Dday was 13.5 weeks ago. Was caught having an extremely graphic emotional/sexting affair and they saw my diary entries with heavy limerence/love confessions. I then came clean about a physical incident with a coworker 9 years prior.

For their birthday I went all out. Took them to an all expenses paid birthday trip and gifted them a few expensive gifts, and had a couple of nice dinners at fine restaurants. On our last night they said they loved me for the first time since dday. They also said “life is too short to hold grudges.”

In the early weeks they requested I take a travel contract so we could get some space. It started after the birthday trip. The day before they brought up the affair which was triggered by media. They got angry, took a nap, and when they woke up they didn’t mention it again.

Now that I’m gone, we’ve been talking/texting/facetiming as often as possible. They haven’t brought up the affair at all and neither have I. They have been complimenting me again, using pet names, and saying “I love you too” and blowing kisses.

I feel like we are on the right path, but… something doesn’t feel right. Are they rug sweeping? Should I bring it up or not? I am lost and confused.

I gave a coworker a BJ after they asked. On a bike trail. We had been flirting via text for less than a month on and off. I think it was the thrill of work place. AP put their hands down my pants on the trail but didn't pleasure me and I honestly didn't feel anything for AP ... physically or emotionally. I don't know why I went along with it. I'm asexual. I have never dreamed of cheating. I hated cheaters.

I told BP immediately. I have never lied to BP in all our years together. BP said they forgive me and didn't feel I cheated because AP and I didn't have intercourse, I didn't receive pleasure, and I did not swallow. BP said they knew it would not happen again because this is completely out of my character. We have been together since I was 16, so over 30 years now. BP is my everything and treats me like a queen. How could I do this?!

For context - not an excuse. I have unmanaged ADHD that has been absolutely terrible for 6 months now. Work is beyond stressful. I am going through perimenepause. I have disorganized attachment disorder. I was sexually abused very young and completely lack boundaries and do not advocate for myself. Bp has had sexual dysfunction for decades but that never really bothered me because I never wanted sex. Again, not an excuse. I'm just trying to see what I can fix.

Should I believe BP when they say they don't think of it as cheating? Should I move on like everything is okay? I am havinga hard time forgiving myself. How do I get God's forgiveness? Anyone in a similar situation?

To all the BPs out there,

At what point did you feel you could trust your partner again? Was it time and consistency? Or something specific?

If you don’t have children and aren’t married what was the major deciding factor in choosing to stay? Were you influenced by social judgement at all?

What was the reconciliation process like for you emotionally? Can you walk me through your internal monologue?

When could you fully say you’ve committed back to your partner and you feel good about it?

Thank you in advance for your answers. WPs feel free to chime in with your experience as well.

I think my BP and I are on a good path. We’ve been texting almost every day and seeing eachother at least once a week. Having sex again. Slowly being more open about emotions with each other. They have said they want to take things day by day and haven’t necessarily defined what we are doing as “R” but that’s what it feels like. They say we are friends and I agree that we are rebuilding a friendship but we definitely aren’t just friends. Also I should add that we are still married although we currently live separately.

Hi everyone,

I’ll start by saying that I had an affair last year, it happened multiple times and put my BP through absolute hell.
I hurt my BP incredibly deeply obviously and I have gone for IC and have understood my actions and the impact of them and starting to understand the root cause of why I did what I did. My BP somehow forgave me and wanted to reconcile, even after multiple times.
However, I think the progress I was making in IC in trying to understand myself and the reasons for my actions and how I hurt them and how it will be at all possible to prove to them that I feel genuine regret and remorse for my actions and love them deeply, was too slow. I think it took me a long time to come to terms with this.
And in the last couple of months, my BP joined Tinder and hid that from me, talked to multiple people, sent some explicit photos/videos, went on a coffee date. I found out about this I think on three separate occasions, afterwhich they said they were deeply sorry and stated that it was because they weren’t getting that kind of attention from me and that they felt admired and “wanted”, which wasn’t something that I was giving them at that time.
They then did stop, they’re really an amazing person with incredible self-discipline and empathy and so kind.
And then they told me a couple weeks back that they are talking to a person they met at work and thinks it might be a bit flirty and they know it seems harmless but they’re really just friends and someone to confide in.
They then later said that they know they have a crush on this person and that person has a partner too and they’ve both acknowledged that they know they shouldn’t be talking because they have crushes and both have partners.
Things have been going quite rough for us, not because of what they’ve been doing, but because of my own infidelity and us working through that, so they have said that they think they want a divorce, but they’re not sure yet.
Their reasons aren’t because of this other person, but because I’ve put them through too much, though I am trying to prove to them that I can be loyal to them and that I love them very much.

