u/AshamedAndGay

Hello all. 20m here.

I spent a good 3 years of my life making post after post dragging on the same problems because the validation from other people felt nice, but in the end it was just reassurance seeking. I’m really sorry if I’ve come across as ungrateful as I know it seems like I’m never getting better. I’m sorry if I’ve become a recognisable person from my username alone. From now on, if I post I want to be sharing a win, or a specific problem.

This is sort of both?

In November of last year I was diagnosed with Atrial Fibrillation. I’m only 20 and if you don’t know what it is, it means my heart sometimes beats very out of rhythm very quickly. A bit like a squirrel in my chest. I’ve had 2 major episodes that have landed me in hospital and a couple very short ones.

It’s been isolating because it is overwhelmingly a condition of old age. It’s so rare in people my age that even at age 50 it’s considered very young.

It’s also difficult because I have to be my own advocate and often have to explain to doctors that no, I’m not stupid, I genuinely do have this condition. I’ve been questioned multiple times by doctors and have to say ‘No, I really do have afib!’. It mainly sucks because it feels isolating when even the doctors don’t understand you.

Either way, I’m having heart surgery in about a month or so. I find out the exact date on Friday. They’re basically gonna go in using catheters and map out the electrical structure of my heart, then depending on what they find they will scar the faulty part.

It’s not a cure but a treatment. I’m in a favorable group because I’m young and aside from the afib my heart is structurally fine. I’m also having this treatment done in London with a leading researcher of the condition!! He’s one of the people that actually brought the surgery to the uk back in the 80s.

I’ve never had surgery before so I’m feeling quite frightened. I also don’t really have a stable relationship with family to lean on, and I don’t have many friends. I worry that I will struggle emotionally with it all and feel really alone like I do now.

On the plus side I feel like I’m a stronger person than I thought I was. I’ve dealt with this life altering diagnosis and still kept going which I’m proud of.

Im a 20 year old guy and I have this awful need to compete at everything.

I constantly compare every single aspect of my life to everyone else and it feels awful but it’s the only thing that keeps me going.

I cannot stand the idea of someone being better at something than me and it makes me feel like I’m worth nothing.

I barely have any friends, I have no family to lean on, and I’m alone most of the time. I don’t enjoy being alone but I don’t think I’m a nice person and people don’t want to be around me.

If someone criticises what I do I fall apart for days, even weeks.

Everything feels like a viscous competition to me. If I’m not winning or impressing people then it means I don’t have any value to others. I feel like when I fail my whole world falls apart.

I was rejected from a job interview recently and it wrecked me. I couldn’t even go to the store as a customer because I felt so insignificant. Them not wanting me meant that I wasn’t enough which means I don’t deserve to be here.

I feel angry all the time.

I don’t experience happiness as an emotion. I’m not saying that to be edgy, I’ve been on many antidepressants over the years and nothing even remotely helps. My mood is flat and hollow.

I’m tired of being like this but truly fear recovery. The idea of admitting that this is a bad way to live gets rid of the only thing that motivates me. I get up in the morning to prove my worth. I’ve only stuck around this long for other peoples’ validation.

I’ve spent so much money on therapy, money I no longer can afford to spend.

I’ve been this way since I was a kid. When I saw my friends succeed and win over me I felt devastated and would begin to hate them. It felt like them winning meant taking away my happiness on purpose.

They got loving families and care while I did not. I was bullied for showing negative emotions and learnt to hide it. I refuse to show negative emotions to people because then I am burdening them and dragging them down. No one wants a person who’s sad all the time.

I just want to be better. Better than everyone. I want to prove to everyone that I am worth it and that I am valuable. I never feel like enough and the second someone calls me out or gets upset with me I breakdown and can’t cope.

I don’t understand why I’m so weak. I have spent so long trying to be better than everyone but it’s only made me feel weaker and worse than them. I’m falling behind in life (going to university 2 years late) and it’s embarrassing. I can’t even mention to people that I got into my dream school because I know that they will think less of me for going 2 years later. It’s a failing of mine that I feel ashamed about.

I’ve also got a rare heart condition which is even more embarrassing. I can’t even drink alcohol!

I’m also gay which feels awful. I can’t have my own biological kids and know I’ll never be able to live up to anyone’s expectations.

I just want to be better.