I am utterly broken and would like some advice
Hey everyone, it's my first time posting anything ever on the internet, and honestly, I just need to vent to avoid going crazy.
I am a 22M and have been dating my 25F girlfriend with BPD for about 8 months now. We met at our university and very quickly started going out, with me making the first move. For the first 1.5 months, all went very smoothly. At that time, she started pressuring me to buy a ring, and when I tried to talk about how money was a bit short, all hell broke loose. I heard how other men were better than me, including colleagues of ours from the university, and how they would take my place if I did not start treating her better. I was called every single insult available and more. When the next month rolled around, I spent half of my income on a ring she wanted.
Not much later, we had our first breakup and it was bad, really bad. After a whole day of push-and-pull, I gave in and accepted the breakup offer. I was bombarded with insults which really hit my self-esteem, and later I received multiple photos of her hanging out with another guy on the exact same day. When I ignored it to preserve my sanity, I was accused of not "fighting for her" and letting her fall into another man's arms so easily. After this, she went silent for a month. Full no-contact is impossible since we are in the same class and now the same degree program, after she changed majors to spend more time with me. I had warned her about how changing degrees could be bad if we broke up, but to no avail.
Around the middle of November, a few weeks before the university went into recess, she started messaging me again, asking me to look for a sweater she left at my house and to bring it to her in class. I did. She chatted with me for a bit, being extremely friendly. A few days later, she messaged again asking for more help. Long story short, I eventually gave in, and we started dating again.
This time was different; the splitting and fights were about my hobbies and friends. This led me to stop talking to all my friends and I stopped gaming. My whole day revolved around her. My family noticed and asked what was going on, but I did not tell them because I did not want them to treat her differently, since a slight change in tone would set off her anxiety and paranoia. I took all of the blame and went harder: I bought multiple bouquets, whole decorated baskets filled with chocolate, expensive clothes, a new ring (since the old one was thrown away), and prepared special dinners at home with candles. I drove her absolutely everywhere and went to fancy restaurants that only God and my credit card debt know how expensive they were.
It was never enough; something was always wrong. Sometimes I was yelled at inside the restaurant, other times through text after leaving her at her house. We eventually broke up due to me forgetting to book a table at a famous restaurant and needing to wait 30 minutes in line—which is my fault, I understand, but not enough for a breakup.
We went 2 months with very little contact until classes started again and we had to see each other. I fell for it again, and we resumed dating after a few weeks of talking in class. She was much more tame this time, with the occasional drama that, with experience, I could navigate, deescalate, and calm her down.
Exactly two weeks ago, I landed a life-changing position at a foreign company and my income shot through the roof. This relieved me because I would be able to cover our expenses with much more ease. She started talks of buying a house or apartment, to which I agreed, and I was looking into it along with a car. But I had something to do first. A few weeks ago, she sadly got her purse stolen while working and lost most of her documents and phone. I had already helped her get new documents, even paying the fees required by the registry office, so I set my sights on buying her a new phone.
As soon as I received my paycheck, I told her about it, and we went to the Apple store (she wanted an iPhone only). I really wanted to give her something very good because I love gifting things, so I bought her an iPhone 15 Pro, which in a third-world country is one hell of an investment. I paid for it fully without asking for a single cent of help. I was the happiest man in the world that day; I really do enjoy gifting people I love and helping solve problems. This dream would not last long, sadly.
We went to the mall to buy clothes for her and her daughter. I confess that I was having a bad day and was a bit more silent than normal. When we got to the clothing store, she started asking if anything had happened and why I was not paying attention to her and helping choose a new dress. I told her it had nothing to do with her and that she could keep on shopping with no worries. Apparently, this meant I did not want to spend money on her, and if I did not start smiling and paying attention, we would leave. Since my patience was already thin, I told her I would not bother her anymore and would wait for her to finish choosing and come back to pay for it.
She left the store and started messaging me to take her home, and I did. You guys can imagine what the car ride home was like. This time I stayed silent, and it seemed to make things worse. Now I fear I am in the discard phase; it is the third day being ignored.
I feel awful, like a vampire just sucked all my blood or lifeforce. I barely scrambled the energy to come post here, and I hope this sensation goes away. I feel betrayed. I helped and bought so much, and it is not even about the money; I just wanted us to live happily.
I did not even come close to talking about all the fights and splitting episodes. I know I'm not perfect and have my flaws, especially my tendency to shut down and avoid conversations, but it is so hard to keep calm when the most vile words and accusations are thrown at you. Now I need to deal with the aftermath and most likely deal with her in my classes, which my brain is screaming at me not to go to.
I loved her with all my heart and still do. We had amazing moments outside of the splitting episodes and I will miss them dearly. Sorry for the long post, I just needed to get this off my chest. You guys are the first to know about it fully. I don't know if I should tell my family.
For everyone who has gone through this, I would like to know how to cope with the feeling of emptiness and total lack of energy, and how long it took to go away.
That's it, everyone. Thank you for reading.