I know this is going to kill me
I’m sat here trying to think of what to type but I know that no matter how well I explain this story, nothing is going to change the impact on me, my BP or my family.
I lied to two people and had concurrent emotional attachments, during this period there was a soft breakup of existing relationship, on / off situationship. I lied for months and months to protect my original lie of being single / not talking to anyone else before or during the breakup.
The only thing that kept me going during these months was the fantasy of AP or the belief of being able to separate from both and have a healthy relationship with the next person.
But the amount of grief, guilt, shame and anxiety is unbearable. I’ll never trust a relationship again and it’s because of my own actions. I’m autistic and I’ve been on different SNRI / SSRI meds since Feb-25. Still with BP but I’m not improving. I’ve been doing counselling with different therapists but I know that the loss of trust and certainty within relationships can never be repaired.
I know that I’ve irreversibly red lined my brains dopamine reward system with risky and fetishised encounters with AP.
I really don’t know how to move forward with my life.
I’m also autistic which increases my dependence on certainty and fully resolving something, which I know isn’t possible with this but also probably contributed to not being able to get out of it at the time.