u/CognitiveSteve

I dissociate constantly. Derealization is perpetual. It gets worse with stress or emotional triggers, sometimes to the point of amnesia. I don't know how common amnesia symptoms are for me but I know that its generally difficult for me to access memories. This can intensify with the degree of stress surrounding the memory.

There is a specific mechanism that occurs in response and is hard to identify and is complicated. It's like a kind of denial that is to some degree deliberate. A distressing memory came up recently. I worried myself sick trying to recover it, while at the same time, another part of myself tried to actively obscure the facts so I wouldnt be able to take accountability. What it felt like was the memory came up, I actively denied it, and then lied about it in order to protect myself. I then believed this lie and couldnt distinguish reality. I was uncertain, but was hiding behind this uncertainty. I remember accusing myself of know but couldnt sit with the memories long enough to admit them to myself. And then when evidence would come up to support these memories, I feigned ignorance to myself, and then become convinced of my own ignorance. It was like I set up a trap and then walked into it in order to avoid responsibility.

I don't know if that makes sense. It's really distressing and confusing and I'm trying to make sense of it. It feels like a lie to say I'm not lying but it doesn't feel like the truth to say I know for certain. I think i exploited my own uncertainty to hide behind it. But this doesn't even make sense. How can I do something deliberately without being aware of it?

There is a physical sensation of switching, wherein I experience a different mode or sense of self with defining characteristics. Each distinct self have personal moods, affects, varying degrees of dissociative experience, mannerisms, aesthetics, and morals.

There are multiple of these identities. I've mapped them out in a journal to try to make sense of them phenomenologically. It seems that there is a core sense of self, the one who feels most like "me". This version is activated around specific friends and family members. Sometimes when I am alone this is the identity I assume. Another thing that triggers this is when I am able to talk about my condition in a meta way. Usually there is concern, distress, and desperation present when I am talking about this condition. Like, "dude what the hell is this, this is not normal. I've been asleep for weeks can you please tell me whats going on." It is my most truthful and honest self.

Then there is a more narcissistic self. This is where shame adapts into a malignant strategy. Lying, deception, disrespect of boundaries, narcissism, vanity, lack of empathy, cheating behaviors, manipulation are all localized here. There is also a deep sense of shame and relief of shame through pleasure and deceit. I would act in these ways as a child. I began lying at a young age. I disrespected boundaries. But there was still a feeling of guilt and shame upon realizing what I did was wrong. And instead of taking accountability, I would lie or deceive in order to appease the feelings. I just became aware of this one recently. Previously it had been suppressed, but it reared its ugly head and im having to deal with the consequences.

I have access to different levels of knowledge at different times. Regarding this particular memory, I keep going back and forth in my story. The details feel excruciatingly hard to piece together. Or hard to sit with emotionally before they dissappear.

There are four or so social selves. Their utility is usually the role of an ideal self. There is the Psychologist, the Philosopher, the Jester, and the Cowboy. They are usually discrete, marked by specific identity markers. The clothes I wear, dialect, gait, personality traits, etc. usually trigger and are triggered by these identities. Different colors and styles of clothing trigger a self consciousness that primes me to behave like said identity. I cannot act differently until triggered otherwise. Resistance to these personality states through trying to alter behavior is ineffective and usually leads to odd or very self conscious behavior. So its not a conscious choice to make these switches. Ive noticed that its only in reaction to certain markers that trigger an identification response. Pictures, symbols, words, and environment can also trigger them.

I am also very prone to self deception. When I was younger, I faked mental and physical symptoms for attention. Those got muddled with real symptoms. The dissociation, identity confusion, emotional dysregulation, however have all been consistent. So im very skeptical of these diagnoses given my facticious and deceptive past. To what extent have I fooled myself into living another lie? But at that point I have to ask myself, that if I truly induced this experience myself, does that make it any less real?

Then there's the reality breaking feelings. Dread, doom, fear of death, cosmic feelings of isolation, loneliness, despair. Sometimes i will have visions of primordial beings whom i identify with. Some of the feelings are localized in such visions. When I am alone there is also a strange response. Feelings of solipsism, extreme derealization, the cognition that I'm living in some kind of false reality or dream. There's a cosmic sense of terror and horror. It feels like one day I will enter some kind of dream that I will never wake up from, and im always teetering on the edge of that cliff of consciousness. I feel like my soul is weaving in and out of some kind of abyss or liminal space. That has been what I have called another part of my psyche. The Abyss.

