u/MiddleComplaint2072

Hey I haven’t posted in a couple weeks and I just wanted to update.

I filed for divorce. This didn’t come out of nowhere. My partner and I tried for nearly a year to work on things and the truth is that getting this divorce isn’t a bad thing. We’ve talked about it a lot and I think we both just need a fresh start. I can’t keep forcing us into a box we don’t fit into anymore. They asked me to file so it’s not because I’m giving up. We are friends and will always care about and support eachother. We still make each other laugh and get on eachothers nerves lovingly. I’m grateful for their forgiveness and although it’s not the outcome I originally wanted, I feel a sense of peace that this is what’s right. I think we both needed some time to process this and slowly let go rather than all at once. It doesn’t feel like a demotion, it feels like a natural evolution of our relationship. And if either of us were to get in a relationship again I’d definitely be more mindful about boundaries around our friendship. As of right now I don’t think we’ll be hanging out too often but things could change. If it’s meant to be it will be.

I won’t lie and say I’m not a little sad but I’ve had a lot of time to process and will continue processing in therapy. I have learned a valuable lesson in that some actions have permanent consequences. I am choosing to live in honesty and integrity moving forward. I’m still working on forgiveness towards myself but I know that I am moving in the right direction.

To anyone reading this and going through it right now, it does get better even if it’s not the outcome you originally wanted. It’s ok to still be sad about it and grieve the life you thought you’d have. You don’t have to let your past choices define your whole life but you should allow them to teach you who you don’t want to be moving forward.

I posted here yesterday about how I never got a response to the anniversary text I sent my BP. A lot of people thankfully called me out for being selfish. I was being extremely defensive in the comments and I just want to apologize to whoever saw that post and the people who commented on that post. Even the mods told me to reflect on myself. It wasn’t reflective of who I want to be. I also apologized to my BP. The post is now deleted.

I think I’m just struggling and not handling that in the healthiest way right now. I don’t want to make excuses for myself but I do want to acknowledge that I’m just not ok.

My BP and I had been spending time together weekly up until our anniversary and as happy and grateful as I am that they even want me to be in there life at all I just don’t know if being friends right now is healthy for either of us. I am clearly still dealing with a lot of shame and not feeling worthy of their time or love. I know that shame is also a selfish feeling. We aren’t really talking about the past and working through things together, it’s just kinda there in the background. I don’t want to force them to be ready to do that but I do feel like the time we spend together is almost putting a bandaid on things. I don’t feel like I know how to be myself around them anymore. I don’t know what is ok, affection wise because sometimes we are affectionate and have sex and then the next time they see me they don’t want to me touched at all. They recently put up a boundary of no sex to help with complicating things but now I fear what that means for us moving forward. I still love them and I can see that they love me too but I don’t know that we have the same goals in terms of our relationship. I am not trying to rush a decision out of them. I just feel like without having conversations that are working towards clarity we are not really moving towards anything. We are just stuck in a cycle.

Please give me some grace with my wording here. I am not trying to attack my BP or suggest that they are doing anything wrong. I know that they tend to pull back because the trauma comes in waves. They can feel safe one moment and triggered the next. Clearly our anniversary was a big trigger and they are now taking some space.

I am trying to say I feel like it has to be their decision to come towards me. I don’t want to feel like I am forcing something with them. I want them to know that I am here for them but I’m not pressuring them. How can best I support my BP during this time? I know that a lot of the answer comes from regulating myself enough to be able to handle their disregulation. I just feel like I’m constantly failing them even when I think I’m helping. Like with my anniversary message, I thought it would nice to send them a more uplifting message but I realize now how inconsiderate that was to their actual feelings. I want to be better. I want to be a safe person. I feel like I have made improvements but even so I have such a long way to go.

I could just really use some encouragement. I don’t want to give up on them. I just really want to be better for them.

Also yes I know I sound very anxious, it’s because I am.

