u/Arunaphi-1618

I wanted to share this stream-of-consciousness piece. Would be to happy to hear your thoughts. Thank you in advance. Hope you enjoy reading.

Ever since I was a child, long before I could form my thoughts into words, when my powers of observation had bloomed, I noticed that most of the adults who surrounded me were cowardly liars, who casually deceived themselves and each other, and it was instantly clear to me that whilst they praised certain virtues in public, they practised and mastered their vices in their private lives, and they were the very vices that negated the virtues they so eagerly avowed, which, even at that young age, made me cynical and angry; and I could not suffer their constant, sanctimonious exhortations, because they taught me about having the courage of my convictions with the same tongue with which they exercised their hypocrisy and insisted that I put into action the virtues that they callously betrayed with their every breath and with every lifting and falling of their limbs; and if I weren’t so young, so helpless, and so stupid, I would have burnt the whole world down in my anger and danced in rage over its embers, for youth follows in the footsteps of youthful stupidity, and it does not see reality through the twin eyes of Wisdom and Compassion, but rather through the ill lit cataracts of scorn and cynicism, and it sees everywhere it turns a hazy realm of dismal failure; but of course, humanity is more than its failures, and though its best intentions are thwarted constantly by bestial fears of privation, of retribution and of expulsion from the herd, and though these fears manifest themselves as cowardice in the face of call for heroic gestures, seeing that humanity so despises hypocrisy and desires truth is enough to not despair over such failure, and indeed, such hypocrisy itself portends the basic goodness of humanity, which, should it be allowed to flourish unhindered by the ancient instinct of self-preservation, would will the good of neighbour; and I, therefore, swore to understand myself, and that deeply, and hoped that in my own self-understanding, I may heal some part of the wound that festers at the heart of humanity, and for the sake of this hope I bound myself tightly to human nature, swore to never abandon myself, my fleshly, bleeding condition, even if all the waters of the deep rose to threaten me, and surprisingly, this adamant refusal to abandon Bar Nasha, the Son of Man, became for me an ark which helped me float above the flood of the events in my life and allowed me to observe the terrors that roiled around me as if I were a curious spectator, or even perhaps a physician watching over her sick patient, who calmly notes the progress of his disease and seeks to understand the symptoms, but I would be lying if I pretended that I did not suffer; I suffered immensely, but it is this very suffering which became the lens through which I study humanity, and I became an ardent student of the psyche, but isn’t it pretentious to act as if I were the first student of the human psyche? I hear you ask, and I say in response: Of course, I am not the first student of the psyche, and of course, I relied on the light blazed by the torch bearers who went ahead of me, the great many scientists of the soul, but true understanding cannot come from outside, and even angels who protect us along the way serve only to block us from reaching our true goal, which is the shedding of fear in love, and therefore, I abandoned whatever knowledge I thought I acquired from others and became solely interested in myself, and only in what I could directly observe myself, and it had to be so because a part of the problem of fear I unearthed is the fear of oneself as oneself truly is, and it occurred to me that by relying on the report of others who had journeyed before me and sheltering in the shade of unearned insight, I was shielding myself from the terrifying contents of my own emptiness; and, for this reason, I stopped reading books, and listening to the sage advise of those around me, and wantonly embraced folly as the path to truth; and let me place my finger gently on your lips and spare you the burden of wasted words: yes, I am aware that I might die in my stupidity, but better it is, I say, that we die in full blossom, though death hurries in, than to die anyway, but safely, as a bud untouched, and should I die in this mad pursuit, I will lie down knowing that I sowed the seed of tears in this lonesome, thorny corner this broken world and tried to make it whole, and I hope that some sorry soul will one day eat from the tree of knowledge that sprouts from the place where I lay buried, and she, like me, will find the courage to come before the flaming sword and be scorched, too, for this is my only prayer; so therefore, I turned to my fear, and stroked the rugged skin of my scarred and deformed soul, and I said to her, speak to me freely of anything, and I listen to you and you alone as my God, and for a long time, she held her quiet, and like a terrified child fled from my approach, and like a wounded animal ready to fight, she pierced me many times with her bleeding teeth, with her broken horns, with her jagged nails, but I learnt to stay even when it felt hopeless, and hope itself, I realised, was the enemy of patience, and therefore, I abandoned hope and came empty handed and naked, terrifyingly naked, before my soul, and I sat by her, and she turned to me and licked my hand, but I refused to move in the worry that I might startle her, and so she came closer still, the fearful gazelle drew near the lion, and nearer still, and yet, I remained unmoved, until she lay down on my lap with her head to my chest and her feet by the very mouth of the lion, and it was then that I opened my mouth once more to speak, and I said, My love, tell me why are you scared? What terrifies you so?, and she said, the Lion, that proud brute has pursued me without relenting, and my flesh is weak and my bones are tired from fleeing, and the root of my fear is the Other, the Lion, and I cannot brook his violent gaze or stand in his presence, because the day I stand still, I know I will be devoured.

I was born a Hindu, became a Christian (first Eastern Orthodox and then Catholic), only to return anew to the depths of my ancestral faith. This rediscovery of what I've come to view as the 'Primordial Religion' was not prompted by desire to return to a bucolic, unspoiled, idealistic past. On the contrary, it was prompted by delving deep into the Jewish faith, with the help of Rabbi. I studied under a Rabbi for three years because I felt that if I had to come to a true understanding of Christianity, I had to understand Judaism in its depth. Not Judaism as it presents itself to us today (scarred and traumatized as it was by the Roman genocide), but rather Judaism as it was practiced at the time Jesus is said to lived and gone about preaching his mission. I don't have the space to cover the details of how I came into contact with my teacher (it happened entirely by accident), but my studies with him brought me in touch with some basic facts. Facts which I think are worth considering, which clarify many common misunderstandings about the gnostic view of reality, and explain what it entails for people today.

