Musings a year later
Hey everyone. It's been a little over a year since I told my ex-BP of ~4 years that I was cheating on them with a mutual friend for 3 months. Lots of things have changed since, and to be honest, I don't think I'll ever fully move on.
For some context: We tried to reconcile from the months of July-September last year. During August, they were in the psych ward following a drug-induced attempt. They expressed that they wanted to get back together, but once we were back in our normal lives, they ended it. The breakup was bittersweet. We both celebrated and broke up for good on our 4 year anniversary. We knew we loved each other, but they couldn't deal with the trauma anymore. I understood that this was the result of my actions and respected their decision.
I cut myself out of ex-BP's life entirely. We had many mutual friends, and I left those friend groups for good. Spent this past year revisiting who I was as a person, surrounding myself with new friends, being a better friend to the ones who stuck beside me, and relearning years of bad behaviors. I wrote hundreds of apology letters that I never sent because I realized they would have been for me, not for them. In the immediate reconciliation, my emotions were a horrendous mess muddled with self pity. I really only achieved clarity on what support they needed from me at that time after they left for good.
I found out in November that ex-BP was officially dating someone new. Admittedly, this hurt a lot. They're together still, and I do think that this new partner is good for them. I heard that ex-BP is a lot happier and cut out bad habits as a result. It took a couple of months afterwards to fully let go of the idea that we could eventually find our way back together. "Once we recovered, maybe we could try again years down the line." This was an illusion we sold ourselves during the breakup to make the immediate pain easier to handle.
On my end, I've met someone new and started dating them recently! I was very wary at first, but they've made me feel safe, secure, and loved. I've always been transparent about my past, and they've supported me through my healing. I try to be the best partner I can be for them as well.
There are still many days and many nights where I resent myself and lament my past relationship. I wonder if ex-BP is doing well and if they're truly happy now. While I'm genuinely happy in my current relationship, I still find myself grieving what I destroyed. I sometimes worry if this grief is unfair to the person I'm with now. Has anyone else (on either end) struggled with allowing themselves to move forward? Any experiences and shared emotions are welcome.