Life has been so hard.
A really long time ago I fell in love at first sight with somebody. It was really strange because I was just coming out of a serious relationship and I was super upset, I didn’t expect this pretty person to be so interested in me, the person behind the mystery was so beautiful and I now, am so grateful to have gotten to know them. A lot of things happened and we split up as I went to college and she moved away, and now I’ve dropped out. That’s its own set of upsets. It’s been hard on me living a normal life, honestly. It feels harder than described by others. Days feel so much longer than everyone else says, nights stretch on. I can’t stop thinking about that person lately, how they’re in the place to meet so many people, how long it’s been since I last saw them, heard their voice. Honestly they’re in the perfect place to forget all about me. The idea that they’ve always had the chance to check in. I have once. But… I just wish she still thought of me. The reality is that she doesn’t think about me nearly as much if at all, as I wished. She has someone who loves her and she loves. She doesn’t love me anymore. God that sucks so damn much. Above all I’m so happy she’s happy, which feels like slapping myself in the face. I miss her more than anything. I genuinely understand the term lovesick. I feel as if the love I feel is a sickness. I know it’s self explanatory but, like, I just feel ill in so many ways without her. It almost worries me about my future. I’ve expressed for the years we’ve been apart to myself and others I’m not interested in romance. The love I felt from her, the fact that we worked through it all and managed to despite things being rocky at first, break through. To live through and love one another, I think at least. I don’t really want that with anyone else. Nobody has ever given me the attention, the time of day, the care, the consideration, the appreciation, anything close to what she gave me. Fuck, when I heard her said she loved me it felt like I could do anything. I honestly still think I can but, what’s it for if not for the future I want with the person I love? I try to be religious but it honestly feels so conflicting because it’s so clearly divine to me. It’s like my every fiber is magnetized to her but god is trying to keep us apart, to keep her happy and keep myself from her mind. As if maybe she’s better off without me. I don’t want to even think about it. She is. And I hate it.
TLDR but still really long ig: Man, I’m so bent out of shape over this I could go until I run out of space. But, I’ll cut the rant short. I just, miss my person. It feels like I’m just, not hers. And I don’t want it any way else. I hate the stupid oh there’s so many fish oh you’ll get over it and find someone but maybe I won’t after three, coming to four years, maybe it’ll go to five, ten. I’ve worked so hard, done so much to improve my life and myself and move on and into a better place and despite that, it still just feels like she’s the only thing that could complete me, to replace that piece of me that’s missing. She will always be a part of me, and I will always remember her and wait, even if I’m left waiting forever. I’m not smart, but I’m strong, and damn I’m persistent.