My wedding anniversary was yesterday. My BP and I are still separated but have been spending time together. I knew we wouldn’t be celebrating but I still sent a nice message acknowledging the day and how they may feel about it. Never got a response. Today I sent a follow up and said I hope all is well and that you have a good day. I feel hurt that they wouldn’t even acknowledge my message. I’m really trying to be understanding and I know I put myself in this position but I just feel like some of their actions are contradictory. They say they want to be friends but then don’t consider me. I want to build a friendship with them but it’s hard when everything is on their terms. I understand taking space. That’s perfectly ok and understandable but they don’t let me know that’s what they’re doing. They just ignore me for a few days and then act like nothing happened. I don’t know how to work with that.

I’ve posted here many times. My partner and I have been separated for 10 months and our wedding anniversary is this week. We do not live together.

We’ve been spending time together again since the beginning of April but they have said they just want to take things slowly. They have expressed fear of repeating old patterns if we were to get back together. We’ve had sex a few times but recently set a no sex boundary so things don’t get too complicated. Any time we’re together we always laugh and have a great time. We often fall into old habits of acting like a couple unintentionally.

Everytime I see them and we have a good time I leave feeling anxious. Nothing went wrong but I just feel uneasy not having full clarity on what we’re working towards. Especially with sex taken out of the mix and the only intimacy we really have is hugging. I feel a magnetism every time I’m around them. It feels unnatural not to be intimate and loving towards them. They have told me they often leave our hangouts early because of their strong attraction to me and wanting to uphold boundaries. The boundary was their decision.

I don’t know at what point it’s ok for me to ask for more. I don’t know what taking it slowly means to them. I sometimes feel afraid to speak my true feelings because I don’t want to put pressure on them. They struggle with being vulnerable and don’t like to have the same conversations over again. I don’t want to keep repeating conversations either. I just want to understand where they’re at emotionally and every time I try I feel more confused.

They must care for me in some way if they keep spending time with me. We talk pretty regularly too and sometimes send each other songs or memes from instagram.

A few other things are that they have my contact name as “ex-spouse” and haven’t changed it even though I’ve asked them about it. Not asking them to change it necessarily but just mentioning it and seeing how they respond. And they still have me blocked on instagram. We are still married btw. I try not to let these things bother me but it’s hard not to sometimes. And one of the cats we shared has been missing for about a month and we’re not sure they’re coming back. I’ve been really struggling with feeling resentment toward my BP for not letting me see our pets these past 10 months other than on my birthday and one other time. I never really got a say in how that was handled.

I know that healing isn’t linear and especially with betrayal trauma things take time. Can any BPs share what the first year after dday was like for you? What could I be doing differently to show them how much I want this? Is there hope?

My BP came over for dinner the other night and they left shortly after we finished eating. We had a good time, they loved what I cooked for them, even went for seconds. But when I realized they were leaving so soon I started to tear up because I thought we would hang out a bit longer. I tried to hide my tears but they just started pouring and of course they noticed and asked why. When I explained they gave me a hug and told me there’s no need to cry and trust me I know I was overreacting but I was also hormonal and about to start my period.

I walked them out to their car and they suggested that we go for a drive. We went for a drive to a stream near my house and we talked about us. They said that everytime they see me they want to “fuck my brains out” and that’s why they leave because they don’t want to complicate things when they are unsure of what they want. I told them that I understand and that I am trying to uphold that boundary for myself as well while we figure things out.

They also said that we keep having the same conversation and they feel like it’s just going in one ear and out the other. I get that but it’s just not true. I listen, we just never really come to a conclusion when we have these conversations and I struggle with the lack of clarity. They told me they’re not in a rush and the thing is neither am I but I think we have different ways of expressing ourselves. I told them that sometimes it’s hard to just be friends because when we’re together we still act like a couple. They agreed. They brought up that they want us to support each other and wish the best for one another but they feel like if we got back together we’d just destroy eachother again. I respectfully disagreed and said that we never had a bad relationship, we actually had a great relationship which scared the fuck out of me. I sabotaged what we had by cheating. They said that it makes it worse. I imagine that if we got back together and things were good between us again that fear would always be there but I’m doing the work and I am in a much better place than I was 10 months ago.

I understand myself so much better and I’m no longer codependent on the relationship. They said they’re still figuring things out and it’s gonna take more time. They have not decided in one way or the other yet but they are still spending time with me. We’re going hiking this week. I feel we’re creating a lot of positive memories and laughing together again. I’m absolutely here for the ride and I’m not giving up on us. I hope to show them that. Before they drove me home I said that I like hanging out with them and they said “likewise”. I think the misconception they have is that I need us to define things and that’s not the case, I just want to know that we’re working towards the same goal.

