BP ended things after 2 years of “trying” to reconcile
Long story short, we dated for 8 years before dday. We always struggled financially but were both back in school trying to improve our lives.
Not to blame BP but i had told them many times that i felt like we were just roommates when i was struggling with my mental health and started taking SSRIs.
I met AP in this trade school and we studied together a few times. Then AP would start to ask me questions about my family, pretty standard stuff but eventually AP would ask me much more personal things about why i am not close with my family, how family members deaths effected me etc.etc.
We started to talk a lot. AP would always partner up for school work. I started to feel a little guilty and shortly after BP went through my phone and read out texts. BP told me they were uncomfortable with the closeness we built up but was happy i was able to talk about these feelings with someone. That i “did nothing wrong” but that they were still feeling jealous.
BP would then start to ask me every single day after class if i spoke to AP that day. Over the course of the 2 years of school this went on and off but i cut off AP completely and we never spoke again. BP acted like things were completely normal for what must have been at least a year.
Fast forward to graduation, i got a good job and AP texted me congrats on getting the job. BP was understandably upset again. I offered to start couples therapy, since BP said they were still upset after all this time.
4 sessions into therapy BP tells me they dont want to try to R anymore and that they want me to move out.
This is my 7th day alone now, i feel an emptiness in me. I feel guilt, shame, embarrassment, that i was the reason for BP being so hurt, that they held onto this for years. My mind wants to race to blame BP “oh they waited till they had a better job and NOW they want to leave” things like that but they dont work and i just feel worse.
I cant believe it’s over. 10 years gone. Im not sure i can ever forgive myself. I knew it would make them jealous , i still continued, the therapist was even hesitant to call it an emotional affair. BP hid thier pain for so long, and now that i wanted to R for real and put my all into it they said it was too little too late.
Does this pit in the stomach ever pass? Am i goin to hurt the next person too? I dont want to be alone but i dont want to be the cause of pain like this ever again.