Maybe its because through others I am able to identify myself, whereas alone I implode into inner darkness?

And my memories. I dont know to explain then, or the mechanisms surrounding them. I feel delusional. I feel like im making up some kind of story just to escape my reality. How do i explain the loss of memories and the contradictory interpretation of them? How do I recover said memories? How can I explain the process of denial that happened about them?

I feel unintelligible, nearly psychotic. There are points where I nearly convince myself that none of this is real and that I dont exist.

The nightmares are every night. The feeling of inescapable dread, violation, abandonment, shame, fear of death, fear of nonexistence are all there. And now that ive been talking about all of this, I'm starting to fall into that strange state of being trapped in liminal space.

I'm stuck in a dream I know I'm soon to wake up from. This isn't real. The nightmare will be over and I'll meet my lover again on the other side of this fake reality. The incident at the start of our relationship didn't happen. It couldn't have. I wasn't there. That wasn't me.

I know we'll meet again. I'll find them in bed with me and it'll all be okay.

And when we get up we'll make breakfast together the way we always do, and we'll talk about how we're feeling and what kind of day we're preparing for. And we'll sit on the couch and eat our breakfast. They have french style scrambled eggs with turmeric, black pepper, and spinach on one half of an English muffin (Don't forget the swiss cheese goes under the eggs and gochujang goes on top). And on the other half they have butter, maple syrup, and cinnamon. Then we half an avocado to share. In a green ceramic cup, they have dark roast coffee with stevia, cinnamon, and a splash of pecan milk. They always shake up the milk before they pour it because they love the texture.

We'll ask each other what we want to watch even though it's always Adventure Time. We've made it all the way to season 8, and we're gonna finish the show together like we were supposed to.

And usually, we watch an episode, and get almost to the end of the next one. But when they're done eating, its always time for a walk. So we pause our show, and I meet them downstairs while they get ready. Then we'll walk through town and I'll listen to them about the experience they're having. We'll talk about plans and what we're grateful for. I am grateful for them.

Its time for me to go to work. And while im there, I'll go down some rabbit hole in my free time and bring what I learned to them to share. And they'll listen to my silly ramblings and we'll laugh about it together. I'll tell them about how much I appreciate their presence in my life and they'll say that they feel the same. And we'll text each other throughout the day until I am off.

When we see each other again, they tell me they love me. And i say it back. And the words I love you aren't just a prescription of our expected relationship. It is the binding of our souls together and complete recognition of our experiences in each other. It is to behold our entire world and say, "you exist, and i am here with you, and i will never look away."

Tonight we'll sing and we'll dance together, we'll make dinner and we'll watch the rest of our silly episode and talk about life when we're on another walk together. We'll sit at the pond while the geese guide their young across the water and watch the sunset together. They have a headache and their legs are sore. When we get back, I'll make us some tea and they'll take some ibuprofen. And we'll talk about all the difficult emotions that have shown up in our day.

And when everything is quiet tonight, we will just stare at each other for a long time. And we'll believe in the dream we're building together like we are supposed to.

But today I woke up and you were not here. The nightmare is real. And no matter how painful the reality is it is not fair to either of us for me to deny it.

I would do anything for you. Even if that means letting you go. I love you to the moon and back. I see you clearly with my eyes and whole heart.

You're not feeling very well today, and I hear that. Your pain is real and you are so strong. You never deserved to be hurt like this. And I am so sorry that I am the one who did. I know that things don't make sense anymore. I see your sorrow and devastation. I see the desperation and confusion. I see the anger and loss of reality. I see you.

I will continue to be here for you within any boundaries that you set. I will keep showing up for you in the way that you deserve. I will show up. I will be there. For every appointment, every phone call, every bad day that you want to come to me about. I will run your errands and continue to be the partner you deserve with full acknowledgement of your needs. I will be who you need me to be until that is no longer needed. I will respect whatever outcome comes of this. I love you.