Does this sound like the path to reconciliation or just two people who haven’t let go?

To all betrayed parters, if you could give one piece of advice to wayward partners trying to reconcile what would it be?

How did you know your BP wanted to reconcile even before they said it themselves? Did they show signs of fear and protecting themselves along with signs of affection and care?

Just wanting to hear some experiences and how reconciliation happened for you.

TL;DR: Almost filed for divorce but decided to take some time to reflect. BP says they don’t want a relationship but actions say otherwise. Looking for advice.

I know a lot of you have been following my story and I appreciate those who have reached out with encouragement and even criticism. It really helps to hear from BPs and WPs who are also going through a similar experience.

I think the last I updated I was considering no R and filing for divorce. Going through the motions of actually going to the courthouse and starting to fill out paperwork made me really reflect on whether this is the right move given that things are still fairly fresh and emotionally raw. BP had asked me to file but they’ve had the paperwork in their possession for months and haven’t taken that step. It’s fairly easy and inexpensive as it is an uncontested divorce with no children. I don’t want to take this lightly, it’s a big decision. I was having a tough moment and have since calmed down a bit and realized some things. There really is no rush for any decision. Letting us take some time to rebuild trust even if it still ultimately leads to divorce is better in my opinion than not taking the time to make this decision from a place of clarity. I wouldn’t say I’m quite happy with my current living situation but I’m content with my routine and have no desire to enter back into the dating world.

Some things I’ve been thinking about is how I’ve been handling conflict and hearing certain things from my BP that are hard to accept. They have spoken about how their friends speak of me and I’ve been so focused on my image and get upset when they tell me but that’s not the mindset of someone who is taking accountability. They are perceiving the reality of the pain I caused their friend. Of course they have opinions. I should be focusing on my healing and reassuring my BP, not what other people think. Putting them in a position to console me is completely self centered and borderline manipulative. In time, I will have an opportunity to amend those relationships but not until my BP is ready for that. They still want to keep our relationship on the down low and I respect that. We don’t even know what we’re doing yet and until we figure it out it’s really no one’s business.

After BP and I had an emotional conversation last week about what we’re doing they have taken a step back in communication. In that conversation we both expressed how things felt for us and they said they feel like I’m just trying to mend things to clear my conscience or my guilt and I said that’s not true and explained how yes I feel guilt and shame but i think that we genuinely have a good connection and I love spending time with them. They had their head down and almost seemed teary eyed at one point. I could have misinterpreted the teary eyed part. I’m not quite sure what to make of their reaction.

We talked about how we’ve been talking nearly every day and spending time together at least once a week, having sex and it’s not just me initiating. They said they didn’t know why and that it just feels good to hang out with me and have someone to talk to. We never really got to any clarity not that I’m trying to define anything I just want to understand I guess. They accused me of being defensive which I think i unintentionally was and they were being defensive as well. It didn’t feel like an argument though, we were expressing ourselves which is more than I can say for the past. They were still cracking jokes in between the intensity and we hugged at the end of the night. I asked them if there’s ever a chance that we’ll get back together and they said they are just focusing on the present and they can’t really think of the future anymore but then before I got out of the car they said we’ll see eachother soon implying this isn’t the end of something.

They have expressed having feelings but wanting to protect them on multiple occasions. They said that they don’t have a lot of time for people but yet they choose to spend it with me. But they also have expressed not wanting a relationship while showing actions of relationship type behavior and even jealousy on occasion. Jealousy being based off assumption not fact but when I bring it up they say some other reason for their reaction and that they’re not actually jealous. Also we’ve been sending songs to eachother which is something we did early on in our relationship. They keep me updated on things with our cats we shared, they message me about work/life stresses and logistics, they have asked for favors and also helped me with favors, they apologize when they don’t text back right away, they make plans with me, they have got me food without me asking, they have cooked dinner for me. All of these things occurred within the last couple months. I don’t think those are the actions of someone emotionally checked out of the relationship as much as they claim to be. We’ve been separated for 9 months now.