I kind of get this feeling like where I can’t be hurt/upset or say anything about them talking to other people because I did this first.
Especially because the affair I had was actually physical and ongoing and what they’ve done has just been talking/flirting and sending pictures/videos.

I love them and don’t want to get a divorce and feel incredibly sad and remorseful about my own actions.

Has anyone else been through this or something similar and can relate to the feeling of not being able to say anything without being a hypocrite?

A long one sorry!

I had an affair last year with a colleague. It started emotionally in March then became physical in May.
I fell in love with the AP and convinced myself that I wanted them more than my BP.
My BP found out about it around August, afterwhich they miraculously forgave me and wanted to reconcile.
Because of the feelings involved, I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to reconcile, which shocked my BP unsurprisingly.
I selfishly took some time to think about what I wanted and chose to return to my BP.
Then a month later, I let it happen again and the affair started again and I went to live with the AP for a few weeks.
After the few weeks, I then decided that I wanted my BP actually and decided to return home.
Then sure enough, a month or so later, I started it yet again as we kept seeing each other at work.
This time I felt a lot more like it was happening because of circumstances rather than me actually wanting it to happen if that makes sense? Not trying to avoid my own responsibility in this, but I was in a way really relieved when my BP found out about it again because I kind of felt stuck. Again, not trying to avoid responsibility because I initiated it and caused it to happen again.
I broke it off with my AP and months went by without it happening again.
And then in this past week, I stupidly did it again.
This time I was instantly regretful and kicked myself for putting myself in a situation where I let it happen again.
Understandably, my BP has said that this is enough, they need to end it for their own sake.
I’m not sure if others have experienced this, but I think it’s taken me a long time to process through it all and really internalize the impact of this and the hurt it’s caused and now that I finally have, now it’s too late.
I don’t understand myself and how I let it get like this.
I know I am what people call an “avoidant” which I’m working on. I have been meeting with a counselor for the past couple of months which have helped me no doubt get to a point where I understand the impact of my actions and worked through my emotions but then still did it again.
I really want to fight for my marriage but I’m scared that if I do, I’ll end up hurting my BP again and won’t be able to keep to my word.
I know I’m a horrible person and I feel like I want to fall off the face of the earth.
I don’t know what to do next, I’ve broken it off completely with my AP but the AP encouraged me to just let the divorce happen so that we could be together since the way I’ve acted in the past year “shows that I clearly don’t want my BP”.
I don’t have any contact with my AP anymore but I have this feeling that I can’t shake where I think no one else in this world other than my AP would be able to see past me doing this multiple times.

I don’t really know what I’m asking advice on, I think I just wanted to write this here where people might have been through something similar.

Hi all.
I posted here a little over a week ago, and I didn’t share the full story. I won’t delve into it fully, as things are still progressing. I am not excusing my actions and choices, and I am not undermining my BP’s experience.

But, the update.

I am in the early stages of therapy, and it is going well. Discussing fears of vulnerability, masking, validation seeking and abandonment issues, along with discussing my SA one week prior to meeting my spouse has been eye opening, and can explain why I have adopted behaviors that can lead to becoming a WP.

