need female perspective on how to fix my relationshi
I am 24M and my girlfriend 23F we have been together for 2 years.
We were talking online but when things were unclear i had a hookup but i didn't communicated it with her as I didn't like it at all i regretted it so much. At that point , i knew wang her only(my gf) hookups are not for me i love her i didn't enjoy anything with another person but i was scared to tell her as she would've definitely broke up if I told her.
After 3-4 months, we met and after 3 dates, we met in private in start we didn't have sex ofcourse because she wanted to keep things slow but i was kind of insecure that if i am doing anything wrong as a man. She is scared of pain actually so ae never tried at that time.
So I kinda talked about hiw e were making out to a male friend and a female friend (female friend was a bumble friend but ive never met her but sexted each other once in past before i meg my gf so i was comfortable with her talking about it and I wanted a female perspective on this so i told her as a friend)
now without even sex, i was okay. we used to make out and help eacg other cum as i accepted that she is just scared of sex and one day we can. we tries 1-2 times but failed. But after one year, i decided to tell her as she read my old sexting with that female friend plus all mu conversations with my male friend also when j was talking about her. after 2 days of arguing, she forgave me sk j thought of telling her about the hookup also as i always regretted it. I thought we'll have no secrets after this but she slapped me because i did hoouo after guving serious hopes to her even though we never said i love you at that point but we were seriously at a talking stage and it wasn't casual. So she said its cheating only and I accept that I've hurt her.
She takes taliing about her private thjngs with others specially with ex bumble connection (we never met, i told her aa a friend only) she took it as i disrespected her so much and she has never seen any humiliation like this ever before as a friend.
I insisted her to stop but read each amd every message in mh phone she is deeply hurt.
Sinche then we are trying to fix our relationship, she tries to forget but she gets angry everytime and slaps me. I accept everytime because i believe i have done wrong with her and it will go with time. I take all the anger in every argument.
Since then i told her many times and we discuss it many times that i didn't like her at all but everytime we makeout she says she remembers or imagine myself with someone else and she gets really angry and turned off she eventually cums with vibrator but its been long sknce we kissed because i have lost all the confidence in bed after this.
I don't even remember when we lissed romatically we don't. whenever i touch her or massage her, she asks me vibrator (i feel insecure but i am okay once female get orgasm with vibrators its hard with fingers i accept that) but she is sensitive so she doesn't let me kiss her neck or shoulder or boobs at all. She closes her eyes and she hets turned on when i say inagine this imagine that but she have said to me once every time I say the word imagine she imagines those bad things so i am not able to say anything and she eventually ends up cumming by just herself thinking about i don't know what and i am just sitting there doing nothing. I am bad at communication and she like submission but I have lost all the confidence and I am so scared to even speak everytime as i don't want her to remeber anything bad from past by my talking. And whenever she comes, she moans i get sk i secure not knowing what she is thinking she must be imagining her with a stronger man (she directly says to me that i am a weak man which I am). So everytime she comes like this i have instant turn off thinking that she loves the pleasure but i am not a part of it and i cry deep inside a lot I feel very hurt and k cry everytime she comes.
Even when i try sometimes to talk to her, I am not good in words and she laughs when i speak wrong english or anything i do which she doesn't like. She likes older guys and doninating men. But I can't doninate her k don't have confidence after so much of shit we both have been through. And I have nothing left but just to cry.