I gave you something that you never asked for but are now responsible for taking care of. That is not fair and never will be. My actions, no matter how ill I was, were still my actions. I am responsible for them, and I made choices that are my fault.

I am sorry for how I have distorted your perception of love and shattered your reality. I am sorry that I lied to you. I traumatized you and destroyed your safety and security in the most meaningful relationship that youve ever had. I made your deepest fears come true and invalidated every sensation of worth and esteem that you had in this relationship. I took the privacy that we were intimately weaving together and smashed it to pieces. I made everything you sacrificed about me. Every happy memory we spent together is a prison sentence. I gave you something to replay in your head over and over until youre so sick you cant breathe. I lied to you. I betrayed everyone in our lives. I betrayed your parents, your siblings, your grandparents. I betrayed my friends and family. I betrayed myself and everything I thought i was. I didn't just make a mistake. I pulled out a gun and shot you in the heart. I am so sorry.

You deserve so much love and care. And if that means separation, then don't second guess that decision. Please, please do what's right for you. You deserve to feel safe and cared for. My feelings do not get to influence that.

I love you.

I cheated. I was struggling with poor mental health and I used an opportunity of sex with another person as a method of self destruction and escape. I allowed myself to do this because i did not have healthy boundaries and wasn't thinking about the consequences. I did not tell them, and when confessing only 5 months later, lied about it.

This caused irreperable damage to my partner, to myself, and to our relationship. This person has been shattered because of this selfish, cowardly, disgusting choice I made. I will never be able to make up what I did and this person is now traumatized for the rest of their lives.

I look back at my life and realize the scum that I have been. I am a pathological liar. Ive been lying since a young age, and convince myself of my own lies. I lied so much that I would completely reinvent my reality. Sometimes for no reason. Sometimes for attention. Sometimes, and most damaging, to avoid accountability.

One of the reasons here is that in childhood, when I was held accountable for something, it came with deep shame and abandonment from others. There were no healthy boundaries for responsibility. If you did something wrong, you were not loved, and you were abandoned as a result.

Shame was equated with abandonment and death.

So the shame i experienced with the cheating resulted in a denial response. I lied to myself about the occurence and couldn't give my partner a straight answer. I wanted desperately to tell them the truth but did not. Eventually I was able to, but only when I called the person involved in the affair to verify. My denial had warped my perception of reality to the point of taking drastic measures to ensure internal consistency. But I desperately wanted to tell them to take accountability.

I realize that these lies were a choice as much as the cheating was. Sure it is hard, and against the way my brain has been wired. But that doesn't make me any less of a coward.

I came to these realizations only recently. I am going to therapy and continuing to journal and take in feedback from my support system. I have been watching videos on infidelity and relationships. I am soon to get a couple of books on infidelity and complex trauma.

I have been a very bad person in my life and the person I was supposed to love the most was destroyed by my selfishness. I desperately want to change so that i never do this again. I hated my affair and I hated what i did to them. I hate what I have done and what I am capable of. I feel such horrible shame. They didn't deserve this. I am so sorry. I don't know how to keep living. But I must keep living so that I can redeem my cowardice, even if I am forever a cheater.

Do you have anything to recommend? Any words of advice or wisdom?

I feel very confused currently. I am currently very dysregulated, so forgive me for any confusion here.

I think I reconstructed the narrative and lied to myself about the affair. I confused myself strategically in order to make the details do disorienting and foreign that I couldn't reasonably represent them to my partner.

I dont think this was intentional but I dont know to what extent it wasn't. I feel sick with uncertainty. The obsessive thoughts are just repeating constantly.

Not only am I a monster but a liar. I cant distinguish whats really real and its all because I cant face the reality of whats happened. I keep making it worse. I want to tell my partner about this but I dont know what will confuse them and I feel like im just going to speak from a place of activated shame and end up lying again.

I think that I lie unconsciously and then reinforce a narrative that fits that lie. I become genuinely convinced of the lie told, and I run from exposure to it.

How do I stop this cycle? I do not mean to lie like this and I am afraid the damage is too severe to be reconciled at this point.

I feel so tired. This person is destroyed because of me and i cant even give them a truth that isn't tarnished by my pathology. I feel sick and ashamed of myself. I really need help. I don't even know whats real and whats not and I'm starting to crack under the shame.