BP and I went on a date yesterday, and it was amazing. We shared a lot of laughs, watched a good movie, and had a good dinner. I even spent the night in our shared apartment, we played video games together, and I woke up to them having gotten my favorite tea without me asking. I wanted to cry of course.

Before leaving to go back to my mothers’ house, they wanted to hug more than once, which felt reassuring for both of us most likely.

We are keeping conversation minimal, but still sharing laughs and warm moments through text, and have another date next week. They want to have my home cooked meals again before they leave for the military.

With all that being said, I will push to be consistent in therapy, both for recovering from the affair, along with IC to heal as a person. They know this, and we discussed it briefly yesterday, and it seems they even understand my perspective a bit. We agreed to exchange letters while they are in basic, and their mother and I will keep in touch.

Regardless of where the healing independently takes us, I want to be better for future relationships, or become a better spouse for the one I do love. They are not open to reconciliation yet, and can’t be. I understand they are mentally preparing for the military, and don’t want to unpack our marriage a week before they ship out to basic training. They are still rigid on divorce in their words, but their actions contradict that. There is hope through healing, and healing takes time and effort. Consistency and hard work are key.

Good luck to everyone out there. 🩷

We invite our Betrayed members into this space to ask questions that Waywards may be able to provide insight on.

If you're here, the hope is that you're seeking perspective, understanding, or clarity whether to build empathy or to find some sense of closure when that opportunity wasn’t available to you.

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I think reading this book would instantly help a lot of Waywards understand the State of the betrayed partner in the aftermath of betrayal. Excellent cleat explanations of the vascillating states of attachment.

It will take supreme skill for a Betrayer/Wayward to learn to stay emotionally available in the face of triggers and disconnections.

Another great resource is Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom.

Go for it learning those skills! Every day and every action counts.

Note: I am 3 years post last DDay and on path for a good reconciliation.

I don't use Reddit much and this is probably the only time I am using it. I also took help from ChatGPT to organize my thoughts because my mind is all over the place.

DDay was about one and a half months ago.

I was in a healthy relationship with a good partner for the last 3.5 years. My BP was a healthy partner. I wasn't. I had some unhealthy patterns that I never really addressed.

I hurt my BP twice.

The first time was through emotional cheating. I'm not minimizing it by calling it "brief." I know it was cheating. But I told my BP myself rather than my BP finding out.

This time was worse.

In January, during a dark phase of my life, I got involved with a third person. I continued it. I couldn't break up with my BP either. I kept living in that contradiction and making worse choices. Eventually, my BP found out almost two months ago.

I am not in contact with the third person anymore.

There is one more thing that makes this harder for me to live with.

Last October, my BP found out that something similar had happened involving a family member. It affected my BP deeply. That pain was already there before DDay.

In therapy, my BP would sometimes question whether they would ever become like that person. Whether they could ever be capable of cheating and hurting someone that way.

The cruel irony is that it wasn't my BP.

It was me.

The person my BP was afraid of becoming turned out to be the person they loved.

Sometimes when I think about that, I understand why my BP calls me a monster. I understand why my BP may never want to see me again.

I took one of my BP's deepest fears and made it real in their own life.

Since DDay, my BP and I have been on and off talking terms. My BP blocked me on most places but left one or two ways open. Now I am blocked everywhere.

A week ago we met.

My BP wanted to meet one last time before closure.

My BP hugged me, kissed me, told me to love myself, and quietly moved ahead.

I think that was goodbye.

The pain and hurt I caused is real. I know that. I don't want to make my BP's pain about my guilt or shame. I know it is over and I want my BP to at least have their choices. I know this is their healing journey now, no matter how much I want to be there.

I am probably the most hated person in my BP's life and the last person they want to see.

But I also hate myself for what I did.

I have on and off suicidal thoughts. Not because I want sympathy and not because I think my pain compares to my BP's. Sometimes I feel like I should burn myself or peel my skin off because I cannot stand what I did. I know these thoughts are not healthy. I am in therapy and have been since DDay.