After the conversation last week I reached out a couple times and was either getting a pretty dry response or no response so I kindly asked them to let me know if they need space and they said yes they need a little bit of time. In the past they would have just ignored me until they were ready to talk again. As an anxious person, the fact that they communicated needing space makes it a lot easier to respect knowing that. I should respect it either way but having that confirmation makes me feel less like i’m being abandoned. It’s progress in my opinion. Small but also quite significant.

As an outsider to the situation what are your thoughts or advice? Couples counseling isn’t on the table for right now but maybe some other communication tools that have helped you and your relationship. Especially if you are a BP with avoidant tendencies I’d love to hear from you.

Sorry this got so long. If you make it to the end, thank you.

As the title says, what are your thoughts on non-alcoholic beer? I’ve been sober for over 9 months now and I was craving a Michelada so I got some non-alcoholic corona and made one. I felt weirdly guilty for drinking it. It was a little triggering tbh because even though I wasn’t getting drunk I still got that same feeling of wanting more. I’m not sure I can do this again. I don’t consider this breaking my sobriety. It was only one nonalcoholic drink but it still feels like a dangerous risk to take.

What made you realize R wasn’t going to work?

Or how did you know it was worth the effort to stay even when things were hard? What changed for you when you really decided to commit versus being in ambivalence?

I’m mostly looking for BP answers but WPs feel free to chime in too. I’ve been fighting for my BP for 9 months. I don’t deserve applause for this as it’s my fault we’re even here. They are still showing signs of ambivalence although we have gotten closer. I made a post the other day about not choosing R but I think really what it is, is I’m emotionally exhausted from trying to mend a relationship all by myself. I’m not confused about my feelings necessarily I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to add any more pressure on my BP. I’m filing for divorce because they asked me to but we have discussed continuing to build trust even after divorce and potentially going to counseling. I know that my BP feels like the marriage is tainted which is why they want to opt for divorce. I just need some encouragement and advice.

Is there any wayward here who didn’t reconcile? Why?

I’m kind of ashamed to even say this out loud but after 9 months of trying I’m not sure R is ideal for my BP and I anymore. I don’t know if I’m doing it because I genuinely love them or because I’ve been conditioned to think that all relationships are salvageable no matter how toxic or difficult it gets. Or maybe I’m afraid of what happens if we don’t reconcile and that’s an uncomfortable thing to admit. I do love them but I feel like in order to show them that I need to let go. They deserve someone who chooses them full heartedly and idk if I’m in a place where I can do that. I can barely choose myself on most days. I admit that I don’t think I’m a fully safe partner yet. I have been in therapy and I feel like I’ve grown a lot but I think part of that is taking accountability for where I’m at mentally and emotionally. This is not to say that we won’t ever reconcile but I think we need space for a while to help us both to grow individually and ultimately get more clarity on our feelings. They are not all in on the R process either and have said they don’t want a relationship so I feel like that’s the answer. I thought that fighting for this would make them feel wanted but it’s just adding pressure on both of us. We have been spending time together recently and talking a lot and it feels good to be with them. We have a familiarity and comfort with eachother. We have good chemistry and we laugh together. I just don’t know if that’s enough to sustain a relationship when we think so differently and process things in completely opposite ways. They are such a genuine and joyful person. They light up any room they walk into and can make a joke even at the most inappropriate times. I can see the pain in them though. I know that I’ve taken away their trust for anyone and the innocence of falling in love. They won’t go into any relationship without being haunted by triggers. They do not want to go to MC. They have shown me in multiple ways that they don’t want to reconcile they just want to be able to rebuild some respect for me. They have graced me with forgiveness but I think it’s time I stop being so delusional and listen to the signs. I’ve been placing so much blame on them for keeping us in limbo but I’m the one that got us here.

Edit: just to clarify, I am not in contact with my AP. I do not want a relationship with them or anything to do with them at all. That is not my reasoning behind this post.

So my BP and I hung out last night as we have been doing pretty much weekly for the past few weeks. We also have been texting daily and occasionally having sex.

