Former Wayward struggling to move forward after the relationship ended
Hi everyone,
This is my first post here and I'm a bit nervous. I've been reading through this community for a while and decided to share my story because I'm hoping to learn from people who have been through something similar.
We had been together for over three years and we were extremely close, interacted with each other almost 24x7, often on video calls. It was long distance so our interaction was mostly through texts and calls and they used to meet me while visiting their hometown which is near to mine.
Last year I cheated on my partner, when they were on a trip with their friends. We used to spend a lot of time in Telegram groups. That's where I met two people, and what started as normal conversations with them eventually turned into sexting after a few days. I was extremely guilty after that and for months contemplated how to tell my partner about it.
Then one day I confessed to them myself and they were devastated for months. They wanted to know all the details about when I started how long was it, what all did I sent. Honestly I was so ashamed at that time and initially minimized parts of the truth because I thought it might hurt them less. So I tried telling them truth while making it less intense, but when they said to not lie to them anymore I had to tell them everything unfiltered. Looking back I realized that not telling them the full truth in one go only damaged their trust further.
They gave me one chance and tried to continue the relationship for sometime but understandably the trust was damaged. Eventually they told me they still had recurring dreams about what happened and that they couldn't look at me the same way anymore. We broke up.
I initially hoped that reconciliation was possible and that if there was any way to make them feel safe and happy again in the relationship I would have done it. Eventually I accepted that the relationship was really over.
The breakup affected me more deeply than I expected. The guilt and shame became overwhelming, and at one point I attempted suicide. I'm safe now and working on my mental health, but it made me realize I couldn't just keep punishing myself forever. I needed to understand my behavior and genuinely change.
Since then, I've spent a lot of time trying to understand how I became someone capable of hurting a person I genuinely loved. I've realized I had unhealthy patterns around validation-seeking, weak boundaries, and people-pleasing. Understanding those patterns doesn't excuse my actions, but I'm trying to make sure I never repeat them.
One thing I struggle with is seeing comments online saying things like "once a cheater, always a cheater." I completely understand why many betrayed partners feel that way, and I don't expect forgiveness from my ex. I also know they had every right to leave the relationship.
I'm not looking for reassurance that what I did wasn't wrong, and I'm not asking whether my ex should have stayed. I accept that the relationship ended because of my actions. I'm trying to understand what genuine change looks like from people who have been through it.
What I'm struggling with and that I want to ask those who are further along in their journey, especially wayward partners:
What does genuine accountability look like for you?
How did you know you were actually changing instead of just feeling guilty?
If reconciliation was not possible, how did you learn to move forward without pretending that the past never happened?
Is it possible to become a trustworthy person again, even if the relationship you damaged is over now?
For those who have disclosed their past infidelity to future partners, how did those conversations go? Were you able to build healthy relationships again?