1. Gnosticism is one single thing: Gnosticism as it has been popularly understood is a scholastic category invented to encompass and explain a particular philosophical outlook on life. The most common tropes associated with this pop Gnosticism are: 1. Acosmism (or that material world is unreal in essence and/or probably created by a lesser, evil deity) 2. Dualism (or that the life of the universe is a drama of clash between titanic forces of Good and Evil) 3. Soteriology of Knowledge (or that knowledge is a sufficient condition for salvation).

The problem with this homogenising view is that it is not universally true. There were many sects (most of whom simply identified as Christians) who did not hold all of these views at once, or if they did, not to the same degree. Valentinians believed that the universe, while flawed, is also a pedagogical schoolhouse to educate and arouse souls to the desire for truth. The Hermeticists viewed the world as a beautiful reflection of the Divine Realm, and not a trap for souls. Classical Gnostics, unlike the later Manicheans, believed in Emanationism where the material realm derived its existence from the Monad. Other Gnostics held highly complex and incredibly esoteric view of salvation that required involving rituals, detailed systems of passwords, and even magical acts.

A lot more can be said here: but the basic point is that 'Gnosticism' is not one thing. It is many things at once, and contains contradictions. But the good news (pun intended) is this: For us, the children of these late times, Gnosticism does not demand blind faith. Rather, it demands critical engagement.

My own teacher taught me that early, first century Judaism was itself highly pluralistic with many competing strands (Pharisees, Sadducees and Essenes were just the more popular ones). And some of the more esoteric strands involved theologies of personal deification, where the Temple was not merely a place of worship, but a symbolically charged space where the ritual actions helped in the ascent (it was actually described as descent) of the soul to the Divine Throne; and the soul became Yahweh Katan (the Little Yahweh). This is what was hinted at by the idea that the High Priest might die in the Holy of Holies; he therefore had a cord tied to his ankle in case he does die.

And despite the destruction of the Temple, the symbolism and possibility of descent to the Divine Throne is still available to us in the form of Kabbalah. Kabbalah, thus, would correctly fall under the category of Gnosticism, yet it views the world as fundamentally real (and good), evil as real (and shockingly even essential and indestructible - because it shares in the essence of God).

My teacher taught me, and showed me, that primordial religion is Alchemy. It is the religion that Jews inherited from the silt-rich, river-flooded soils of Babylon and Egypt. In fact, if you grasp the meaning of Egyptian and Babylonian religion, Judaism, and by extension Christianity and Islam become instantly clear. It is Religion of Wisdom, which in its chameleon-like willingness to adapt to the needs of the time, has presented itself in many forms in many places. It yields itself equally to grand public rituals, profound philosophical meditation, as well as secret inner practice.

2. Gnosticism is dualism: The second big misconception that people have about the Gnostic worldview is that world (and body with it) are fundamentally evil and need to be escaped. Some sects do. But more commonly, as seen in the Gospel of Mary of Magdala, matter as such is not evil. It is often treated as a means to an end. For example, in Sethian Gnosticism, after Adam and Eve are awakened to the state of their predicament, it is their offspring who becomes the fountainhead of gnosis for the rest of humanity. Gospel of Mary, despite the fragment we have, tells us something very important.

Matter is not unreal in the sense that it does not exist. Matter is unreal in the sense that it has no permanent existence and is subject to the law of causation.

Spirit on the other hand is not. And the identification of Spirit with Matter, of what is unchangeable and permanent with what is constantly changing and ultimately impermanent, is what is treated as sin. Sin, in other words, is a misunderstanding, a misperception, of who we are. And yet, matter is intensely useful. It is the goad of pleasure and pain, and vicissitudes of time, that awaken us to the possibility of eternity.

3. You can become a gnostic by studying Gnostic scripture: Gnosticism is not a religion for the "People of the Book," to borrow a Quranic phrase. It is ultimately an existential and experiential religion. You cannot study yourself into the kind of knowledge that the gnostic writings are talking about. You cannot think yourself into it. You cannot accumulate Wisdom like knowledge, because unlike knowledge, which comes from the accumulation of facts, Wisdom does not come from the accumulation of knowledge. If Wisdom were subject to effort, to an act of accumulation and building up, it can be torn down and dissipated. Whatever is subject to causation is bound to disappear eventually. Yet, the basic idea of Gnosticism is that true Wisdom is timeless and eternal. That should tell you something about the approach we need to take towards Wisdom. It requires the paradoxical effort of Wu Wei as the Daoists call it; Effortless Effort. Or as Tamil alchemists (Siddhas) called it: Sleeping with eyes wide open. We must become conversant in the language of paradox, which cuts through our ordinary ways of thinking. It requires that we profoundly trust ourselves and our intuitions.

I'd like to close by calling you to reconsider one of the most profound parables of Jesus. The parable of Mustard Seed. You are the Mustard Seed; the shade and shelter of ten thousand things, to repurpose a trenchant phrase from Tao Te Ching. But what am I?

"Whoever discovers the interpretation of these sayings will not taste death."