kicking the kratom out the door. I need to see if I can just be fully sober. It feels hard and scary. That part really likes to feel altered by something. I had also taken some Adderall from a friend and that escalated some of these other addictive behaviors. So that’s gone too…feeling sensitive and mood is wobbly but I know in a week I’ll feel more stable. Anyone else the to others things too?