I know im lying to myself. But i dont know about what.

Trigger warning: Cheating and betrayal trauma

I have hurt someone with horrible cruelty, and I didn't realize the pain that I would inflict before carrying out this monstrous act. All I thought of was myself and my feelings.

I cheated on my partner two months into our relationship. I didn't allow myself to process any feelings about it. I dissociated, and rationalized the incident.

I did so with my ex. We had a very tangled relationship. We were codependent, toxic, and after the end of our relationship, our boundaries became confusing and blurred. I felt pressured to have sex with them, but still participated in a way to escape reality and seek self punishment.

I began to develop feelings for someone in the aftermath of my shit storm. I began to love them. When they asked for exclusivity I wanted to give it to them. But I felt discomfort with the idea of a relationship. They knew this, but we continued. We were still exclusive, although operated under the label of friends. We werent "just friends". We knew how we felt about one another. And we cared very deeply about each other. But there was still a wound there, and I was not careful enough to give it the attention it needed.

In February, I cheated on them with my ex. I was over at their house, a visit my partner knew about. But what ended up happening, I never did tell them. I was engaging with my ex in an unhealthy coping mechanism. I hadnt yet processed my grief and I found comfort in them. I felt like a monster. I remember having an extreme mess of emotions, contradictory and dissonanced. I was destroying myself.

And then I walked away, having told myself that what just happened actually didn't. That it was different, or in some different dimension of reality that somehow didn't actually exist. I gave myself permission in some disorded, deceptive way. I didn't tell my partner and texted them like nothing happened. I think that my lack of commitment enabled this.

I dont really remember the rest of that night. I hardly remember the incident. But I think that was something i did intentionally in order to cover it up.

The memory resurfaced recently while talking to my partner and I told them about my suspicion. The memory was so uncertain because of the layers of denial and dissociation I had packed on top of it. I told them about the memories I had, but didn't know for certain. So i called my ex. It did happen. And i told them about it immediately.

Looking at it now, I see all the different parts in play. I was afraid of commitment, self destructive, and ready to give up in life. And I made a decision to do something really destructive. I selfishly held onto the idea that this was something i did to myself and that they didnt need to know. And then when it came up again, I couldn't be straight up with them because of how extensively I manipulated myself.

I am deceptive. I am a pathological liar. I avoid accountability. Shame feels like an existential threat. And I use circumstances to avoid blame. I am a fake person. And i wasnt even aware of this until I really sat down and looked at myself. The layers of schemas my body has developed have obscured my intentions to myself. I have CPTSD and experience structural dissociation. I think a part of that is the self deception and denial of reality that I learned to internalize at a young age. I was neglected in childhood. My dad cheated on my mother and abandoned us before i could remember. I was isolated, shamed, ridiculed, and hated by my family. I was sexually coerced by people, bullied extensively, and abused physically and mentally by my step dad. He would threaten to kill me over slight transgressions, lock me in my room and tell me horrible things, degrade my mother and I, destroy property, hurt my pets, and then love bomb and gaslight me afterwards. In order to escape these pressures, I started to take on new identities and roles. I would dissociate heavily. I do not have DID but my symptoms are on a similar spectrum. Some of the complexes or identities I developed modeled my abusers, who were narcissistic and manipulative. I learned how to lie and cheat at a young age, and would repress accountability for such bad behavior by splitting myself into different compartments.

I have done some truly evil things in my life, and i used to blame it on being young or mentally ill. I am 20 years old now. I have committed another despicable act in a world full of good people and there is zero excuse for it. I have destroyed this persons life. They are going to be traumatized forever because of something I did and lied about. This shouldn't have been what made me learn my lesson. Because this persons lesson is that love doesnt actually exist. I maimed a persons soul. I took advantage and ruined someone. They have to be the one to pay the price of my redemption when I was too cowardly to do so already. I am a weak and narcissistic person. And there is nothing in the world, there is no good, and no proper payment that could atone for this. I did something cruel and unjust. They did not ask for this and it should not have happened no matter the circumstances.

