u/Fun-Cheesecake4644

I was exposed to porn super young, like when I was 9 or 10, and started watching and masturbating all the time as a kid. Did it all in my teenage years, and still as a young adult and then getting married. I was raised super mormon and had to confess this all the time to my bishop and mom, and it made me fucking hate myself, but start to compulsively turn to more and more extreme porn to deal with the shame.

I have masturbated at work. I have lied to my wife our whole marriage about how much porn I use and when, I fantasized about other women and wanting more novelty our entire marriage, and when I tried to force those thoughts away, they just got bigger and bigger until I thought about them all the time. I love her so much, and she's an incredible woman, but I have kept lying and hiding things our whole marriage. Our sex life was ok, but she has lots of anxiety, trauma from family members, and was also raised mormon, so she's never really learned how to want sex. We'd still do it 2-3 times a week, but I was almost always begging to eat her out, asking her to use a vibrator so I could watch, begging her to let me eat her out some more (I love it) and she would say no 80% of the time. I don't blame her for this at all, and all my choices are my fault, but it left me wanting and craving more. She and I are each-other's first sexual partners, so I couldn't stop thinking about what else I was missing out on in other girls.

I ended up going on Omegle-clone websites and spending hours and hours trying to find girls to flash me or sext with me. I was successful a few times across weeks of trying in hours-long-sessions when my wife wasn't home. I masturbated with a few girls and felt this massive, rushing thrill, followed by the most crushing and soul-killing guilt I've ever felt. I knew this was going too far and was going to ruin my marriage, but I kept doing it. When I finally confessed to my wife, I had already told her the day before that I was considering ending our marriage, but for reasons like "I'm not sure how compatible we are, idk if we should have gotten married in the first place, think of how much of the world and other people we haven't experienced." When I confessed the cheating/Omegle sexting on top of that the next day, she was horrified and distraught and called off our marriage, and I knew it was over.

It has destroyed my marriage, and I'm realizing that the root of a lot of my doubts about our marriage and my internal shame come from these hidden, uncontrollable sexual feelings. When my wife would leave town, I would stay in bed in 10 hour binge sessions, for days on end. And if I wasn't watching porn or trying to sext strangers, I was staring at my phone or playing video games for 12 hours straight. On the outside, I look like I live a normal life: I'm in school, I have and keep a normal job, I have friends and family who I hang out with, but then I do this deviant shit that I hide from EVERYONE, especially my wife. Am I addicted?? Should I seek help for this?? I'm almost certain I am, and I think this is the wake up call in my life.

I was such a fucking fool and thought I wanted “more” and wasn’t satisfied and ended up sexting 4 random anonymous ladies online. I’ve already had doubts about our relationship before (we were raised Mormon and got married while still believing, my BP deconstructed before me and it made me seriously question our relationship but thank god I eventually decided to leave the church as well). Two nights ago I owned up to the sexting (which i had hid for 4 months) and confessed

I know I’m reaping what I sowed but oh my god this pain is unimaginable. And I’m the one who created and chose it. im going to miss their smile, laugh, their beautiful eyes and the way they’d hold me, the way our bodies dit together perfectly when we cuddled like no one else ever has, the forgiveness and love we had for each other. god I already miss those things. I miss their beautiful long curly hair, the way they’d jump into my arms when I came home from work, the way that they were so genuinely grateful over even the smallest gifts or surprises. There’s no one on earth who is happier to receive a gift/package than my BP.

God fucking damn it why didnt i give them more gifts? More love? More patience? Of course the grass looks greener on the other side. I fucking despise myself for what I’ve done.

We’ve only done about 4 sessions so far but I’ve really liked this therapist and their approach. In our last session, they explicitly told me to reach out over text if I’m in a crisis and want help. Well, today I’m having an intense emotional fallout with my wife (because of my mistakes that I own up to) that will probably mean our sudden divorce. I’ve spent a lot of today at work sobbing on the floor quietly.

When I texted them about all of this, their responses were grammatically perfect and super robotic AI “it’s not X- it’s Y. And honestly? That takes a lot of strength.”

My response:
“Hey [therapist], I appreciate you taking the time to respond but I'm almost certain that these responses are AI generated, or at least AI edited? Let me know if I'm wrong. To be honest I would rather you just set a boundary against texts outside of sessions, or say that you don't have the time or mental bandwidth to answer right now but will later, or just a "let's chat about this in our next session" rather than an AI response.”

Their response to my text:
“I reached as myself, and you received it as fake. I'm sorry you think my responses are less authentic because I run them through something that helps me keep my license as well as keep professional boundaries. So I guess, don't text me outside of session if you don't like what I have to say. I'll see you next week.”

This feels incredibly passive aggressive and immature tbh. I never called them less authentic (although yes I do feel that way). All I asked was hey, is this ai? And if so, I’d rather you didn’t use that. And their response feels very defensive and dismissive. Wtf I’m already sobbing about my life imploding and my fucking therapist throws a hissy fit because I don’t want them using AI to text me? I literally said I’m ok with them setting a boundary that we don’t text. All they had to say was “yes I used ai, I’ll probably keep using it so let’s just not text outside of sessions.” Problem solved!