u/horrible_tomato_soup

Hello everyone. Dday happened on Dec 18th of last year, and we officially broke up on January 1st. BP nowadays is an ex, and we are friends, more like acquaintances nowadays. They pretty much closed the doors for a romantic relationship in the future

The thing is that I didn't disclose some details out of fear, and others because I really didn't remember them at the time. I wrote my disclosure letter quickly and filled with adrenaline, afraid that once I calmed down, I wouldn't be able to disclose anything at all and chicken out.

What happened was a two weeks long EA. In the disclosure I wrote, I detailed that there was this older coworker I had who was friendly with me, and after interacting with them I noticed that they were flirting with me, and I started flirting back to keep this person's attention on me. I explained that I had inappropriate jokes involving physical intimacy, considered going out with AP, and then when I realized that what I was doing was extremely wrong and it was indeed infidelity, I felt immense remorse and shame, immediately cutting ties with the AP and only talking to them again for clarification and me apologizing for leading them on.

I told BP by the end of the letter that if they had any questions, I'd try my best to answer with honesty. They didn't question or ask anything, which caught me a bit off guard, since I saw that the most common behavior for BPs were to want to ask many questions regarding the affair. Then, some weeks later, they officially broke up with me. We are on friendly terms nowadays, although we barely talk sometimes. All the times we spoke again about my affair, it was me who would bring it up.

I'd say I told them the "core". I made BP know that an EA took place, I got the timelines as accurate as I could, told some details, said that there was "intimacy", but I didn't specify for example that I'd call the AP "dear" or "sweetie", that there was physical touch in terms of them touching my waist to get past me on our workplace and I never told them to stop doing that, that one of the places they would invite me to was their house, and I was positively considering it... There are many details like that if I stop to think about it.

There was also another context in my behavior that I was just able to identify now. I told BP that the reason I did it simply was impulsiveness, recklessness, immaturity, feeling empty within myself, and the excitement of that environment to me, being 18 years old at my first real job. But now I realize that another huge factor was that I was resentful of my ex-BP, because they broke up with me almost two months ago, saying hurtful things before departing. Then, they came back feeling remorseful, saying that they did a big mistake and wished to be together again. I took them back instantly and things were "back to normal", but I always had this anxiety and fear that I would get abandoned again. And so, looking back now, I can conclude that even subconsciously, I saw AP as a "backup plan" in case that BP would abandon me again. I don't know if I would actually express these feelings and thoughts to ex-BP, because it feels like I would be blaming them, and although yes, I should have voiced my hurt originally to them and how I was extremely insecure and afraid that they would leave me again, one thing obviously didn't led to another. I just don't want my ex to feel like I would be putting blame on them one bit.

I keep struggling over the idea that I kept information from them again to save face, and if it would serve them anything to tell more things now. But we aren't dating anymore. I kept rationalizing "Well, they didn't ask", but if it's something that I saw as big deal, shouldn't I tell them either way?

I wish I never did any of these things, anything at all. But I did, and that's my past. I feel dirty now for being someone who lied so much to save themselves from responsibility. And I still feel dirty that I'm keeping these things that feel impactful away from them. That awful feeling that I felt when I was actively hiding my affair sometimes creep up back to me, that one were I feel that I'm taking away their choice. That if they knew these other details, they wouldn't forgive me, they wouldn't wish to me in my life anymore and try to be friendly towards me, that they wouldn't be able to forgive me again and see me as someone cunning, malicious.

In the meantime, while I don't know what to do, I'll consider confessing to a priest and try doing a full disclosure as best as my memory allows in my journal. Peace to you all, thanks for reading.

I am extremely afraid of how the next months are going to look like. Starting by this month, which was when my ex broke up with me for the first time, and then they came back regretful of their decision by the end of July. From August to mid October things were.. Alright. Although I was extremely insecure and anxious throughout this whole period, deathly afraid that my then partner would abandon me again. It feels very bad to type out these things, knowing what I would be about to do later on.

My EA started by the end of October of last year, and then I cut contact with the AP by the first week of November, and Dday was on December 18th. BP then requested no contact to process everything. When we got into contact again, me and Ex-BP formally broke up on January 1st.

I'm starting to feel dread now that these months are approaching again, October and specially December to January.. In which I attempted to take my own life out of guilt thrice, did many other regretful and self destructive things in February, and finally, in March things stabilized a little bit.

