r/SupportforWaywards

These are the words they told me last week. They don’t know how long it will take to be fixed. Dday was last December (ONS).

I trickle truth & a second DDay was in September of this year.

There’s been no sex since July, weeks of no touch, kissing, letting me in their day.

When I ask if it’s better if I leave? No response

When I ask if they want to cut ties? No response

They’re still processing their thoughts. We still live together. They still wear their ring. They’re super vigilant about my behavior and whether I’m present mentally vs physically

The uncertainty is killing me, but not more than what I’ve done to them

Today is one month since my BS told me they wanted a divorce because of my betrayal.

My day started off with a trip to the ER because of a leg injury sustained two weeks ago. I noticed yesterday that my leg was getting worse and knew I needed to get it looked at. I was nervous about it needing surgery and had asked them to come with me, which they willingly agreed to.

But the more I thought about it, I didn’t want them to feel obligated to feel bad for me. I didn’t want them to feel trapped in a small space with their betrayer. I didn’t want to sit next to them wishing that I could reach out for them, touch them, or hold their hand. So I told them that I would do it alone and that they didn’t have to come.

After four hours, I came home (yes, due to some financial restraints, we still live together). I let them know about the diagnosis, which is just a muscle tear. The way it felt, I thought I had torn a tendon in my hip.

An hour later, I had a therapy appointment, and five minutes in, I just started sobbing. The emotional weight of the day just took over.

One month.

One month without my best friend. One month without my life partner. One month of knowing how much my own selfish actions caused them horrible pain and betrayal trauma. One month of wishing I could change the past. One month of continuing to do everything wrong.

They ask for space, and I can’t give it to them. They ask me not to pursue them, and I keep pursuing. One month of turning my emotions into their problem.

One month… the worst month of my life. All self-inflicted.

After losing my exBP and my family, I have lost more friends. Someone I considered a great friend of mine looked away from me as I waved at them today.

I keep seeing my exBP everywhere. The other day, I was walking the campus, when I saw the friend I mentioned and exBP hanging out with each other. They hadn't really talked before. They hardly knew each other. And yet, there were my best friends in the world, becoming each other's. And I was a stranger to them.

I ran into BP at the store. Rounded the corner, coming face to face with them. They weren't interested in speaking to me. We greeted each other, and moved on. Their friend eyed me and grunted.

When I told one of my friends about my cheating, they admitted their cheating past, as well. They knew how sad I was. They knew how hard it was on me. And yet one night, they tried to make a move on me. This person is in a long term relationship. And I had to stop them immediately. I reminded them of their commitment, and told them exactly what cheating does to people.

We had a young teen in our community kill themself recently after their partner cheated on them. My partner was nearly to that point because of me. And here my friend was, trying to seek validation from me despite knowing what my ex partner and I are actively going through. I don't want to be cynical, but I suspect that it's precisely because of my cheating past that they would try to take advantage of me. And the only thing that stopped it was not their choice, but my own.

And I just had someone today confess their cheating behavior to me to "get it off my chest".

I just feel like crying all the time. I think of what I did to them constantly. I tear myself apart analyzing the reasons why. And I keep slipping over and over again.

And fuck. I ran into BP on the road about a month ago. We began hanging out again for about a week. They came over at night. They gave me a hug, held my hand, leaned into me and fell asleep in my arms. I told them I chose to do that with them.

And a couple of days later, they told me we shouldn't see each other again. I know I am not entitled to anything. But I want to reconcile our relationship desperately. And it just hurt so much. I asked them to talk about it. They came over and told me that they felt disrespected that I'd even ask. They said they didn't want to see me or talk to me, and there's nothing more to discuss. I don't know why they agreed to talk to me and then tell me they'd rather not when they come over.

I know I betrayed them. I can't expect anything. It's only been three months since DDay. But I felt, and still feel, completely confused. It was upsetting that we'd interact in that way and then tell me we can't speak about it.

I want to have a clear perspective about it. But I just felt hopeful. And I don't know what our relationship is at all anymore.

And I am having to teach my friends how to keep their hands to themselves after doing so myself destroyed everything I cared about. I managed to scare it out of them. But I don't really feel like I can trust anyone else, either. I have become paranoid. I have stopped eating and sleeping properly. I take walks compulsively. Up to 17 miles a day.

I keep repeating the memory of the affair. Over and over again. I wake up from dreams about it and have to go on a walk to keep from hurting myself. I had a dream that my exBP sang to me and I woke up singing back. I just cried for a long time.

And I keep thinking of something they said to me, "I thought I had you. But I am alone."

I jist want to keep walking forever. I just want to walk. I just want to walk right into their arms and hold them for a long time.

I don't understand what that week period meant. I really hope that I didn't hurt them, dammit. I was trying to be very deliberate about my actions around them.

My mom said "Im proud of you" today. And it all just feels so heavy. It feels too heavy to hold.

I feel so small. I'm tired. I want to cut the rot out of me. I want to walk until it bleeds out of me. I feel like everyone on the road will point at the cheater as it starves itself to death trying to become something it can never be. I do not feel like I am capable of loving anyone else but them.

I know how I did this. But I dont feel like I'll ever understand why. And I'm just so sad today. I hate how much I hurt them. I'm sorry.