The hardest part is that my BP had asked me to take therapy long before this happened. My BP knew I was in a dark place. My BP tried to help me in every way possible, especially in a long-distance relationship. But instead of getting help, I wanted immediate answers, immediate relief, immediate validation, and I ended up doing this.

No justification.

No excuses.

I know many people will read this and think I am only sorry because I got caught. Maybe some of you are right. Maybe some of you are wrong. I don't know anymore.

What I do know is that I loved my BP.

And that's what I can't understand.

I loved my BP and I still did this. I don't know why the hell I did it. This question eats me up every waking moment. I haven't slept even a night for 5 hrs since they left my apartment.

I know people say if you loved someone, you wouldn't do this. Maybe that's true. Maybe I didn't know what love was. Maybe I am broken in ways I don't fully understand yet.

I don't want my BP to come back.

I don't want reconciliation because I know who my BP is. My BP is morally very strong and I want to respect those choices now, even if I failed to respect them before.

I miss my BP.

I miss the future we were supposed to have.

I miss the person who believed in me when I couldn't believe in myself.

I don't want to stay in this state forever. I don't want this to be the end of my story as a person. I have parents. I am an only child. I have responsibilities. I have to live. I have to grow. I just don't know how.

For WPs who genuinely did the work:

How did you move forward without minimizing what you did?

How did you stop hating yourself?

How did you figure out why you did it?

How do you live with the fact that you caused this much damage to someone you loved?

How do you know whether you're genuinely changing versus just feeling guilty?

I am not looking for validation. I am looking for honesty.

Thank you for reading.

My BP has said some truly hurtful things to me recently. Touching on all my insecurities, saying they never loved me how I was just a convenience and how they only wanted me for my appearance etc. how I am the most evil person they ever met and how I can never change and that deserve to suffer forever. They told me to kill myself yesterday, amongst other things and I’m just having a really hard time coping. I know I deserve to hear these things because I fucked everything up. But I have been struggling a lot and it’s still so hard to hear someone you love say these things to you. I completely understand it’s even harder to have someone you love betray you. Not trying to compare the two. Just asking for advice on how to cope and keep myself safe from myself and how I internalize these words.

Hi there. Wayward in my 30s here.
My spouse and I are fresh out of D-Day from an online, non physical affair. I wasn't in love with the AP it was purely a reckless pursuit of external validation. The fallout has been brutal.

Every time I see my BP in distress the shame is paralyzing. Seeing BP cry and feel humiliated makes me feel worthless. To make it worse, the AP is actively leaking screenshots of our old sext messages publicly. Just when we find a little momentum a new leak drops and resets the trauma back to zero.

My spouse is amazingly willing to stay and try to heal, but I am stuck. I can't seem to forgive myself even though I know logically that hating myself won't heal BP.

Between BP’s family and people online saying “you deserve better” is devastating. BP is endlessly searching for logistics and details about the messages. But due to genuine brain fog and the fact that these texts were just throwaways to me at the time, I can't give BP the accurate timelines that’s wanted. I feel like I am completely failing to be comforting

I am trying with everything I have to show up for BP, but tonight I'm just laying in bed, waiting for the next screenshot to drop setting off the next wave of pain.
I hope my marriage survives.

A couple of months ago, I made a post about struggling to reach out and contact my BP after separation and 2 months from D-Day. I’m excited to share that I have broken through that shame and have found the courage to reach out to them to check in and to get clarity on whether my contact was helpful to them.

Understandably, they could not give me a definitive answer, but was okay with me checking in. Since that conversation, I’ve been balancing their request for space with the occasional check in text.

Through my work in IC (shout-out IFS), I can feel the fog of shame lifting and feel more comfortable initiating contact with BP. I want to remind my BP of the love and care I still have for them and the relationship, as I’ve read hearing this from the WP can be healing for BP.