In November, I had to take an annual national college entrance exam. The test was organized on two parts; one week apart from eachother. I don't remember how I felt on the first test day, but on the second day, which was in November 11th, the whole time I was just thinking about the gravity of what I did, and what I was supposed to do going forwards. That day was so horrible that even taking a practice exam some months ago of the same test that day, triggered in me the same reaction as if that day was happening again, that I was hiding something from my Ex-BP. I have no idea how I'll be able to repeat that same scenario, since I'll retake the test in November again this year.

November was the worst month of my life. I spent all the subsequent days extremely dissociated, and I think that it was the worst moment I have ever gone through, because that's when I realized that I was a cheater. And that either way, hiding or not, I had hurt the one person that I was supposed to protect and always be honest. That I had betrayed them. For selfish reasons, unresolved hurt, so many other options I could have taken instead of engaging in one of the worst things you could do to somebody you say you love, God.

About my ex-BP themselves, I also feel anxiety over how they are going to feel. I read some BPs say that anniversaries of Ddays were very triggering, so I don't know how they're going to be mentally. In their perspective, this all was all extremely traumatic too for them of course. From them starting to get suspicious of me in November, then disclosure happened in December, some weeks short of my birthday... NC was requested, and it was just broken because my friend sent BP a message, desperate for them to reason with me because I was extremely sure I would do it. That maybe they would snap me out of it. My ex-bp never deserved all of this to happen to them. Earlier that day, my therapist told my parents about it, and so they were taking care of me and ensuring I wouldn't do anything.

I don't know if I check in on ex-BP, ask them how they're feeling about how these months are going to be like.. Or maybe just leave them alone, or try treating them normally during these periods. I really do not know what would be the best option, I just don't want to take a path that's less destructive now.

How are you guys coping with feelings of anxiety and doom towards Ddays and the alike? for WPs, I'm not asking just about Ddays but also when you were actively in the affair and hiding things from your partner.

... Amongst other things, like full blown PTSD and other mental health issues, extending far beyond just losing trust in the Wayward.

I think that has been for sure, the worst and most terrible part when I think back about my betrayal.

It has been the scariest thing to think about for me, how utterly destroyed someone can be due to the sort of thing I did.

I did see some actual stories of betrayed partners who commit suicide out of the pain they feel. I don't know what I'd do if my ex-bp actually attempted because of my horrible choices.

I've heard that it wouldn't be my fault, but would it really not be? They struggle with depression. I understand I didn't cause the depression in the first place, but it wouldn't change the fact that if they were suicidal, my infidelity could very well be the brick to break an already fragile structure. No reason for that.

BP refuses to do therapy and research about betrayal trauma. They did tell me that they do think about what I did from time to time, the injustice of it all, but thinking too much about it would only "fuck them up". From what I learned about rug-sweeping, I am not sure if the way they're dealing with this is healthy or not, but it's the way that is working for them, I think. I still bring up therapy from time to time.

I check in on my ex-bp daily, and recently they invited me to watch them play d&d with their friends. I guess that I could take this as a sign that they're atleast stable and not isolating themselves which is very good, but still. I am constantly plagued with thoughts about what I could have done to their psyche.

Most of my anxiety and worry come from us being in LDR contact. We always have been, since we're one state apart from eachother, and so it wouldn't be as simple for me to talk to them face to them and and ask BP how they're doing.

And what worsens my anxiety is the fact that I don't have friends in common with BP. So I don't really have someone to check up on my Ex for me.

Sorry if this post might be a bit of a word salad, my mind isn't very clear today.

It has been almost half a year since Dday. Ex-BP and I are amicable. I don't quite know what the progress of six months out is supposed to look like, but I'd say that not much changed. Time passed by very slowly and very quickly at the same time. It still feels that the EA alongside DDay, all happened less than a month ago.

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I hit a wall in my journey, in the sense that I heard many helpful and kind things, like: "You're not your worst choices", "You can be better, honoring the pain you caused", "this doesn't need to define who you are." and so on. But they haven't really changed how I feel.

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This may be incredibly dramatic, but I started to question if I deserve to have good moments in my life, to feel happiness anymore, because of what I did. Maybe it's because I don't know how much punishment is necessary to atone for what I did, but I do feel anxious and guilty when eating food I enjoy, laughing over funny videos or when I'm warm in my bed, or thinking about occupying a nice job position, because I may no longer deserve these things anymore. Like my happiness and comfort is dishonoring the pain and trauma I caused to my ex-BP.

