u/Ashamed-Horror4484

I haven’t really been able to speak to any of my closest friends about this because I can’t deal with them undermining it. I have been a victim of COCSA and multiple SA’s after that. the first time i was assaulted i was 9 years old and it was by my cousin who was of similar age (who was also getting assaulted at the time), i didn’t know what any of it was at the but i’d sort of developed a hypersexual personality because of it and it had gone on for almost a year and it took me until i was 12 to finally come out about it since i had learnt what sexual assault and rape was through my friends, when my dad found out he’d threatened to cut me off (mind you i was 9 when it had happened). The second time i was sexually assaulted was in secondary school by this boy he was 15 and i was 14 at the time and he had forced me into giving him head to prove i was “straight” since an ex friend of mine had outed me as a bisexual , i had come out about it to my older brother about it and he’d done the right thing. and told my dad i remember him screaming in my face and calling me a “slag” a “whore” he’d threaten to hit me and kicked me out which was on a whole other level of traumatic. the third time it had happened i was in my favourite night club in gay village , i had one guy attempt to drag me out of the club while i was blackout drunk and i was lucky my friends were there, however another guy had dragged me into the bathroom (which were gender neutral) and had forced himself on me, and had started grabbing me in places where i didn’t want to be grabbed after i had repeatedly said “no” over and over again he’d attempt to take my jeans of and i mentioned my period and like “no” and he left and slammed the bathroom door on me. i remember coming back to my accommodation crying and repeatedly saying “why do i constantly get sexualised, why me”. i had contacted the police but the court system had sort of failed me as there was a “lack of evidence” when i was told that the CCTV footage was enough to prosecute. since that night ive been really struggling to be upset about it or even cry i’ve noticed i’ve been a lot less emotional lately and i don’t know it’s really been affecting me. the last time was this guy i was seeing we were having sex which was originally consensual and id explained that my legs were killing me and i couldn’t carry on like i wanted to stop he said “no let’s keep going” and continued i started to hyperventilate and i couldn’t breathe i had to lie to get him to stop and he’d just left and had given me abuse over msgs explaining how i made him feel insecure when he’d basically just raped me. overall, i’m having a really difficult time figuring out how i feel about all these situations and i weirdly don’t care about it like i should i dont know if because of the amount of times ive had something like this happen to i sort of became numb to it, i don’t know i haven’t felt like myself since that night club incident.