I realized I was reading everything wrong. I thought we were starting R but they don’t want to get back together. They basically just said that they like hanging out with me and it feels good and it’s nice to have someone to talk to. It sounded like they didn’t even understand it themselves. They have forgiven me and I appreciate that but I think they still have a a lot of resentment towards me. That’s fair.

They basically said that they think I’m trying to get back together with them to mend my guilt. I’ve definitely worried that that’s what they think but hearing them say it really sucked. I like them as a person and spending time with them feels good. I’m not just trying to redeem myself.

I feel a bit used which I’m sure some of you will think is justified but I’m not a soulless monster who doesn’t have any feelings. I made choices in the past that I regret so much. BP made the point that I wasn’t crying when I cheated and that’s valid and true but I also wasn’t being honest with myself then. I was compartmentalizing and not confronting myself in the way that I am now.

BP told me they want me to have more experience and to try to see if I’m able to love someone else. how am I supposed to that when they are still here? I don’t really get it and I have no desire for anyone else. I didn’t love my AP.

So basically they want to be my friend which is amazing that we could even get to this point but it’s also painful and I don’t think at this point in time it’s helping either of our growth. Maybe we could be friends when the attachment isn’t so strong.

I told my BP that this is exactly how I got into the situation with my AP. We had broken up but stayed attached and it just ended in mutual destruction. I don’t want to do that with BP. I am actively trying to change that pattern.

Idk what to feel about all of this or what I expect anyone to even say. I feel like I’m finally feeling the break up emotions that I should have felt months ago. I partly credit that to therapy because I am much more able to be present in my body and allow myself to feel things.

I think maybe BP and I should go no contact for a while. We haven’t done that in the 9 months we’ve been separated. I think we need to figure out who we are without eachother.

Our wedding anniversary is coming up next month. We’ve been separated for 9 months but are seeing each other again and working on rebuilding trust.

As a BP, how would you like your WP to address your anniversary? WPs, how did you address your anniversary? What worked and what didn’t?

Also, it’s our first wedding anniversary so we haven’t really been together for majority of the year. I feel like that makes things a bit different. I want them to know I’m here for whatever feelings come up on that day. I don’t want to pressure them into telling me how they feel or celebrating. I’m happy to give them space if that’s what’s needed but I also want to acknowledge the growth that has happened between us over the last few months. We’ve been communicating better and enjoying each others company. I’m just not sure exactly the right words to say. I’m not necessarily asking you guys to figure it out for me but maybe just a little insight into how you as a BP would want to address an anniversary when things are complicated like this. Would it be appropriate to offer to take them to dinner? I don’t want to minimize what the day represents and I know there’s a lot of pain there but I also want them to feel acknowledged and have a positive memory to look back on.

I’ve been sober for 9 months. I haven’t really had any issues with committing to sobriety but recently I find myself struggling. I’ve been having dreams that I drank and waking up feeling guilty. I’ve also just been craving alcohol in a way that I never have before. I miss the feeling of being care free. I have found joy in sobriety too and it feels good not to be hung over on a fairly regular basis. I just wish there was something I could do that isn’t so addictive. Some encourage would be helpful. I’ve made it this far I’m not gonna relapse now but I just need a little support.

To all the BPs out there,

At what point did you feel you could trust your partner again? Was it time and consistency? Or something specific?

If you don’t have children and aren’t married what was the major deciding factor in choosing to stay? Were you influenced by social judgement at all?

What was the reconciliation process like for you emotionally? Can you walk me through your internal monologue?

When could you fully say you’ve committed back to your partner and you feel good about it?

Thank you in advance for your answers. WPs feel free to chime in with your experience as well.

I think my BP and I are on a good path. We’ve been texting almost every day and seeing eachother at least once a week. Having sex again. Slowly being more open about emotions with each other. They have said they want to take things day by day and haven’t necessarily defined what we are doing as “R” but that’s what it feels like. They say we are friends and I agree that we are rebuilding a friendship but we definitely aren’t just friends. Also I should add that we are still married although we currently live separately.

What are signs that a Leo is leaning toward reconciliation? I cheated on my husband 9 months ago and it was the worst choice I’ve ever made. I’ve been in therapy ever since and trying to show him with actions that I want him. I’ve also been sober since it happened because I realized I had an alcohol problem. I haven’t had contact with the person I cheated with ever again and don’t want to.