Since that incident, I have committed to a better life. Ive changed a lot in these past 5 months. But I still did this to someone i said that I loved. And nothing can ever right that wrong. Nothing can ever forgive what i did. Nothing can ever give back what i stole. I care about this person so much, they deserve so much love and care. And I still did this to them because obviously I couldn't care enough to give them what they deserved.

Exclusivity is so important to them. And I confirmed all of their fears. The unimaginable extent of this treachery is something that i will never experience. Their self worth and esteem will have a permanent scar. I just informed them that they can't ever put their guard down. Their trust and security may not ever recover.

I hate what I have done. The day this stops eating me shall be the day I die. I will not let myself become numb to the damage ive done. And I will do everything I can to be the better person that I wasn't for them. I'm going to switch therapists. I've been watching videos about cheating and reading betrayed experiences online to get a better understanding of the harm thats been done. I am going to pick up some books to read. They need space right now, and I have been giving it to them. Sometimes it is hard, i want to reach out and let them know how deserving they are and how valuable their existence is. But they do not need to hear that from their abuser right now. What i can do right now is offer support in all that I can, and let them have space for what I cannot. I have been committing to acts of service for them, their family, and the people in my life.

I have been trying to combat malignant shame. I have already destroyed a life. I cannot allow myself to self loathe, no matter how evil I believe that I am. Maybe I am evil. But curling up into a ball and beating myself up about it will just make me an evil person who is also pathetic and cowardly.

I fucked up horribly. I have to hold space for that, feel how shitty this is, listen to ones who have sustained such abuse, advocate for people, and advocate for myself. I do not deserve forgiveness. And I will not forgive myself for a while. But eventually it will be the only thing that allows me to truly move on. But my slate shall not be wiped clean until I do the excruciating work it takes.

I love them so much. I do not know if our relationship will survive. But if i truly love them I must allow them to make a decision on their own, and understand that I am not owed a second chance. I am a person with a pathology that I have neglected and have ended up hurting many people. Its time to kill the ego that is responsible for this.

This shall be my first second milestone post about this. I am still trying to grow in my perspective on this. Right now im still the monster. Im still wanting to escape the consequences. Im still wanting to distance myself and make the truth more comfortable. In a few weeks I will look back with a more updated understanding and judge my progress. Im still very much confused about the whole truth of the matter, and realize that some of what I am saying may be contradictory. Im having a hard time processing this. Every part of my fractured sense of self is interpreting the events differently. Im getting closer although I am still a mess. The self deception and

identity confusion has made it difficult to sort myself out. I dont understand myself or my actions. And it is destroying my life.

If you have any advice, any words of wisdom, any similar experiences, any critique, or any frustration you want to vent, I will listen. I want to diversify my perspective, take more accountability, and truly commit to change.

If you have been abused by cheating, I am so sorry for what you have been through. You did not deserve what happened, neither is it your fault. Your abuser made a very self centered, immature, and destructive decision to put their needs before yours. They stepped outside of your partnership for their own disgusting and childish desires. You deserve so much love and care, and I will fight to the death to make sure I never introduce suffering like this into someone's life again.

Triggered warning: self harm and suicide

I cheated on my partner February 22nd, about three months into our relationship. This was eight days after valentines day. I had intercourse with my ex, after coming over to drop off some of my things. In the process, I took off the necklace that my current partner had then given me. This necklace was a sign of their care and presence with me while I was away. And I took it off to do that with my ex. I was texting my partner throughout my visit, and there is an evident gap in our texting. But when we did text, I acted completely normally. We even called that night.

I remember the moment I took off the necklace. I remember thinking that by doing so, I was protecting them from what I was doing. I truly believed that the circumstances led me to the inescapable fate of sleeping with someone else, and my attempt at minimizing the damage was to take off the necklace. That was my opportunity to stop. And I did not. I chose to keep going. I have not disclosed this part about protection or my rationalization, because I feel that would cause more harm to them. I will tell them about my reasoning only if they consent to understanding that part. And I do not deserve that.

The context of this are the relationships themselves. With my partner, my ex, and myself. My ex and I ended things at the end of October. I had just gotten out of inpatient care for suicidal ideation, and had started on medication. I was still in college at the time and had to worry about finishing out the semester. I ended things with my ex, while we were still living together, and what was already a codependent and unhealthy environment collapsed into complete destruction. We began having sex to cope, and I relapsed into self harm. I would do so in bed with them. The last time we had sex before they moved, they helped me harm myself.