Given that I still want to respect my BP’s agency and request for space, I’d love to hear perspectives from BPs and WPs about whether this could be healing or seen as emotionally flooding.

Additionally, do you have any signs you/your WP was “breaking free” of the shame of the betrayal?

Dday almost 4 years ago. R for 1.5 years. Broken up and apart over 2 years. BP now has a baby with new partner. I have moved out of state and made huge moves in my career. But… I’m still not doing well. What is wrong with me?

I’ve stayed in IC and still see my psychiatrist and a relationship/life coach. But nothing is working. I’m still so sorry and sad about losing the best thing that ever happened to me. I am starting to really worry that there isn’t someone out there for me to have a family with or to share my life with. I swear I am trying to put myself out there but I can’t seem to get through this. I know the break up stemmed from my actions. And I take full responsibility for what I did. I know things are over between me and BP. But, if BP can move and be happy, shouldn’t I be able to do the same?

Any advice is welcome.

Pretty much just what the title says. It’s a really big milestone for us. It’s been 8 months since we separated.

My BP came over the other night last minute. We had a bit of flirtation over text that led them to ask to come over. We had sex and maybe this is tmi but we also did anal. It’s something we had done before but it was the first time we had ever done it since I’ve gotten sober. Afterward I asked if they were gonna stay the night and they said “should I?” And I said yes. It felt so good to sleep next to them again. We cuddled to sleep and in the morning we kissed and cuddled some more. They asked me “how are you feeling?” And I said good and I asked them back and they also said good. I made us some coffee and we talked a bit and I walked them to their car and they pulled me in for a kiss goodbye. All of it felt like a dream. I couldn’t believe it was happening and I’m just so grateful.

A trigger did come up while they were over though and I can’t stop overthinking it. I had a condom and some lube in my side table and they asked if I was seeing someone else. I am not and told them that. The side table is very old. I rarely open the drawer and I didn’t know that stuff was still in there. I looked at the dates and they expired years ago. They said as long as I’m telling the truth it’s fine. I just felt horrible and I know I told the truth but I know that they probably weren’t as fine as they said they were. I threw away all the stuff today but now I fear they will open the drawer again and wonder why it’s gone.

We’re supposed to hang out again tonight. We are obviously on good terms. I know that triggers are gonna come up and that it’s how I handle them that matters most. I’m just in a very vulnerable position and really don’t want to lose them again. We haven’t even defined what we’re doing yet.

Hello, so I had an affair several years ago and we got divorced. I went to therapy, cut the AP off.

My ex and I coparent very well. We communicate effectively are mostly respectful, put our kids first (and yes I know at one time I did not do that). It has been over five years, I am remarried and I have a child with my new partner. My kids from my prior marriage love their sibling.

I was open to my new partner about what I did, my partner said they continued a relationship with me bc I did not blame my ex for my actions.

I have apologized to my children and told my children what I did was wrong and no excuses and they should not see it as ok behavior.

My ex, while we coparent well and seem to mostly get on fine, often posts items that are triggering, and we have children who are on the social media accounts and linked to my exs page.

We got divorced and It’s been over five years. I apologized profusely, I begged for forgiveness. I did try to go back and reconcile but my ex had a new partner while we were goin through divorce , and while they stopped seeing each other so we could reconcile, they did not cease communication and I felt as if I was being punished for my actions. I felt that my partner now wanted to keep me and a new partner, and I couldn’t voice how I felt, so I left. We had already finalized the divorce , so I just decided to give up on reconciliation bc I felt this was my punishment and did not know how long my punishment would continue and my partner having a second partner that they would not cease communication with even while living with me again was tough.

So I guess my question is, how do I cope with seeing the hateful stabs at me. I have apologized, I have gone to therapy. I am trying to live a good life. I do not condone cheating or affairs and I am terribly remorseful I ever engaged in that activity.

Any support or advice would be appreciated.

