Am i making the same mistake (M28)?
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Hi Reddit, I’m a 28-year-old man, and I’m looking for some outside perspective on my current relationship and my own reactions.
TL;DR: I’m 28 and in a new relationship with a woman I care deeply about. But I’m starting to see patterns that remind me of my previous relationship, where I felt responsible for my partner’s happiness and lost a lot of myself. My current girlfriend often feels unwanted, gets hurt when I spend time talking to family. I don’t know if these are real red flags or if I’m projecting my past.
Full story:
About two years ago, I ended a long-term relationship with my ex, who was the same age. During that relationship, I had been through a long depression, and when I finally started feeling more like myself again, I realized we had grown apart. I also started understanding how important communication was to me. I tried to talk about what I needed for the relationship to work: sharing more of the daily responsibilities, spending more time with my family, and discussing our future in a more serious way. I also tried to listen to her and make changes myself.
But over time, I felt like the same issues kept repeating. I felt responsible for her happiness. I cooked, planned activities, listened, tried to keep things positive, and part of me did like taking care of her. But it started feeling onesided. She rarely seemed grateful, and most things were someone else’s fault. She also had ongoing conflicts almost everywhere: with study groups, colleagues, family, and even sometimes with younger children in my family in ways that felt uncomfortable and immature to me. Eventually, daily life became too negative, and I felt like there was no room for compromise. Looking back, I think leaving that relationship was partly me finally gaining some self-respect.
Now I’m in a new relationship. My girlfriend is 32, and we’ve been together for about four months. I feel more strongly for her than I have for anyone before. When we are good, it feels really good. I feel like I can be myself with her, and for the first time in a long while I’ve actually been able to picture a future with someone. But I’m starting to notice some similarities that make me worried. She also has a difficult relationship with her family, and she doesn’t like many of her colleagues. To be fair, this situation seems more understandable than it did with my ex, because I’ve met some of the people involved and I can see why she feels hurt. Still, the pattern makes me nervous.
She often says things like: “No one chooses me.”, “I love you more than you love me.”, “You don’t talk to me.”, “You would rather talk to your family than me.”, “You’re the only one who cares about me.” and “I don’t deserve you.”
I talk with my family sometimes, at most maybe around an hour to an hour and a half every second or third day. Recently, both of my siblings called me one morning, and I spoke with each of them for about half an hour. My girlfriend became quiet and distant during the calls. When I ended the second call, she was about to leave without really saying goodbye. She said something like I would rather spend the little time she had before work talking to my siblings instead of being with her.
The thing that stuck with me was that the day before, I had said something positive: that I would always make time for my siblings and my family, day or night. She later used that in a negative way, as if my love for my family meant I was choosing them over her.
Another situation happened during a game night with friends/family. She didn’t like the first game, which I already knew, and I thought we would only play it briefly. But it turned into several rounds. Then we changed to another game, and she didn’t want to play that either. She sat in the corner knitting while I tried to include her. She also said several times that she could just leave and that I could stay longer.
I know she didn’t do anything “wrong” by not liking the games, but emotionally it hit me hard. I wanted to share a nice social situation with her, and instead it felt like my planned good experience became stressful and negative for her. It reminded me strongly of my previous relationship.
There have also been smaller moments where I feel like I can’t help correctly. For example, she had a breakdown over a bill with a short payment deadline. I tried to help, but I said something wrong, she snapped at me and went upstairs. Later, she said things like she doesn’t deserve me. Another time, friends asked us to go to a café, and I asked her if she wanted to join even though she had already said she wanted to go home and relax. She felt like I made her “the bad guy” and worried that my friends wouldn’t like her (this one is on me).
I want to be fair. She has a lot going on. She works hard, gets overwhelmed, and reacts differently to stress than I do. I care about her deeply. I don’t think she is a bad person. When things are good between us, they are really good.
But I’m scared. I don’t know if I’m noticing genuine red flags, or if I’m reacting so strongly because of my past relationship. I don’t know if I’m being careful and protecting myself, or if I’m projecting old pain onto someone new. I also worry that I’m falling into the same role again: becoming the person responsible for someone else’s emotional stability, while slowly pushing aside my own needs, my family, and my future wishes. So my questions is, am i just being overly sensitiv because of my earlier relationship?