(NSFW) Is it normal to have Masterbated so much when I was younger?
I (F20) come from a very toxic household full of a lot of csa, domestic violence, and victim blaming/shaming. I was csa'd by my oldest brother growing up, and he tried to teach me everything sexual there probably possibly is. I was ages 5-9 when this occurred, unsure if it happened when I was even younger than that because my memory is foggy. He's also older than me by 8-9 years.
Basically when he wasn't around I would do some of the things he taught me like masterbating, playing with stuffed animals like I would with him, and just a lot of sexual things when I was very very young. I had no idea I had to hide it except the fact that I'd do it with him sometimes, so I did it by myself and got caught multiple times.
My family for years after continued to shame me and make me feel weird because they would walk into me doing that, but I stopped around 10 years old. They would make fun of me and make me feel like a creep for doing it in their house so much so to the point where when I was 10 I tried to run away.
Fast forward to when I'm 17, I came out about it all and told my parents about what had really happened. They never believed me and they still continue to shame for for everything to this day and make me feel weird.
I've grown to become suicidal because I deeply hate myself. I feel ashamed for what I did when I was younger, I had done it at my grandmas house as well and I feel disgusting and filthy for it.
I don't know if I'm weird for this or if this is a normal reaction to the circumstances I've been through. I guess I'm just here looking for a little support.