Within the last couple months my husband and I started seeing each other again. He’s come over to my new place for dinner, we’ve gone to the beach together, he spent my birthday with me. He slept over for the first time since we separated last week and then we hung out again the next night. We are having sex again and he says he has feelings but just wants to protect them. He has not committed back to me but we text almost every day. Neither of us have filed for divorce although it’s been threatened.

He keeps saying he just wants to take things day by day and that “we’re friends”. He told me he feels safer having sex with than anybody else and he said he’s not seeing anyone else.

I know I deeply hurt him so I understand if he needs to take things slowly. I was just wondering if any other male Leo’s could maybe give me their perspective and what would make them feel wanted and loved again.

Pretty much just what the title says. It’s a really big milestone for us. It’s been 8 months since we separated.

My BP came over the other night last minute. We had a bit of flirtation over text that led them to ask to come over. We had sex and maybe this is tmi but we also did anal. It’s something we had done before but it was the first time we had ever done it since I’ve gotten sober. Afterward I asked if they were gonna stay the night and they said “should I?” And I said yes. It felt so good to sleep next to them again. We cuddled to sleep and in the morning we kissed and cuddled some more. They asked me “how are you feeling?” And I said good and I asked them back and they also said good. I made us some coffee and we talked a bit and I walked them to their car and they pulled me in for a kiss goodbye. All of it felt like a dream. I couldn’t believe it was happening and I’m just so grateful.

A trigger did come up while they were over though and I can’t stop overthinking it. I had a condom and some lube in my side table and they asked if I was seeing someone else. I am not and told them that. The side table is very old. I rarely open the drawer and I didn’t know that stuff was still in there. I looked at the dates and they expired years ago. They said as long as I’m telling the truth it’s fine. I just felt horrible and I know I told the truth but I know that they probably weren’t as fine as they said they were. I threw away all the stuff today but now I fear they will open the drawer again and wonder why it’s gone.

We’re supposed to hang out again tonight. We are obviously on good terms. I know that triggers are gonna come up and that it’s how I handle them that matters most. I’m just in a very vulnerable position and really don’t want to lose them again. We haven’t even defined what we’re doing yet.

I think something I’ve been contemplating a lot is what R looks like. I feel like there could be so many different definitions and I sometimes I feel like focusing too much on the outcome is inauthentic to the actual process.

I feel like my BP and I are in R but we’re not technically in a romantic relationship right now. We’re still married but I moved out after dday2. It’s been 8 months and so much has changed. We’re rebuilding trust through friendship but it’s deeper than that because we obviously have a history. We text about what’s going on in our lives and support eachother through action. They’ve helped me with my car troubles numerous times. They called me and stayed on the phone while I was having a panic attack about having to take my cat to the vet and didn’t know where to turn. I’ve supported them emotionally through their job transition. They also texted me today and told me about how their journey with quitting tobacco is going. I’m so proud of them. We’ve been seeing eachother pretty regularly. Seems like once every week or two but staying connected in between. Things have stopped feeling so heavy between us. We’ve had sex a few times within the past couple months but I think that added an unspoken layer of pressure of what that means and how it defines things. So they seem to be keeping intimacy at a minimum now. We still hug and casually flirt but I’m not sure when they will want more than that. We still have a lot to work through but I think that will come up in time when they are ready to process it.

I still get in my head sometimes and have fears but much less than before. I trust that if I don’t text them first they will reach out to me or that if we don’t talk for a couple days it doesn’t mean they’re pulling away completely. I like that we’re both trying. The love and care is still there. I’m honestly so grateful for their forgiveness. I sometimes feel like I don’t deserve it but the truth is that I have put in the work and it’s really not up to me to decide whether I’m worthy or not.

I think I’m just venting but also looking for support at the same time. If anyone cares to share their story of R I’m here to listen.

Why would a Leo man still stick around after their trust has been betrayed? We’re not back together but we talk every day and still hang out. It’s been 8 months since we separated and they say they want to take things day by day. Does that mean I have a chance or are they letting me down easy? I am a Taurus woman btw.