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I'm not saying that these things are objective truths, because even before I did these horrible things, I did already believe that people can be redeemed and live with integrity going forwards. But now, being in the position of someone who did morally bankrupt choices, I do feel very conflicted about the topics of punishment, redemption and then being allowed to move forward.

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Also, I do attend therapy yes, but my therapist themself suggested that I may need to seek other types of therapy outside of CBT which is the method they are working with, because they feel like we hit a wall and progress isn't being made anymore.

Hey! So, I unfortunately relapsed yesterday and I cut deeper than I was used to in a long time, it was scary. It seems like I made cuts that reached the dermis, not that long in length, one is less than an inch and the other is maybe 1 inch.

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My concern is that the skin is separated, like it formed little craters. Will it be fine? I don't want to get infections or anything but I also don't want to go to see a doctor, what do I do to raise the chances of these healing well?

It's going to be seven months since I then confessed I had an EA with a coworker and they decided to break up because of it.

Things have been as okay as they can be, I started to be more open to the idea of me forgiving myself for what happened, I was an awfully immature, selfish and cowardly person, not thinking about anyone else but myself.

I have been extremely worried about how my ex-BP feels and is handling all of this. The more I think, the more nervous I get. My ex has chronic depression and their dad is in the hospital for some years now, alongside with dealing with family and financial problems.

I was aware of all of this during my EA, but I didn't care, mainly because I didn't think that I was going too far or crossing lines, and so at the time I was planning on simply not telling them. This mentality changed when I realized that I did cross the line, that I was being absolutely awful, and I then I confessed after hiding it for a month. They then decided to broke up.

I've had a lot of anxiety about thoughts related to them possibly ending their own life, considering ex-BP's depression, and about the health of their dad worsening and therefore it having an impact on their mental health.

I do not know what to do with the anxiety over how much my actions possibly hurt them, changed them, are going to make their life harder, alongside making future pain and difficulties for them hit harder because of what I did.

I feel responsible to their emotional state because of what I did, it getting to the point of me trying to check up on them asking how they are doing. They may be getting weirded out by this since we're exes now, but I can't help it.

I can't cope with the fact that I added such trauma to another individual I was supposed to protect due to lack of care, lack of morals, selfishness, and honestly, petty cruelty to not consider that what I was doing was not just wrong and could bother my ex if they found out, but my actions could then trigger feelings of humiliation, feelings that they're not good enough for anybody, that I'd rip away their sense of safety not just in me specifically, but likely in other human connections too, that they would feel betrayed and traumatized, that this can linger for the rest of their life. Only after the betrayal was already done that I started researching over the impacts of what I did. I do think about them everyday now since it happened, but is there even use to it now?

I feel horrible. Rightfully so maybe, but I started spending my free time panicking over how they're doing, of what will happen once more tragedies hit them, knowing very well that I contributed to a great amount of pain, and that'll always be part of our story. I really wish I could go back and change it all. All I had to do was not reply back to that coworker, not flirt back with them. It would have been so easy to avoid it.

Hello, everyone. So, I realized basically that I'm a very bad friend and was an extremely terrible partner in my past relationship. I'll list my bad actions both in my relationship and friendship, cuz many of these showed up in both:

-Lying to make my actions look like they were more impressive than in reality, lying in general to avoid being seen as bad

-Wanting to use my trusted contacts as therapists, but I rarely can be a safe place for them to vent too

-I want people to care about my interests and hobbies, but I can't care about theirs; I have a hard time feeling genuine interest because I feel like it's "too much work"

-When I meet someone, it all starts very exciting, when they give me a "dopamine boost". However, after some time where we both are used to each other's presence, I lose interest and I don't see much purpose to talk to them anymore since it doesn't hit the same.

I see none of these things as justifiable. That's just me not being a trustful and generally a good addition in someone's life. But when I try to think why that happens, even when I feel so lonely and really want people to be my friends, I think about: possibly low social battery, and I really really am a slave to actions that make my brain feel stimulated, like playing games and watching YouTube shorts. I actively am chasing the high short term high, rather than highs by consistency. If something doesn't scratch my brain in the right place, even when I know it's something important, I don't see it as something worth chasing. (I'm getting tested for adhd, but my therapist and I are still considering other mental conditions.)

I really hate hurting the few connections I have in life because of it

I'd appreciate videos, articles and books talking about the subject please