While this was going on, I was developing a deeper bond with the person who would be my current partner. I remember at the time wanting to maintain the boundaries of each relationship to protect those within them. I wouldn't discuss the details of what was happening with my ex with them, and I wouldn't discuss the details of my relationship with them with my ex. Stronger boundaries had to be put in place with my ex as they noticed the time I began to spend with this person. They interrogated me, shouted, and demanded. I would not tell them about the privacy of the relationship I held.

This compartmentalization became malignant over time, as things got worse at home, I became more avoidant and fearful, and any mention of my ex would cause me to shut down and dissociate. But when I'd go back home, on the rare occasion I did, it was as if nothing else existed. And we would engage physically to escape our situation.

I began developing strong feelings for my current partner. I told them about them in an attempt to hold space for that while I was going through the grieving process. I did not want to pursue them yet. Eventually, they told me about their feelings for me. This turned into a conversation about how to move forward with that in mind, and we decided to pursue those feelings. I told them I didnt want a relationship, and that I wanted what we did to function under the idea of a friendship for now.

We became intimate over time, and in December, we were talking about exclusivity. I would shut down partially during those conversations but didn't understand why. I do now. I would shut down due to the conflict of what was happening back home with my feelings for this person, my fears and wounds regarding relationships, the grief and confusion at this time, my sense of self which had not adapted to the current situation, and the intense longing for a relationship with them that I, looking back, couldn't sustain.

I thought about it for a while. But when I came back to it, we agreed to be exclusive. I loved their presence in my life, and I was starting to love them. This grew in intensity. My ex moved out, and we pursued our relationship together.

Then in February, I departed for my hometown. I was going to see an old friend, and while I was down there, thought I would take my ex some of the things they had left. My partner gave me their neckace as a reminder of their presence alongside me. And I left them with my necklace for the same reason. On sunday, I went over to my ex's house. I was bringing stuff into their house. They asked if I wanted to see a game they were playing. I said sure. I sat next to them, and got closer to the screen so I could see. I put my hand on their back. I began to rub their back. They looked at me, came closer, and we began kissing. This developed further, wherein I took the necklace off and set it aside. I initiated sex with my ex partner by allowing myself in the same room as them, without proper processing of the boundaries of the relationship, choosing to put my hand on their back, and choosing not to stop.

I reasoned that this somehow didn't happen. I was dissociating very hard at this point, and didn't allow myself to process what happened before making my way to leave. I don't think I allowed myself to even think about what happened. I talked to my partner afterwards like nothing happened.

Flash forward to now, I have been repressing the memory for months. My partner and I were talking about past relationships, when the memory came up. I began panicking and told them that I thought that I had broken exclusivity. I told them that my ex and I may have done so up until they left, and maybe even afterwards. But my memory was so shot and suppressed, and I was in denial. I made myself sick for a couple of weeks trying to figure it out. I became confused and dysregulated, panicking constantly without slowing down. I believed that I was lying to myself, and was throwing all kinds of thoughts around trying to chase what I was escaping from.

By last Saturday, I had constructed what I believed to be a whole timeline, including that instance on February 22nd. I remembered the necklace. I told them about this. This was very frustrating for them to hear because I ultimately didn't know whether this was actually true. So I called my ex. It was true. I told them the details Sunday after I called.

They are devastated. I betrayed our relationship agreement. I didnt take the circumstances seriously enough, and was not aware of my protective mechanisms enough to stop myself from making those choices. I was avoidant, I compartmentalized the situation, I was not self aware, in fact was running from myself, insecure, and made a series of stupid decisions due to a lack of judgment, needs I was supressing, and desires I did not understand. I was incompatible for this person and I told them I was not. I believed this, but my actions suggested otherwise, and I could confront the dissonance enough to resolve it. I was becoming triggered and destructive to myself and my relationship with them at the time of cheating. I was insecure and ashamed of myself, I was actively suicidal, and could not commit to the relationship properly. I held parts of myself back, and because at the time I still held our relationship under the label of friends, and told myself that I was not looking for a committed relationship, that I knew i was wounded and confused in some manner, and could not have fair judgment about a serious relationship with them.