I apologize now for the long post.

D-Day was a little over a week ago. BS found telegram messages to four different people on my phone, including clear evidence that I slept with one of them twice. I admitted it all, and we have been working toward separation. We are in our late 40s and have been together since we were 20, and we have two children (13 and 17).

Context of my infidelity: I have been secretive with porn our entire relationship, which has been a source of ongoing tension. I never thought it was more than fantasy, and despite explaining that to BS, it has always been an issue between us, though it softened over time.

During covid, I discovered reddit r4r forums and the fantasizing turned into chatting. This went on for 2 months, and I admit that had the opportunity presented itself, I would have taken it. However, a user called me out for cheating, and I had a lightbulb moment and stopped completely.

Four years later, BS found those old reddit messages on my account. It had been long enough that I had honestly forgotten, so while it was fresh hurt and betrayal for BS, I felt like it was in the past. Still, we worked through it and committed to each other.

Things were very good for over a year, and then the stress of college applications and auditions (performance based) began to create major tensions between our two different styles and approaches. I was frequently belittled and criticized; not an excuse, but important context for why I began to emotionally check out and feel resentment toward BS, who I think felt different kinds of resentment toward me. Intimacy practically ceased. In February I made the conscious choice to go back to the r4rs, and this time connected with four different other waywards over the next two months through chat. One of them did everything for me–wanted to meet quickly, arranged a hotel room, paid for it. I paid AP half in cash. It was like being in a tunnel going a hundred miles an hour. The other three chats did not result in physical meetings, though I engaged in video chat with one.

I feel incredible shame and guilt, constant suicidal ideation, self-loathing and self-hatred. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I know I caused irreparable damage and pain, and I am desperate to do everything I can from this moment forward to heal what can be healed.

BS agrees that our children’s longterm emotional health is most important, but has also admitted that BS wants them to hate me as much as BS hates me. I understand and accept that desire, but I desperately don't want it to happen.

Our plan is to do a legal separation so that BS can keep the current mortgage rate/payment, and thus the house to maintain stability for our 13 year old. We will not tell reveal the separation until mid July, after graduation, birthdays, final performances. We still plan on taking the prepaid family trip abroad to demonstrate that we can still be a family. After the trip we will fly our oldest out of state for college as a family, and then I will move out. We have plans for me to still help maintain the house in different ways, share driving and other responsibilities for youngest etc. I started therapy this week. I am totally committed to recovery and change.

But last night BS exploded on me. It was one of the first times that we had the house to ourselves. BS's hatred and loathing are overwhelming, and though I accept all of it, I am scared that BS will decide to blow these plans up. On DDay, BS sent videos of all the conversations I’d had, including explicit photos, to my mom, brother, and best friend. BS wanted them to know who I “really” am, a monster, said I have always been this person, that who I was in secret on those chats is who I really am. About my kids, BS said “When they ask why, I’m gonna tell them it was because you could get sex for fifty bucks and the cost of a box of condoms. And then they are gonna know what a sick fuck you are. Someone who throws their life away for that is not redeemable. They’ll always remember what their price was.”

I don’t know how to move forward. Any and all advice is welcome. Questions will be answered with radical honesty.

Hello all,

D-Day was over a year and half ago. I've been in a relationship with my BP since we were 20 and in college. Now soon to be 30, R seems to be an nearly impossible path to go down and we are considering conscious uncoupling.

There has been a number of things that have come up that we just can't seem to shake in order to reach a better place in our relationship. Things like BP coming out as bisexual, taking a "hall pass" shortly after D-day, lack of empathy on both sides, and us just simply changing as people. These aspects have made our R very difficult to come by and we have come to the conclusion that we need to be apart in order to work on ourselves and to even *consider* R in the future.

So to get to my question, has anyone gone through something like this after being with someone for almost a decade and having to cut ties with them? So much of our life is intertwined with each other. Credit cards, furniture, dogs, relationships with family members, Netflix subscriptions, etc.Thankfully no children or rings.

