I feel like I don’t deserve my BP still being here with me.
Hi, new here. Ddday was 20 weeks ago. I won’t go into the details, but I begged my BP to not leave on dday, and they stayed. What followed was trickle truth, heavy drinking, crying, shouting, self inflicted harm on my part and more painful disclosures about my past.
I found 2 therapists and worked through some things. I had to stop due to finances. I continue to listen to audiobooks and podcasts and started reading a couple of books as well. My BP does not want IC.
I think it took 9 weeks for the initial shock to wear down and for our first somewhat normal day. I marked this in my calendar. At 13 weeks we went on vacation.
Our conversation surrounding my cheating went from being every day to every now and then.
Sometimes they reply “I love you too.” Last night they replied with look in my eyes, a smile, and a “I love you too. Don’t you forget it.” Before they drifted off to sleep. My eyes sting just remembering because I truly don’t feel like I deserve this wonderful person. I have so much guilt for taking the light out of their eyes and life. I hate myself for what I did, I wish nothing more to take my actions back.
Regardless, I love my BP with all my soul (if I even have one) and I would rather die than betray them again. Nowadays, I try to cook for them as much as I can. I never cooked before and so I kinda suck lol, but I still try and think I’m getting better. And I’ve found I love cooking for them.
I am nicer to them. I have a terrible short temper and have been working on controlling it, and apologizing quickly and sincerely when I hurt them/offend them/etc. I also have worked on my blame shifting and can proudly say I’ve stopped 99% of the time. That one percent quickly gets called out by my BP and I quickly acknowledge they’re right about the behavior and apologize.
I’m still working on getting our home in order, keeping it clean and making it a safe and comfortable space for them. I try and go above and beyond. We recently started a new hobby together that gets us outside. We are working on quitting drinking, and getting healthier.
And, I want to end by saying we have had honest conversations about “us”. They told me we are “married but separated”. They are willing to give this reconciliation a shot, but they have to decide if they are okay with staying if they can’t trust me like before. They said they still think about separation sometimes.
But they are my best friend and I truly do not want to imagine life without them. Truthfully, I became suicidal right after dday when I though they were going to leave. Yes, I know I am toxic, but I don’t want to be and want to be a good person.
I go on here and read posts of WPs who have lost their BPs and my heart breaks for them. Yes, we caused this, but I feel a lot of us who are regretful and remorseful have mental health problems and trauma that made us act out. It’s not an excuse, we are broken people with deep character flaws. I know I am.
Don’t know what I am looking for with this post. Just wanted to share my story a little and appreciation for my spouse.
I’m about to go out and get us some food they requested and have a hopefully good Friday evening. Cheers.