This changed after that, and we grew into a healthy, loving, and committed partnership. But when they look back, they thought that's what we were. And I thought we were too. But looking back myself, I realize how messed up I was.

My mental health has become better, I have committed to this person completely, and now that I have, I have revealed to them the part of myself that I kept hidden, and wasn't even aware of myself. I cheated on this person in a relationship I was not ready for but insisted I was. And my stupid, selfish, immature decisions have messed up and traumatized this person for the rest of their lives. I betrayed them, their whole family, and myself.

We are still on speaking terms. We see each other today. We had plans to watch a movie last night but something triggered them and they left my house crying. We still consider each other partners, but the range is limited. Their boundaries are as such:

They will not be speaking about their hurt with the person who hurt them. Their feelings are something they will have to process and feel on their own. I cannot support them through this. They do not want to know why what happened did. They will communicate their needs and boundaries on their own, and I do not get to ask about their needs and boundaries at this time. They need space and time to do what is right for themselves.

One thing that they said that has stuck with me: "Nothing you can say will ever make this okay. I will never understand why you did this, and the less I know the better. People dont do things like this. But you did it anyways. We shouldn't have been together. Or maybe we should have. And you did that anyways."

I hate how much I've hurt them because they never deserved such a burden. They are kindest, most caring person I've ever met. I have left a permanent scar on them, one that can never be corrected. I have destroyed their sense of trust and security. I have uprooted their whole perception of reality. I have violated them and our relationship. I destroyed what we had, and could have had. I did this. I made a choice that will take years of therapy to heal. I am the monster of my story.

I do not know what to do. I want to write them a note, apologizing, offering validation and recognition, taking active accountability, offering the change that would happen, and a chance to talk about why what happened did if they consented to it. I do not know really where to start. What to say. What to do.

For now I will be patient and persevering. I will continue to do the right thing and show them my care through this. I will continue to journal, work in therapy, and talk to others with whom I can take accountability, unwind and understand the version of myself that did this to another person, and continue to correct myself everyday. I offer what I can. I give them all I can to assist in their day. I know that nothing I do will ever be enough. And everything about our relationship shall be their choice. But I just want to make this part as comfortable and open as I can for them.

I have CPTSD with extreme dissociative symptoms. I blocked out the memory of cheating on my partner.

I had a one night stand with an ex. I had gone by her house to bring by some of the things she had left. We ended up having sex.

This was 5 months ago. Forward to now, my current partner and I were discussing past relationships, when the memories flooded back in. I told them my suspicion, verified what happened with my ex, and told them immediately.

I destroyed our life and relationship. I betrayed them. I am completely responsible for what happened. But the fact that it did happen is eating me alive. The fact that I would hurt someone like that. And that my current partner will now have to live with this scar for the rest of their life. And I just "didnt remember".

I feel defeated. Our relationship will probably end. I do not know yet. But I want them to do what is best for them. They deserve better than that. I just dont even know what to think or do.

How should I proceed with my therapist? What the fuck does one even say or do about something like this?

I, 20M, and my partner, 20NB, have been in an exclusive relationship since December.

My ex girlfriend and I broke up in October shortly following my stay at an inpatient facility. For a period after this breakup, we engaged with each other sexually. It was not healthy, and I remember not enjoying it and feeling pressured. She would get very upset when I would sleep on the couch so I felt like I had to sleep in the bed.

During this time, I was developing feelings for someone who is now my current partner. I made specifically sure not to act inappropriately with them while I was in the relationship, or concluding it. I wanted to take time to breathe after it was done before telling them about my feelings. My desire to tell them about my feelings wasnt necessarily to pursue them with them, but to disclose myself in order to integrate that fact of my relationship with them during an intensely stressful time. I wanted to let them know so that the feelings could have space while I was sorting things out in my ongoing toxic ex-relationship with whom i was still sleeping in the same bed. It was pretty messy.