I don't know where to even begin this process while also having to find a new job and place to live along the way. I know I deserve the struggle as WP, but this is going to be one of the most heartbreaking things I do in my life, and I want to make sure it's done correctly and with the least amount of hurt on both ends. Any thoughts, advice, or wisdom is helpful.

This is my first post here. I'm not really sure if I'm writing because I need to get this out of my head or because I want advice. Maybe both.

I've been married to my amazing BP for a very long time. During our first year together, I did something awful. I cheated once with my ex.

I was young, I didn't think my relationship with the person who is now my spouse was going to last, and I can come up with all sorts of reasons and excuses, but at the end of the day I made that choice and I've regretted it ever since.

Over the years, my BP had suspicions. Strong suspicions. And I denied it. Every time. I always denied it.

Life moved on. We got married, had kids, bought a house, built a life together. And we were damn happy. I put that secret in a box and buried it as deep as I could. I fully expected to take it to my grave.

A few days ago, they found out. I didn't confess, the learning was through other circumstances.

Since then, everything has been a mess. My BP is devastated by the cheating, but also by the years of lying, telling me things like, "You took away my choice." Angry, humiliated, hurt.

They want every detail. One minute incredibly affectionate and doesn't want to let me out of sight, the next saying cruel things or rewriting our entire history and seeing red flags everywhere.

I just sit there and take it. Because i deserve it of course. For me it was more than 20 years ago. For my BP it was like yesterday. I answer the questions. I explain. I repeat myself over and over.

We're not doing well. I don't know what I can to do to help my BP heal, get better. I know I can't fix this , I'm the very reason for the pain, but I wish I could make it less somehow. And selfishly, I wish I could get rid of this horrible weight in my stomach.  I don't even know if I really want to reconcile. I feel so ashamed that I don't think I deserve it.

Some of you may of seen my other posts in here. If not and you need context, you can find them on my profile.

It has been 3 to 4 weeks since Dday. I have been drowning in self-hatred and guilt the entire time. The only conversations I have had with my partner is about the situation. I am so afraid to talk to them. I don't know when I will be brave enough. My partner is worried about how much space I have been taking.

We had planned to move in together a while ago. The lease is signed and I'm currently unpacking on my new apartment. I hate it. Being here reminds me of how little time I have to make a decision.

My partner wants me to decide by the 3rd of they can move in on the 6th. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that I will push them away more and that they'll become even more unhappy. They are so forgiving about the situation, but I think its a trauma response. They've seen signs of the infidelity fkr 6 months and said they had time to grieve and process. However, they told me after I confessed that the emotions are coming back.

I think they want to move in as a sense of stability, but they won't get that for as long as I'm scared. I don't want to be scared of the idea of my own partner. My parents say it might help for them to move in so we have physical closeness. I really don't know. I feel like my partner is trying to rug sweep, but I can't stop them.

Every time I express that I don't feel ready, my partner expresses how sad they are about it. In fact, the first time I said something, they said we should break up if I'm not ready. They took it back and said it was just panic, but I can't stop thinking about it. My therapist says it's accidental manipulation from their side. My partner also says that they want to be with me even if I'm spiraling and will try to be patient. They've already shown that they can't with saying we should break up.

Genuinely what do I do? I feel like I'll never be ready to talk to my partner again. I want to. I love them, but I'm so afraid.

Edit: we are currently ldr. Their reasons for moving in is so I don't feel isolated and the reason for me even having a fwb is gone. There is also a family vacation on the 12th they wanted to join us for. I don't know if that's a good idea.

More context: What am I afraid of? Losing them. Losing everything we built together. Taking too much space from them. Taking too long to heal and make a decision. Making things worse by rushing things. How positive (most of the time) they are. Them rushing things and not thinking first. Them not having patience and leaving. Me not knowing how to help myself and my relationship.