How do I actually reconcile and not loath in self hatred?
My BP and I have been working through the betrayal I have caused. It’s been almost a year since D-day. I admitted it to BP hours following. I’m not going to share the story on this post but maybe in the future if people would really like to know. Long story short, it was a one time fling on a work trip. It was a very very poor decision and horrible reflection of how I truly feel about my partner and I truly messed up. I almost believe I was manic during this time. But I’m working on that with therapist and I’m not here to speculate. The day after it happened the world lost all of its color I knew how deeply I had fucked up. However, now almost a year later, It almost seems like BP is almost moved on from this situation. I know the pain is definitely still there and may never go away and I really hope my BP heals. But I’m just feeling like everyday I wake up hating myself just as much as I did the day before. And I’m not moving forward? I am currently in therapy and I have expressed a bit of this to my therapist. But I genuinely was wanting input from someone who has been through similar or maybe even a perspective from a BP. I feel like I’m failing us again. I was supposed to not give up and now I just can’t even find anything worth about myself. It’s a bit rough with our kiddo now in the picture but I don’t know. I feel like everything is going to be better without me. Anyone have any words of advice or anything. The guilt and shame I feel. Is getting to the point where I’m unsure how to handle the negativity I feel towards myself. I’ve never ever done this to anyone before. This was my first real relationship. One time. And I ruined the near perfect relationship we had. It was so amazing I wish I could express. We were getting more open with each other and exploring things and I really went and threw it away on my own. And now It will truly never be the same, understandably so. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond if you do.