Bettayed spouse is verbally abusive, believes i am suppressing their emotions when I stand up for myself
WS of 5 months here. My BS has exhibited this behavior for years before infidelity, it has now ramped up substantially. It is creating a chasm of resentment I feel I am not allowed to do anything about. When triggered, my BS will rage. I have read books that I am to sit with the pain, but it will quickly turn from pain to complete verbal and emotional abuse. They will call me diseased, they will refer to the house we just bought as their house and not our house, they will tell me I am a horrible person. i am on eggshekls regarding any and every trigger that might result in a week long miserable attitude or lashing out. When it happens > ask them to consider healthier ways of conveying their emotions they are simultaneously enraged and will withdraw. They will bring in counselor speak like I am silencing them or putting a boot on their neck. I just would prefer healthy communication. We are making the decision to attempt reconciliation, and isn't a foundational part of that not treating each other like shit? I understand they have pain, but I feel like BS wants to go beyond expressing it and intends to punish me for it. It's as if they're not satisfied unless I am completely destroyed as perhaps they feel. Ehen I bring this up and ask what they need for me in these moments they don't know. When I ask if they want to punish me they feel I am stifling their ability to express their emotions. how does that make sense? They are in therapy but I feel like they are not transparent for how this manifests if their therapist is just rah rah you go get'em/ agree with them that verbal abuse is acceptable. I understand I was wrong, confessed the day after and am doing everything in terms of therapy, meetings, and showing I am not that person. Where is the line? What is fair before it just feels like at any moment I am not allowed to be happy ever again? I feel like my actions are essentially validating a behavior that has existed for years and their therapists expect me to just be okay with verbal and emotional abuse as if that is a healthy way of dealing with these complex feelings.