Eventually, however, they admitted their feelings for me, and we began discussing how we might start expressing them. I don't know if my ex and I continued having sex with each other by this point. But eventually, my current partner and I had had our first kiss. I do not know, but I think I might have engaged physically with my ex after this. I cannot remember. I struggle with structural dissociation and the medication that was working very well at first was starting to cause problematic side effects (increased dissociation, mental confusion, brain fog).

I know that although there was pressure to continue having sex with my ex, I still put myself in a position to do so with her. I dont think I wanted it to happen. I told my current partner that I would have thoughts kind of like "this is very bad--but its okay." I think i was trying to rationalize also that what was happening somehow wasnt.

When my current partner and I began discussing exclusivity around December, I remember wanting to be very careful to participate in it. I remember shutting down during one conversation with them about it and not really knowing why. I think its apparent to me now that I had cognitive dissonance about a reality I wasnt actively processing. I agreed to exclusivity, but I dont remember if my ex and I continued. I dont think we did, because I remember stopping sleeping in the same bed, and spending most of my time with my current partner at the time after discussing exclusivity. I really want to believe i took the proactive steps to give them exclusivity but I am terrified that this did not happen.

Within the last two weeks, my partner and I have been discussing relationship history, and it came up. The memories, although incomplete, slippery, were very intense and confusing. I told them that I thought my ex and i may have continued having sex until she moved out, and thar it may even happened afterwards. They wanted to know more, so i started scrambling for certainty.

Everyday I made myself sick thinking through and looking for the answers. I kept obsessing about it ovwr and over. I would wake up confused and full of fear, dread, and grief. Did I have sex with her after she moved? I have memories that would lead me to believe that, and texts that seems suspicious. But i do not know. I have already given my partner contradictory information which has been infuriating for them. I am terrified of lying to them.

The memories in question that make me feel like infidelity could have occurred, and what makes the stakes of saying/not saying anything seem really high to me is as follows:

I went over to my ex's house to catch up on February 22nd. I had already asked my current partner to be my valentine. We were in love, and had been on a couple of dates. I was texting them when i was there, but there appears to be 2 1-hour gaps in texting. I said that i needed to do homework, which i vaguely remember doing. I also remember eating chinese food, talking to my friend on the phone for a long time, and watching Gordon Ramsay. I also remember dissociating pretty hard. I was age regressing. I dont remember what happened, just that it did happen, which usually happened when i had sex with her. Another detail, which is the most tragic part of all of this to me, is that my current partner had given me their necklace to wear down there. I remember taking it off at some point during my stay in my hometown, which Im thinking may have included the time i spent at my exs house. I remember not coming back home with it, and thinking that it could have been at my parents house. But i also remember taking it off at my exs house i believe. I also think i remember changing in her bathroom, which would explain why i took it off. But im very afraid that i did have sex with her. Especially because i texted her that it was at her house, and was probably on the floor. She looked but could not find it. But it wasnt at my parents house, either. My current partner knows that i went over to my exs house, but not about me texting her to look for my necklace.

I am afraid that i knew I had sex with her, reasoned that I left it there, and texted her about it while telling my partner that i thought I left it at my parents house.

I do not know what to tell them. They told me they cannot deal with the confusion. I have been trying to stay present with them through this and be as responsible as I can, but I have been a huge fucking mess. I feel terrible. I feel like a monster. I feel like ive been lying to myself. And I dont know what to tell them because if I give this to them, the best I have is, "well i think this could have happened but idk". Ive thought about calling my ex to see if something happened but I dont want to do something that could be emotionally invalidating for her.

My partner and therapist have told me to chill out. My partner is stuck in limbo while I freak out about something tragic to our relationship. They dont know what to process. The security they thought was there isnt anymore. And my therapist has told me that I just wont have that certainty.

What do I even tell them? If I tell them about these thoughts I am afraid that it is going to hurt them but if i dont i will be lying. I feel sick. And the grief of destroying our relationship is killing me. I dont really know what to do.

I feel like the "me" that was observant of its psyche has died. I feel that I no longer have a self, or first person conscious experience. A philosophical zombie. I think my true self is just annhilation. And even when there's a more clear conception of selfhood in the fragments of my dissociated personality, I still don't think it is me who is there. I feel like the dissociation has just become recursive. And im pretty sad about it.