My straight male friend has feelings for me.
The title pretty much sums it up, but here goes:
I don't know what to say much, or if any other lesbians (butch or otherwise) have had this experience—but I (18 GQ) friend-zoned my only guy friend. (18M) We've known each other since high school, and for context, I wasn't as butch/gnc as I am now (I was terrified of getting builed and just decided to play it safe). He mentioned that it started when he was a sophomore and I was a junior (he's graduating soon). I thought he was pulling my leg, but he was being honest as all hell. It t threw me off guard and I basically told him that I'm focused on college and not looking for any sort of romantic relationships (not a lie, but I needed to say something); he said that he's still attracted to me to some extent now and even texted me to ask if we wanted to go on a date (I got nauseous as the idea of doing anything romantic or sexual with men has grossed me out since I was about thirteen). We even called and I just told him “In the nicest way, way possible..you’re not my type.” (Again, not a lie, but I didn't want to come out to him right at that moment). It sucks because I do like him. He's kind and we share a lot of the same interests, but now I don't know what to do. I don't hate him or anything, but man…I don't know what to think. I keep playing over every interaction of ours in my head. ‘Did he interpret XYZ as something else?’ or ‘Had he wished he was with me instead of one of his ex-girlfriends?’ Even then, it just feels so odd. I don't know if anyone has had a similar experience with this sort of thing. We even went to grab some pizza at a restaurant and talked for a bit. He wants me to be his date to his prom as a guest date as well, I don't have it in me to come out to him, I'm scared of what he'd say to be honest. He's so kind and sweet, but I can't tear his heart more than it already is :( He assumed that the girl I used to have a crush on (whom I discovered back then is straight as a line and has a boyfriend) is a guy. I even tried to push him in a certain direction by telling him that I'm the one who prefers to be the ‘gentleman’ in a relationship if I ever dated. He responded by saying that we could split the bill 50/50 if we ever went on a date. I really don't know what to do..my sister has told me that she doesn't want me to lie about who I am and just tell him I'm a lesbian, but I don't want to lose him (he doesn't want our friendship to feel ‘different’ or maybe he even expects me to suddenly confess my feelings even though I told him he's not my type. (he thinks I'm into a different kind of guy) I know that this feels childish and I'm almost going to be 19, but I just can't help but think I screwed up—but I don't know. Has anyone else dealt with this before? I feel lost as hell right now.