u/AsleepScholar2200

Hey all - first time posting here.

Long time sufferer or Emetophobia here. The last time I was unwell and it happened, I was 4 years old and I had downed a big milkshake very quickly, then decided to sprint around the lounge. Safe to say, my mum didn't find it as funny as I apparently did.

Now I'm 26.. I've come close a few times; migraines, tooth ache, food poisoning. Funnily enough all of those times, I felt completely calm in that moment that I would have been happy to do 'it', if it JUST took the pain away. But alas, we are still here 22 years later unscathed. I've even restricted eating because of it.

Nonetheless, I am overall healthy.. and I have diagnosed OCD regardless. In the past 2 years, I've been affected mostly by Relationship OCD but now my Emetophobia is coming back with no real trigger. I know the unknown is scary.. but I've seen 'it' before.. heard 'it'.. watched 'it' in movies and been totally fine. But what does one do, when their partner isn't feeling well?

He knows I have this fear, he understands if he's ever unwell in this type of way, I'll run far far away and he's okay with that. He knows if we have kids and they're unwell, he will be dealing with it. But I just can't shake this super uncomfy feeling that I need to flee and go hide. He's at work today.. and has text me describing how unwell he feels. We consumed the same food last night and I feel absolutely fine but somehow, he isn't. He said he had to already run to the bathroom once because he thought it was going to happen. He's due home in about 5/6 hours unless he gets sent home in the meantime.. and I'm just super anxious about it all - I feel like I can't be home. I feel like I can't be here just INCASE he's unwell and INCASE it happens and I see/hear it. We only have a small 1-bedroom apartment.. I'd have to go sit in the car to really feel okay. I can't even just put headphones in, what if me being in the house, I catch it too? He's since said he feels a bit better - "only hot flushes now" which is driving my anxiety nuts. As soon as you open the fear.. my brains running with it.

My Emetophobia comes in waves, 6 months of being fine, not even thinking about 'it'. Then all of a sudden some tiny thing triggers me and I lose my mind. I feel like a bad partner too which doesn't help. And it's also making me super conscious and aware of the virus' going round at the moment and it's making me really overthink if I'm unwell too, if it IS a virus, where it's come from and how careful I haven't been about health and hygiene.

Asking for help.. advice.. anything I suppose. The more I talk about this fear, the more anxious I get.. so I suppose I try forget about it on purpose. But there have definitely been times my anxiety has been excessively controlling.

Just a quick vent, because I feel sad right now. I feel like everything I do, pisses my partner off.

We celebrated 3 years together a few days ago, he's a very kind and gentle soul who normally doesn't bring up 'issues', but I equally know my overstimulation gets to him sometimes and causes me to not be too nice. I'm trying my best to stop it.

Our kitten just went through surgery.. and I had to wait all day (I was home) for calls and news on her condition. Obviously the worst goes through your mind if she'll be okay but thankfully she was. I collected her the end of that day and was told to really monitor her which I took a bit too obsessively. I had a banging headache, returned home to my partner, tripped over his shoes whilst carrying the cat because he hadn't put his shoes away. I was annoyed and the first thing I said to him was "can you please put your shoes away, because I just tripped over them holding her" and he nodded quietly.

He them asked "what do we have to do now with her" (in terms of meds, monitoring), whilst all my hands were full and I hadn't even stepped in the door. I told him "Can you please just give me a minute to get in the door?" and he went quiet.

After this I told him and things were normal and fine. Later that evening, as the vet had told me I'm able to carry her and lift her onto the bed/sofa instead of jumping, I did that. When I did, the cat was obviously in pain and didn't like it and lashed out. I felt really at the end of my tether because I felt like I was the only one doing everything. I had been monitoring her whilst cooking food. My partner was in a video games whilst I cooked and so asked for it to be brought to him (I normally don't mind this, he gets penalised for leaving his video game mid-match and I usually always cook, he cleans). But I suppose all of this in one day/evening and I really just felt like 'It's all my responsibility'.

I lashed out at him again and said "I'd really appreciate it if you could just help monitor her aswell, I'm driving myself nuts and I just can't seem to relax". He quietly said "ok" and then we didn't speak again. I took myself to bed (as I only had 4 hours sleep the night before her surgery from nerves) and I ended up sleeping 12 hours straight. He monitored her and made her a comfy bed overnight, cut off rooms she couldn't go and took good care of her. I don't know why I feel the need to heavily control everything and stress myself out when he's perfectly capable of doing these things.

This morning, I apologised and he said "it's okay", kissed me on the forehead and went to work. I keep replaying it all in my head, I know I was exhausted, nervous, had a headache and felt one-sided with things, but I know it wasn't and now know I could have been kinder during these moments.

I know these things happen, but I went out and bought his favourite pizza and ice cream today as a 'sorry'. I don't normally get gifts when I do nasty things because I don't wanna be 'that' person but I also just don't want things to build and build and he hates me. He's already mentioned before in our relationship that I can be nasty sometimes. I just worry one day he won't tolerate it anymore.. because I need a little more pushback for me to fix my behaviour.